Refuses To Speak Starbucksian

| FL, USA | Right | July 17, 2015

(I’ve just finished handing off a drink to a customer at our pick-up counter. There’s a pair of ladies waiting to order at my register, and as I approach them, I overhear their conversation:)

Customer #1: “…Yeah, I just refuse to learn their language.”

(Our area has a fairly high population of non-English/English-as-a-second-language speakers. I brace myself to deal with “everyone should speak English,” until…)

Customer #2: “Really?”

Customer #1: “Yep! I just point to what I want.”

(Apparently, the ‘language’ she refuses to learn is ‘medium hot coffee with cream, please.’)

This Restaurant’s Not The Cream Of The Crop, Part 2

| Thanet, England, UK | Working | July 11, 2015

(On my way out of work I decide to get an iced chocolate drink from the local coffee shop. My coworker asks me to pick one up for her too. The drinks are made from blended ice and milk, and I am lactose intolerant.)

Cashier: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Me: “Hey, can I have a small chocolate blend shake and a small soya chocolate blend shake, please?”

Cashier: “Sure! Is there cream on the normal one?”

Me: “Yes, please!”

Cashier: “Great. That will be [price].”

(I pay and go to stand by the drink station, where another woman is making the drinks. The cashier prints off the ticket for my order and attaches it to the board. Soon the server gets to the order and fills it.)

Server: “One soya.” *places down a chocolate blend with cream on* “And one normal—” *no cream* “—chocolate blend.”

Me: “Sorry, did you say this is the soya?” *holds up one with cream*

Server: “Yes. Have a nice day.”

Me: “Sorry, it was the non-soya that was supposed to have cream.”

Server: “Oh, sorry about that!” *turns and grabs the cream, and fills the cap of the other drink with whipped cream* “There you go! Have a nice day!”

Me: “…Um, I’m dairy intolerant.”

Server: *pauses, looking confused* “Yeah, the other is soya.”

Me: “…”

Server: “…”

Me: “Cream is made of dairy.”

Microbrain

| UK | Working | July 11, 2015

(I am serving several customers at once while my colleague does other chores around the store. The latest customer brings a tub of soup to the counter to be warmed up.)

Me: *to my colleague* “Can you put this on for me while I serve these customers?”

Colleague: “No.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Colleague: “No, I can’t use the microwave.”

Me: “Oh, it’s very simple. You just need to—”

Colleague: “No, I won’t use the microwave. I’ll get cancer.”

Me: “No, you won’t.”

Colleague: “Yes, I will! Trust me; I know.”

(My husband works as a radiation safety officer at the local hospital. I told him this later. He laughed.)

Will Have To Start Clover

| NY, USA | Right | July 8, 2015

(I am a customer waiting to collect my coffee at a popular coffee shop.)

Barista: *setting drink on counter* “I have a latte, for Laura!”

(I reach for my drink, but before I can get to it a man picks it up. I let him, because I’ve been yelled at in the past for taking my drink when someone with the same name and same drink is also waiting for their order. He takes a sip, and spits it out.)

Man: “This is disgusting! It tastes milky; why is this milky?”

Barista: “It’s a latte.”

Man: “No, it’s not. It’s a Clover. You said it was a Clover. I want this remade. And do it right!”

Second Barista: “I have a Clover, for Mike.”

Barista: “Is that one yours?”

Me: *chiming in* “You took my latte.” *to the barista* “I’m sorry; would it be possible for me to have another one made?”

Man: “Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me I was drinking the wrong thing?”

Barista: *drops head onto counter*

Differing Heights Of Reason

| USA | Romantic | July 7, 2015

(My girlfriend and I are waiting for our order in a coffee shop on a very busy day, so much so that there is no place to sit. She and I are standing next to each other, among other people waiting for their coffee. I am almost 6’1″ and my girlfriend is 5’5″.)

Girlfriend: *looking up at me* “You’re so tall.”

Me: *smiling* “I guess you could say that.”

(There is a moment of silence.)

Girlfriend: “I’m really short.”

Me: “Not really.”

Girlfriend: “No, no, I am. I’m short. I barely come up to your chest!”

Me: “Short girls are hot.”

Girlfriend: *after thinking that over* “You need someone taller than me.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “So my hot self and I can go get a hot guy!”

(The wedding is in six months.)

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