(At the coffee shop where I work, my coworker, Coworker #1, is from South America. He has a very thick accent, but his English comprehension and speech is otherwise perfect. A customer comes through drive-thru and orders two extra large coffees with a whopping eight servings of cold cream. A few moments later, he comes back to complain.)

Customer: “I have a problem!”

Coworker #1: “What’s the issue, sir?”

Customer: “My coffee is stone cold!”

Coworker #1: “Okay, I’ll remake that for you. It was eight creams, right?”

Customer: “Yes, and I’d like them to be actually warm this time.”

Coworker #1: *remakes both coffees* “Here you are. Have a good day!”

(The man leaves but comes back a few minutes later. He’s still fuming. Another coworker of mine helps him.)

Customer: “This is unacceptable!”

Coworker #2: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You can remake my coffee again, and this time I’d like it to not be so godd*** cold!”

Coworker #2: “Okay…” *turns to my South American coworker* “Could you remake this again? I need to finish cleaning the flavor shot station.”

Coworker #1: “Of course!”

Customer: “NO! No, he’s not touching them!”

(At this point, the manager hears the noise and comes out.)

Manager: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m so sick of your employees!”

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “That f***ing foreigner of yours keeps f***ing up my coffees! You either need to make him learn f***ing English or send him back to wherever the f*** he came from! I want hot coffee, NOT hot coffee that’s STONE COLD!”

Manager: “Okay, firstly don’t swear at me. Secondly, he speaks and understands English perfectly so don’t say he can’t understand you. I will remake your coffees this time if it humors you. What was in them?”

Customer: “Eight creams!”

Manager: *pauses for a moment* “Seriously?”

Customer: “YES!”

Manager: “You do realize that adding EIGHT cold creams to a coffee will cool them off, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Manager: “If you add that much cream—which is chilled—to a coffee, it will cool it off. It’s not my employees’ fault. Now, have a nice day and please leave my store!”

(Employee #1 has just returned from the bathroom.)

Employee #1: “I swear to God, my bladder is the size of a chicken.”

Employee #2: “…A chicken?”

Employee #1: “I couldn’t think of anything else small!”

(I’ve just slipped on water and hit my shoulder so hard it has fractured. I’m on the ground in intense pain with my coworkers surrounding me to ensure I am okay. A nearby customer is obviously not impressed.)

Customer: “Why are you all being lazy lying about? I just want some d*** coffee.”

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, sir. It will be just a moment. Our coworker has fallen and we think she broke her shoulder.”

Customer: “God-d*** lazy kids these days, lying on the disgusting floor having a good time at work!”

Coworker #2: “I’m sorry, sir. It will be just a second. I’ll be there as soon as I am sure that we have an ambulance coming.”

Customer: “I should report your lazy a**es to your manager. You have horrible customer service and that one…” *points at me* “…is just sleeping on the floor!”

(My manager, who was dialing the ambulance, speaks up.)

Manager: “I don’t know what your problem is right now, but I just had this young lady fall, hit her head, and crack her shoulder. I am concerned she broke her shoulder, so right now all I care about is calling her an ambulance. If you are so concerned about your coffee, there is another shop a tenth of a mile away, a fast food place next door, and the gas station on the corner has coffee as well.”

(By now I’m standing, and am holding my arm to my body using my other arm so as not to hurt myself worse.)

Customer: “She’s fine! She’s standing up and playing with her arm!”

(At this point, I’ve decided I’ve had enough of the customer’s verbal abuse.)

Me: “I’m really sorry for the inconvenience, sir. I should have known that there would be a puddle of water on the ground right there that I slipped in. I can honestly tell you I’m not ‘playing’ with my arm. I’m currently trying to prevent further injury to myself. What is so d*** important that you couldn’t wait ’til they made sure I had an ambulance coming?”

Customer: “D*** b****!”

(The customer storms out, slamming our door. Three days later, he comes back and sees me in a sling.)

Customer: “What happened to you?”

Me: “You remember the other day when you complained that I was just lying on the floor? I fractured my shoulder!”

Customer: *turns red, orders, and leaves quickly*

(I work as a barista. I happen to be in a very bad mood. I’ve just spilled some milk on the counter when a boy walks up.)

Boy: “Here.” *hands me a cup*

Me: “Trash can’s over there, sir.”

(I point in a direction away from me and continue to wipe up my mess.)

Boy: “Aren’t you going to take my cup?”

Me: *annoyed* “No. That’s not my job. There’s a trash can over there, sir.”

Boy: “But I—”

Me: “Listen to me, I am not your maid or your butler. I made your drink, you drank it, and that’s the end of what I do for you.”

Boy: *shocked* “I actually just wanted to be cute. I’m really sorry.”

(I am silenced.)

Boy: *flustered* “But um, here’s my number. I think you’re really pretty and I promise I won’t be an a** next time.”

(After he sprinted out, I called him on my next break. We’re getting married next month.)

Customer: “What comes in a Caramel Macchiato? Do you guys make a better one than [Competitor #1]?”

Me: “Well, sir, we make it with [ingredients], while [Competitor #1] makes it with [Competitor #1’s ingredients], and [Competitor #2] makes it with [Competitor #2’s ingredients].”

Customer: *stunned* “Wow! How do you guys know that?!”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked at all of those other places before I got here, so I know a few of their tricks.”

Customer: “Man, you’re, like… Super Barista!”

(The man orders a caramel macchiato and pays happily. The next day, he catches me in the middle of taking out trash. Rather than removing my apron, I simply turn it backward to avoid getting it dirty, inadvertently making it appear as if I’m wearing a cape. Suddenly, the customer from the day before comes driving by.)

Customer: “SUPER BARISTA!”