Milking It For All It’s Worth

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

Customer: “I’d like a medium latte.”

Me: “Do you have a milk preference for that?”

Customer: “One-percent milk.”

Me: “We only have two-percent and skim.”

Customer: “Can you mix them together?”

A Three-Rubel Bill

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(My coworker and I are working a Saturday morning shift and are the only two people on duty. During a slow time, a customer we both recognize and dread walks in. He has been in here before and is known for bizarre and rude behavior. He also frequently rides the local bus system and harasses other passengers. Needless to say, we are not happy to see him. As he barks out an order for coffee, he makes small talk that gets more wild as it goes on. Note: my coworker is still in high school, and is taking AP Spanish.)

Coworker: “That’ll be two dollars for the coffee.”

Customer: “You take two-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “Yep, we do.”

Customer: *taking two one-dollar bills from his wallet* “You take three-dollar bills?”

Coworker: “I don’t think so, no.”

Me: “I don’t think there is such a thing as a three-dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, there is. I used to work for the Philadelphia Mint. I know all about all kinds of money.”

Coworker: “Really? That’s interesting.”

Customer: “Yeah. I worked for the CIA, too. And at the Hague. And in Russia. I can speak all kinds of languages.”

Coworker: “You don’t say.”

Customer: “I speak Russian.” *fires off a rapid sequence of words that sounds vaguely Slavic* “You speak Russian?”

Coworker: “I don’t, no.”

Customer: *narrows eyes and speaks fiercely* “That’s because your parents didn’t paddle you when you were a child!”

(He takes his coffee and leaves abruptly, while my coworker and I are left amazed.)

Me: “Uh. Did you get paddled as a child?”

Coworker: “Nope, not really. I got punished in other ways.”

Me: “Well, that must be why you speak Spanish.”

(We still laugh about this weird guy and his startling method of learning Russian!)

He Who Call Not Be Decaffeinated

, , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I am in a coffee shop.)

Barista: “Coffee for Lord Voldemort!”

(This guy walks up to the counter dressed in a cloak and holding a fake wand. He takes the wand and points it at the barista.)

Guy: “You dare speak my name, mudblood?! Avada Kedavra!”

(He then grabbed his coffee and ran out of the coffee shop, laughing like a maniac.)

Their Complaints Are Volumetric

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2018

(I manage a local coffee shop. Recently my boss bought a second location, and I have been managing the transition. We hired a bunch of new staff members. None of us know the regulars.)

Employee: “[My Name], can you help me with this customer? I can’t seem to get her double-cream coffee right.”

Me: “Oh, boy.” *I go up front and greet the customer* “Hey, how are you?”

Customer: *flapping her arms, fists clenched* “This is outrageous!”

Me: “What is?”

Customer: “The music! It’s too loud!”

(Here I’m thinking it’s a problem with her coffee. I turned on the music in the morning and, considering that we have 90% elderly customers in the morning hours, I left the music on a decent volume with a genre catered for their age group. I can barely hear it.)

Customer: “You are going to drive your customers away. You don’t even hire your staff properly; she can’t get my coffee straight.”

Me: “I personally put the music on the morning and did my walk around to ensure the volume was fine. As for my staff, it’s [Employee]’s second day on the job.”

Customer: “I’m going to make sure I write to the home office, and tomorrow I’ll bring my son in to talk to you.”

Me: “Sure, that’s fine; I’d love to meet him.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t say that’s fine! That’s not a manager thing to say!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m trying to help you.”

Customer: “Have you put the volume down yet?!”

Me: “No, I’m still here talking to you!”

(She left, stating she’d never be back, but she is still in, making my life Hell, every morning.)

Just Plain Crazy

, , , | Right | February 21, 2018

(My manager rings up a lady who wants just a “plain coffee,” but wants to make it flavored, which is not a plain coffee, but whatever. She wants a lot of room for cream, so I get the cream out for her. We always close the creamer container, so when she tries pouring it out three times and none comes out, I help her open the container. She then turns the creamer upside down and it comes out really fast. Funny how gravity works, right?)

Customer: “You made me pour too much creamer into my coffee. It’s your fault; you opened it too much! You need to add more coffee!”

Me: “Okay, not a problem!”

(I add more coffee to the cup.)

Customer: “Ugh, so much for plain coffee.”

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