Can’t Fight The Empire Without Coffee

| Mon Cala | April Fool's Day

(I am working at a coffee shop, serving a stream of customers. I serve a Mon Calamari, who is looking our seasonal specials.)

Customer: “What’s a Janeway special?”

Me: “It’s a special cross-promotion we’re doing with another franchise. It’s essentially just coffee, black.”

Customer: “I’ll take it then.”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I prepare his coffee, but in his eagerness the customer goes ahead and reaches for another customer’s order.)

Me: “No, sir, that’s—”

(Too late, he takes a sip. The Mon Calamari’s huge eyes go even wider than normal as he gives me a look of horror and betrayal.)

Customer: “It’s a frap!”


Her Bark Is Worse Than Her Dog’s Bite

| ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work in a coffee shop, and it is against the rules to bring pets into the store. A young woman comes inside, yelling into a phone. A two-year-old child is with her. A few minutes later she brings her dog inside, too.)

Customer: *yelling into phone* “I don’t f****** care! Get me a f****** ride!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you need to take your dog outside.”

Customer: “F*** off, I’ll take him outside soon.”

(The customer then proceeds to continue yelling into the phone.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, you need to take your dog outside right now.”

Customer: “I said f*** off; I’ll take him outside in a second!”

(The customer proceeds to scream into the phone, looking back at my coworker every couple of seconds to scream at her, too.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, if you refuse to speak to me politely and don’t take your dog outside, we will call the pol—”

Customer: “CALL THE F****** POLICE, THEN!”

(We call the police, who find her camped out in our drive-thru, still screaming into her phone. The last we see of her, she’s being taken away by the cops, with her child in a separate cruiser.)

Me: “Do you want to know the scariest part of all that?”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “During the entirety of that whole exchange, that kid didn’t bat an eye. Didn’t cry or anything.”

Coworker: “That is terrifying.”

(You can tell that child was used to her mother’s tantrums.)


Double Double Trouble

| Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I work drive-thru at a popular coffee shop, and for reference, a “double double” is two cream and two sugar. A regular customer comes through the drive-thru and orders her usual, a large double double. When she pulls up to the window the following exchange happens.)

Me: “Hello!”

Regular: “Good morning!”

(I take her money and get ready to hand her the coffee.)

Regular: “Why can’t you order a double double without sugar?”

Me: “Oh, well, double double means double cream and double sugar.”

Regular: “I know. I wish I could get it without the sugar, though. I don’t really like the sugar.”

Me: “Oh! Well, you can order a coffee without sugar in it. Did you want me to do that for you?”

Regular: “But then it wouldn’t be a double double, though.”

Me: *confused* “Err, that’s right…”

(I gave her the coffee and wished her a good day. Somehow I knew there was no winning this one.)


Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 26

| TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

(I work at a frozen custard and coffee shop. To draw in customers we also offer free wifi.)

Customer: “I’ll get a mocha custard with extra chocolate. And what is a ‘wehfeh?'”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Oh, um, a weefee?” *she points to the sign*

Me: “Oh! Wifi!”

Customer: “Oh! Oh, yes, sure. This says I can get it free?”

Me: “Yep.”

(There’s a long pause while the woman stares at me.)

Customer: *getting a little impatient* “What is it? Okay, is it a smoothie or custard or drink?”

(I’m a little at a loss for words so it takes me a minute to compose my answer.)

Me: “Oh, it’s, you know, it’s Internet. Like wireless Internet?” *the woman starts frowning at me* “For using your laptop or phone in the store.”

Customer: “I want my custard to go.”

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 25
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 24
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 23


This Job Can’t Be Blushed

| NY, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work in a popular coffee shop and am attempting to put together the pump for our mocha sauce. I am grasping the longish metal pipe and am trying to get the other piece to twist in. While struggling with this, one of our regulars comes up to the counter.)

Regular: “Don’t have much experience handling something that big, do you?”

Me: *turns away from him in embarrassment*

Regular: “Oh, gosh, look how red you are.”

Me: *mumbling* “Haha, it’s just my blush.”

(He goes to sit down at a table once I’ve given him his drink. A while later, while on my break, I’m sitting down at the bar eating. On his way out he makes this final remark.)

Regular: “Looks like your blush has worn off.”

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