Ki-Wheezing

| MN, USA | Working | January 15, 2015

(I often visit a local coffee shop that serves not only coffee items, but also pastries and real fruit smoothies. The menu, however, does not list the fruits included in the smoothies. I have a kiwi allergy.)

Me: “Hi, can I get a tropic blast smoothie and a scone?”

Barista: “Sure thing! That’ll be [price].”

Me: “And does the tropic blast smoothie have any kiwi or kiwi flavoring in it? I’m allergic.”

Barista: “No, none at all! It’ll be right up.”

(My friend and I pay and collect our food and go to sit down. I take a sip and immediately feel my lips tingling and itching, and my tongue feels like it’s getting pinpricks and is swelling. I realize there is kiwi, and I’m having an allergic reaction. Since my reactions aren’t life threatening, just uncomfortable for an hour or so, I bring it back up to get a replacement.)

Me: “Uh, sorry but there is kiwi in this. I’m having a reaction but it’s in control. Can I get a refund or replacement, maybe?”

Barista: “F*** off.”

Me: *shocked* “Excuse me?”

Barista: “You heard me. F*** off. That had got to be the fakest lisp I’ve ever heard, and Jesus is watching you lie to get things for free. You even drank half of it!”

(The ‘fake lisp’ is from my swollen tongue, and I had only taken a small sip so the cup is nearly filled to the brim. Another barista gets the manager/owner for me without being asked, and I tell her what happened.)

Owner: “Did you really tell this poor girl to ‘eff off’?!”

Barista: “Listen to her! She’s obviously faking. She just wants free smoothies.”

Owner: “Can you show her your tongue, please, miss?”

Me: *sticks out my red and obviously swollen tongue*

Owner: “Why did you tell her the tropic blast didn’t have any kiwi?! And why did you accuse her of lying?!”

(The barista tried to defend herself and failed. The owner fired her and told me this isn’t the first time she’d been rude to customers. The owner gave me a 15 free drinks coupon, and even though I’ve used them up, I’m still a regular! But I’ve never had another smoothie from them.)

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Giving You A (Prison) Break

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Right | January 8, 2015

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

Me: “I-I-I, um…”

Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Me: “Uh, you, um…”

Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

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Stuff Your Assumptions

| UK | Friendly | January 5, 2015

(I’m in town with my best friend and her two girls. We stop in a coffee shop and all get a drink and some cake. As I’m paying, I hear two older women comment behind us.)

Woman #1: “So many things wrong there; it’s disgusting.”

Woman #2: “I know. A kid having kids, and an immigrant only here for the cash handouts. Plus feeding those poor girls all that garbage.”

Woman #1: “I hope you enjoy having all that on us!”

Me: “Excuse me? But why should the colour of my skin determine if I’m British or not?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Second, just because we are lucky enough to look young in our late thirties, that’s not our problem. Third, I work d*** hard putting in long hours to put a roof over our heads and making sure these girls get fed, so if I want to treat them when I have some spare money, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to treat them. And if you don’t like that, then you can just—”

Girls: “—GET STUFFED!”

(The women walk out, red-faced, quite quickly.)

Barista: “Well, I know which two girls I want on my side!”

Penny For Your Lack Of Thoughts

| IA, USA | Working | December 28, 2014

(This happens between two coworkers. Coworker #1 is 29 and Coworker #2 is 23.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, look, they changed the pennies!”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, that’s from the Bahamas. We must have accepted it by accident.”

Coworker #1: “No, I took it on purpose. It’s a penny.”

Coworker #2: “Well, yeah, in the Bahamas. It’s not worth anything here. It’s not American currency. We can not accept this.”

Coworker #1: “But it’s a penny.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, from the Bahamas. It’s not legal tender in the US.”

Coworker #1: “But it’s a penny.”

(Throughout the day at various points I’d hear her say “it’s a penny.” She still doesn’t get it.)

Should Have Put Dairy In The Diary

| Canada | Right | December 23, 2014

(I work in a fast food coffee shop. Every year since it opened, our location has been the only store to remain open during the holidays. I volunteer to work Christmas Day.)

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How can we help you?”

Customer: *in drive thru* “Excuse me, are you guys open?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we are. What can we get for you?”

Customer: “Do you know if the grocery store next door is open?”

Coworker: “Unfortunately I do not know their holiday hours. You will have to go take a look.”

Customer: “You are a coffee shop, right? You must have cream, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Great. I don’t want to go the store, so can I have 16 cups of cream?”

Coworker: “I am sorry; I have no way of entering that into my till.”

Customer: “Well, just give me a carton.”

Coworker: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I will need to charge you for it, but since we don’t sell cream by the cup or carton I have no way of doing so.”

Customer: “Just give me some d*** cream. I need it for a recipe for Christmas dinner. It is an emergency!”

Coworker: “Once again, I am sorry but we cannot just give you 16 cups of cream.”

Customer: “Well, what am I going to do now for dinner?!”

Coworker: “I do not know, ma’am, but if it was as important as you said you wouldn’t have waited to get the ingredients until Christmas Day, when everything basically closes.”

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