Requires A Fresh Understanding Of Pantries

| ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(We’re a competitor to a very popular coffee and donut shop, but we also serve bagels. Our popular competitor places their bagels and donuts side by side. We just have a sign listing our bagels, but keep them behind the counter. This was an everyday occurrence.)

Customer: *looks at donut rack* “Oh, it looks like you don’t have any bagels. Oh, well!”

Me: “Actually, we do have bagels. Everything that’s on that list.”

Customer: “Oh… where do you keep them?”

Me: “In the deli, stored in a pantry.”

Customer: “But… how do they stay fresh when they’re not on the shelf, in the open?”

Me: “…”

(Everyday occurrence…)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 23

| OH, USA | Crazy Requests

(I’ve just gotten off work. I head over to the mall to shop a bit before going home. I go to a national coffee chain and order a drink. While waiting for it, someone walks up to me. Note: I’m still in my uniform, which is red, and my name tag, with the logo of the company I work for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, shouldn’t you be making drinks?! It’s busy!”

Me: “Uhm… excuse me?”

Customer: “You heard me! Get off your lazy a** and go back behind the counter!”

Me: “I… ma’am, I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, now you’re making s*** up! Get your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work at [Store].”

Customer: “No, you work here!”

(One of the actual employees hears her yelling and comes over.)

Employee: “Ma’am, she doesn’t work here. If she did, she’d be wearing a shirt like mine. And her name tag would say [Store], not [Name].”

Customer: “Well!” *takes her drink and storms off*

(The employee and I look at each other.)

Employee: “So… extra shot of espresso?”

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 22
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 21
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 20

Espresso: Katy Perry Edition

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(The beverage menu for the coffeehouse is extensive, about 75 pages. I’m taking an order from a trio of young looking kids.)

Me: “And for you, sir?”

Customer #1: “I’d like an iced espresso.”

Me: “Well, that’s not really an item. Is there anything else I could get you?”

Customer #1: “No, I want an iced espresso.”

Me: “We have lots of iced drinks and hot drinks, or if there was a specific way you wanted it prepared maybe that would help me serve you?”

Customer #1: “I don’t see why I can’t get an iced espresso.”

Me: *starting to lose my cool* “Well, I can bring you espresso and ice, but what you’re asking me to do is impossible.”

Customer #1: “What? How do you mean?”

Me: “You’re asking for both the hottest and coldest items on the menu. If I put ice in espresso, it’s going to melt and make you an Americano, which you said you don’t want. So because I cannot bend the laws of physics, I’m not going to bring you something you don’t want and set myself up for failure.”

Customer #1: *to [Customer #2]* “This is ridiculous.”

Customer #2: *gives me a sympathetic look, then urges [Customer #1] to order something else*

Me: *totally done with this as everyone else ordered and have told Customer #1 to stop being difficult* “I can bring you an actual Americano, or I could try bringing you ice and espresso so you can see for yourself, but I’m not bringing you an espresso with melting ice in it so you can tell me I’m wrong.”

(The customer ended up getting something COMPLETELY different, which made me wonder if he was “testing” me.)

Making A Mocha-ry Of Yourself

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Food & Drink

(I have just gotten off my shift and order a drink to take with me. After marking it out, I decide to get back in line to grab a pound of coffee. When I get to the handoff plane…)

Me: *to Coworker, jokingly* “Where’s my drink? I’ve been waiting for hours! You’re so slow!”

Coworker: “No worries, ma’am, your mocha will be ready shortly!”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “I didn’t order a mocha! You fool! I want what I ordered!”

Coworker: *completely serious* “Wait, seriously? I don’t have anything else with your name on it here… Did you put a weird name on it?”

Me: “No…”

Coworker: “Did [Other Coworker] write it wrong or something? What did you actually want?”

Me: “No, I wrote it myself since there wasn’t anyone else in line at the time… It was a tall kid’s temp flat white with pumpkin spice and a pump of vanilla. Did the cup fall to the floor or something?”

Coworker: *gasps* “I totally made that and someone grabbed it! Did they really hear all that and still think it was their mocha?”

(I look around, and sure enough, there’s an angry-looking woman peering into her cup a few feet away. She approaches the counter, looking like she is about to go off on my coworker, but I interrupt.)

Me: “Yeah, that was mine.”

Customer: “But it has my name on it!”

Me: “It’s a pumpkin spice flat white… You ordered a mocha, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but this one has my name on it!”

(By this point, I’m already irritable from being up before the sun and having to stay late on an already-long shift and all I want is to chug my sugary, fattening caffeinated beverage and go home. I’m so tempted to chew this woman out, but I’m still holding my green apron and don’t want to get in trouble or cause problems for the manager, so I have to hold back.)

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know what else to tell you. He’s working on the drink you ordered now. What you have is a totally different drink, which is the drink that I ordered.”

Customer: “With MY name on it?! If it’s not supposed to be mine then why does it say [Name] on it?”

Me: “…because that’s also my name?”

(My coworker finishes the mocha and calls out both the drink and the name.)

Customer: “Well, whose is that since APPARENTLY there’s more than one [Name] around here?!”

Coworker: “Your name is [Name] and you ordered a mocha, correct?”

Customer: “YES!”

Coworker: “Then that one is yours. Have a nice day!”

Customer: *slams other drink on counter* “Well, I already drank out of this! I don’t know what you want me to do about it!” *storms off*

Coworker: *hands my remade drink directly to me* “PLEASE don’t let this out of your grasp because I do NOT want to go through all that again. I’m sure you need it more than anyone else here. Oh, s***, I forgot to make it kid’s temp!”

Me: “It’s fine… I’m already dead inside… Doesn’t matter if I burn the crap out of my tongue…”

I’ll Take It Black Death

| Columbus, OH, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Food & Drink, Funny Names, Puns

(I am the customer in this story. I walk into my local coffee shop this morning and notice that one of the menu TVs is showing a Blue Screen of Death.)

Me: “I wasn’t expecting to see that on your menu.”

Barista: “Yeah, we have a new Blue Screen of Death Latte. It tastes like a burnt out computer.”

Me: “Mmm… Silicon Dioxide.”

Barista: “Yummy.”

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