Me No Speak Americano, Part 5

, , , | Right | April 22, 2018

(I have just started working at this very well-known coffee shop. Because of this, I have a trainer stick pretty close to me in case I seem stuck. On my first day of register training, this old guy comes up to order.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Welcome to [Shop]. What can I get started for you?”

Old Guy: “I’ll have a medium, non-fat Americano.

(I stutter for a moment, knowing that an Americano is just espresso and hot water.)

Me: “You mean decaf?”

Old Guy: “No! Non-fat!”

(My trainer hears what’s going on and comes to my rescue.)

Trainer: *being very nice* “Sir, just so you know, an Americano is just hot water and espresso. It cannot be non-fat. The closest we can do is make it decaf.”

Old Guy: “Yes, it can! They do it for me all of the time! If you add cold water, it makes it non-fat! You guys clearly don’t know your own menu!”

Me: “…”

Trainer: “Uh… Okay, sir. We’ll have it ready in a minute.”

Me No Speak Americano, Part 4
Me No Speak Americano, Part 3
Me No Speak Americano, Part 2

No Trend Towards Blend

, , , , , | Working | April 20, 2018

(My husband and I decide to try a new independent coffee shop that everyone keeps talking about. It is a hot summer day, and I usually don’t order blended coffee drinks, but the shop has a large selection that sound good and a sign advertising them as a great way to cool down in the heat and humidity. It is around one in the afternoon, so it’s not right after opening and not anywhere near closing, and the shop isn’t busy.)

Barista: “Hi, welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you? Our blended drinks are great for this weather.”

Me: “Yes, they sound perfect. I’ll try the [Blended Drink].”

Barista: “Oh, well, I’ll have to get the blender out.”

(The barista stares at me. I stare at her. After several more seconds of uncomfortable staring…)

Me: “Well, I guess I’ll just have an iced latte.”

Barista: “Great! I’ll get that started. Next time, you really should try one of our blended drinks!”

Me: “…”

Caught You Short

, , , , | Right | April 14, 2018

(I am at a coffee shop. I have quite an unusual name, which is always spelt wrong by strangers. Because of this, I decide to shorten my name to what only members of my family call me, because I don’t want to waste time spelling it to the barista. However, the shortened version of my name is quite common.)

Barista: “What’s your name?”

Me: *gives shortened version of my name*

Barista: *writes the name on the cup for my drink*

(A short while later, after I’ve been waiting for the drink…)

Barista: “[Drink] for [Shortened version of My Name]!”

Me: *stands there for a couple of seconds, then looks around* “Oh, s***! That’s me!”

The Eternal Battle Between Light And Dark

, , , , | Right | April 13, 2018

(I have been working at a local coffee shop for about three months. We offer three different daily coffees: A light roast, a dark roast, and a decaf. This happens almost every day.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Coffee Shop]! What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “I want a large, dark, light roast, please.”

Me: *slams head against wall*

Won’t Be Sold Short(bread)

, , , , | Right | April 12, 2018

(I  work as a barista for a popular coffee shop chain. It’s coming up to closing time, and my coworker and I are the last two left on shift. My coworker is on drinks and I’m on till. We have a customer come up to the counter and place an order:)

Customer: “I’d like a mocha and one of those caramel shortcakes.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Just give us a moment to get that ready for you!”

(Our cakes come pre-sliced, so they are virtually all the same; regardless, I try to sell it like the best one there, to make them feel special.)

Me: “Here we go! Picked you out the best slice I could see!”

Customer: “Um… No.”

Me: “Is there a problem with this one?”

Customer: “Well… It’s not got a lot of chocolate on it?”

Me: *looking between the slice and the identical 20+ slices left in the chiller* “I think you’ll find that each slice is exactly the sam—”

Customer: “NOW, SEE HERE! I’ve been eating caramel shortbreads since before you were born! And I’ve had them from your shop many times before! Give me another one!”

Me: “Right away.”

(I take the plate and I pick up the slice with tongs, put the slice back, pick up the same one again, put it on a new plate, and hand it back over.)

Customer: “See?! Was that so hard!? I won’t be sold short; I know what my caramel shortbreads look like!”

(She paid with a huff and stormed off with her coffee and cake. I should add that all our cakes are behind glass, so she could see the whole thing. My coworker was desperately trying not to laugh out loud as the customer walked away.)

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