Customer: “Hello, I’d like a hot blended mocha, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t make you a hot blended mocha, I’d be happy to make you an ice-blended mocha, or a hot or iced mocha, but I can’t make a hot blended mocha.”

Customer: “What? Why can’t I get a hot blended mocha? It’s what I want!”

Me: “Well, a blended drink is blended with ice, so I can’t really make it hot once it’s blended with ice.”

Customer: “Well why not? Why can’t you just blend the drink and then heat it up for me?”

Me: “I guess I could do that ma’am, but then it wouldn’t really be a blended drink anymore. And it probably wouldn’t taste very good, to be perfectly honest.”

Customer: “I just want a hot blended mocha. I don’t understand why this is so difficult!”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, ma’am, you got it.”

Customer: “Finally! Thank you!”

(I proceed to make her a regular mocha.)

Me: “Here’s your hot blended mocha ma’am.”

Customer: “Mmm! Perfect! Now just remember this for next time!”

Customer: “Can I have a ham and cheese sandwich, please?”

Me: “Would you like that on white or brown bread?”

Customer: “I don’t mind. I’m not prejudiced.”

Me: “You’re not… prejudiced?”

Customer: “Not at all, sure the other day I ate some ‘properdoms’!” (That’s how she pronounced papadums – the flat crunchy bread you get in Indian restaurants.) “They were lovely.”

Me: “Oh, good. Now what type of bread would you like?”

(At this point a woman of another ethnicity that had been served by my coworker leaves. Suddenly, this customer becomes visibly relieved.)

Customer: “Give me some good, God-fearing white bread!”

This story is part of our India roundup!

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Customer: “I’d like one cappuccino.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, we’re out of coffee today.”

Customer: “That’s okay, I’d only like a cappuccino.”

Me: “The cappuccino has coffee in it.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it without it?”

This story is part of the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

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(A couple in a car comes through the drive-through.)

Me: “Hello, [Store]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “Do you know of anywhere around here that is open at this time of night and sells condoms?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. Everything is closed.”

Customer: “All right, thanks.”

(The customer drives away, and comes back fifteen minutes later.)

Me: “Hello, [Store].  May I take your order?”

Customer: “Hi, could I have a blueberry muffin wrapped in lots and lots of plastic wrap?”

This story is part of our Customer Situations That Will NOT End Well roundup!

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Customer: “What is the difference between chai tea and Tai Chi?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, one is a spiced black tea, and the other is a can of whoop-a**.”

Customer: “I think I’ll have the black tea.”