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An A-moo-sing Joke

| Richmond, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Popular

Customer: “You have nut milk!”

Me: “Yes. Three kinds, actually: almond, pecan, and walnut.”

Customer: “And you make them here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But… how do you make them?”

Me: “Well, if you look out that window behind you, you can see our free-range nuts grazing.”

(I have done this multiple times and at least 50% of our customers will turn around to look out the window.)

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Unable To Tap And Go With The Flow

| ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

(Tap-and-go debit/credit cards are just being introduced. We have just got our new credit card reader with the tap feature a few days beforehand. My boss instructs me that if a customer hands us their card and it has the tap-and-go logo, I should tap it myself. I don’t necessarily think this is a good idea, but I do as I’m told. A customer has just ordered their coffee when this happens.)

Me: “That will be $1.70.”

Customer: “On debit.” *hands me his card*

(I see the the tap-and-go logo on his card and press the card to the machine for a few seconds. It pays and I hand the card back to the customer.)

Customer: “Wait, don’t I need to pay?”

Me: “Nope, you just did. I just tapped your card.”

Customer: “Why did you do that?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Why did you tap my card for me?”

Me: “Because that’s what my boss told me to do when customers hand their cards to me.”

Customer: “But why did you tap my card for me!?”

Me: “Because my boss said to.”

Customer: “Do you know how RUDE that is to just take someone else’s card and pay!?”

Me: *seeing this is going to be difficult* “Sir, if you have a problem with the lack of security with the tap cards, I suggest you go to your bank and ask them to remove that feature from your card. I’ve already done that myself.”

Customer: “But do you know how RUDE that is?!”

Me: *sighs* “I don’t know what to tell you, sir; I’m just doing what I was told. Would you like to talk to my boss about it?”

Customer: “Yes, I would!”

Me: “Here’s the store number and the hours he’s usually here at.”

Customer: *just as he’s about to leave* “Seriously, you shouldn’t just tap someone else’s card. It’s so RUDE!”

(He did call my boss and complain about how “RUDE” I was, but my boss didn’t budge. My boss told me to just keep tapping people’s cards, but I just let customers tap their cards themselves just to try and avoid that guy again.)

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Made A Rocky Start

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

Customer: “I’d like to order a caramel frappuccino, on the rocks.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “A frappuccino, on the rocks. Unblended. You have that, right?”

Me: “I think the closest equivalent would probably be a caramel-flavored iced latte.”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ll take one of those, then! I didn’t realize they had a different name.”

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Pulling Off A Heist With Very Little Brain

| Matthews, NC, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Popular

(We have a customer who comes in almost every day and steals our bottles of honey. He will order a hot tea from our kiosks and use a whole bottle of honey. He will then ask an associate to get a new bottle. After we get the bottle for him, as he leaves later on, he will stick the honey in his newspaper to hide it and walk out. My nickname for him is Pooh Bear.)

Me: “[General Manager], Pooh Bear is back. Can I please say something?!”

General Manager: “No, I’ll handle this. I’ve had enough.”

(Our GM walks over to him as he’s leaving and gets his attention.)

General Manager: “Hey, man, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to check out the sports highlights from last night!” *opens newspaper* “Hey, man, isn’t that our bottle of honey?”

Pooh Bear: “Oh… uh… Yeah, is that okay?”

General Manager: “No, it’s not okay, dude! Stop stealing our honey. That’s theft. We could call the cops and have you arrested. We have cameras constantly monitoring our store and we have you on numerous occasions stealing from us.”

(He hasn’t been back in almost two weeks now. And that’s how we pulled off “Operation Pooh Bear!”)

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Wish You Could ‘Ice’ Some Customers

| MN, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I work at an extremely busy coffee shop. I am working on bar, making and calling out the drinks. We are constantly busy and simultaneously have multiple orders to accommodate. I finish making a mocha for ‘Sara.’)

Me: “Sara, your drink is ready!”

(Two minutes later.)

Me: “Sara! I have your white mocha.”

(Five minutes later.)

Me: “SARA, I HAVE YOUR DRINK READY.”

(Two more minutes later, Sara comes and leans over the register.)

Sara: “Um, excuse me? I have a question. When is my drink going to be ready? I’ve been waiting a long time.”

Me: “Are you Sara?”

Sara: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, your drink is waiting at the end of the bar.”

(Sara grabs her drink, and immediately gets disgusted look on her face.)

Sara: “Um, I wanted this drink iced.”

(I remake her mocha, iced. Five minutes later, Sara returns.)

Sara: “This is, like, the worst drink ever made. I want it blended.”

(I remade her drink and used all self-control left in my being to prevent myself from throwing it at her.)

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