She Likes Her Coffee Black Belt

| UK | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

(My friend and I head to a coffee shop. When we get there, there’s a customer screaming at the barista.)

Customer: “You useless little s***! How hard is it to make a d*** drink? I’m going to ring your manager; I’m going to complain to head office…”

(He continues making threats. The poor girl behind the counter is pretty much in tears. My friend’s patience runs out.)

My Friend: “Oi, mate! I don’t know what’s going on here, but screaming isn’t helping things.”

Customer: “Mind your own business, b****!

My Friend: “What did you call me?”

(The customer turns back around to my friend. The customer is a pretty big guy, six foot, and fairly wide. My friend is five four, female, and fairly unimposing. He squares up to her.)

Customer: “I called you a b**** who should learn to mind her own business. Now p*** off!”

(The customer shoves her.)

My Friend: “Don’t touch me.”

Customer: “Or what?”

(The customer goes to shove her again. My friend grabs his arm, turning with it, and throws him to the ground hard enough to wind him. She puts her foot over his crotch.)

My Friend: “Or you learn I have a black belt in judo. Apologize to the nice lady now.”

(The customer apologizes, but the police are still called. My friend and I get a free lunch!)

Making A Spectacle Of Herself

| Middlebury, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I normally wear contacts. I am in a rush before work and just put my glasses on. A regular customer comes through later in the morning.)

Me: “Hi! Just a medium today?”

Regular: “Just the medium—hey, you’re wearing glasses! You never wore them before.”

Me: “That’s because I always wear my contacts, ma’am.”

Regular: “Don’t lie to me. You don’t need those!”

Me: “I’ve needed glasses since I was nine.”

Regular: “You know, I’m sick of you ‘hipster’ kids wearing ‘nerd’ glasses for fun! There are those of us that need them, and don’t appreciate what you’re doing!”

(I motion to my black plastic frames with their small rectangular lenses.)

Me: “I’m not hipster, and my lenses are too small to be nerdy.”

(The regular reaches across the counter, and grabs the glasses off my face.)

Regular: “You kids need to realize glasses aren’t just a fashion accessory!”

Me: “Ma’am, please give those back.”

(The regular puts them on, then flings them to the floor when she realizes exactly how strong they are. She picks them up and scratches a lens as she tries to figure out if they’re real. She throws them on the counter, breaking off one of the side arms.)

Regular: “What the h*** is wrong with those? Why are the lenses so weird?”

Me: “As I said, ma’am, I’ve needed glasses since I was nine. Actually, my vision is so bad that I legally cannot drive or even work without wearing vision correction. You just broke my only pair of glasses, which the local vision center does not carry anymore. How would you like to repay me for these?”

(The regular takes her coffee and pretty much runs. My manager sees the whole thing on camera from the office, and gets her information from the next time she comes in. Because we have proof she had destroyed my property, she didn’t fight handing me a check to cover the cost of a whole new pair of glasses.)

Snob-less Not Jobless

| Austin, TX, USA | Family & Kids, Politics, School, Top

(I’ve just taken an order from a well-dressed woman and her daughter, who is wearing a uniform from a private school. The woman is berating her daughter about her grades.)

Woman: “If your grades don’t improve, you won’t get into college. You’ll end up in some dead-end job like her.”

(The woman gestures towards me.)

Me: “Actually, I’m a college graduate.”

Woman: “Yes, well I mean a real college.”

Me: “I graduated from the University of Texas with two degrees, and my teacher’s certification.”

Woman: “You evidently didn’t do too well if you wound up here now, did you?”

Me: “I wound up here after our state legislature cut funding for public education. My husband also holds a Master’s in engineering, but has been laid off for similar reasons. We’ve taken these jobs to survive so we wouldn’t have to depend on public assistance.”

(I hand them their drinks.)

Me: “Never judge a book by its cover.”

(The woman goes over to the condiment bar without another word, but her daughter smiles and fist-bumps me.)