Time To Show Them The Door

| VA, USA | Related | May 9, 2016

(My brother, my dad, and I are leaving a coffee shop and I get to the door first. I hold it open for my dad who is holding his coffee when I see my brother’s arm dart out towards the door. The next thing I know my dad’s coffee is all over the ground.)

Dad: “Why did you do that?”

Brother: “I thought [My Name] was going to let the door close on you and spill your coffee!”

Dad: “So did I. That’s why I was reaching out to open it!”

Me: “I actually was holding the door for you guys.”

Brother & Dad: *death glare*

(The cashier was nice enough to give my dad a new coffee for free, but he insisted on opening the door for himself.)

Leaving No Room(mate) For Interpretation

| WA, Australia | Working | May 4, 2016

(Coworker #1 is roommates with Coworker #2, who always works on a different shift at the coffee shop. This particular day, the Coworker #2 is running late.)

Coworker #3: “Isn’t [Coworker #2] meant to be in at six am? We shouldn’t have just two of us here when you go, [Coworker #1].”

Coworker #1: “Oh, my freaking god. I have no idea where [Coworker #2] is. I do not keep track of her. I do not know where she is. I am her roommate; I am not her mum; I am not her wife. If she could learn to turn the damn lights off when she leaves the house, I probably wouldn’t even know if she ever comes home.”

(A customer who is nearby grabbing sugar packets for her coffee starts laughing.)

Customer: “I’m really sorry, but that is the most teenager thing I’ve ever heard. Good luck with your roommate.”

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 4

| MT, USA | Working | April 28, 2016

(I live in an area where tiny, locally owned coffee shacks are incredibly common. Darn near every establishment has one in their parking lot or built into their business one way or another. Unfortunately, this does not guarantee that whatever barista you’re ordering from knows what they are doing, so I’ve learned to ask what more experienced coffee buyers would consider no-brainer questions. Sometimes I’m still painfully disappointed. This particular shop is part of a flower shop that also hosts the weekly farmer’s market, and I stop in to get drinks while at the market to reduce my number of stops that afternoon.)

Me: “Okay, we’ll do a small hot chocolate, but for a kid so not so hot. A large quad mocha. And I see you have chai, is that in a latte or black?”

Barista: “Oh, no, sweetie. Chai is actually a kind of tea and doesn’t have coffee in it!”

Me: *taken aback slightly because while I’m not old, I’m definitely not young enough to be called “sweetie” by the early 20s barista* “I know it’s tea. I just want to know if you serve it in a latte or black?”

Barista: “I don’t get it. Are you wanting me to add a shot of coffee and make it a latte?”

Me: *confused, starting to catch on to where this is going* “Latte means it has milk in it…”

Barista: *suddenly extremely condescending* “No, it means COFFEE. Like a mocha latte is a coffee drink.”

Me: “Actually latte comes from same root word as lactose. It means it’s a drink with milk in it.”

Barista: “Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but latte means it’s a coffee drink. But, yes, our chai comes with milk in it, and I can add coffee if that’s what you want, but it’s 70 cents per shot…”

Me: *finally snapping after having a bad day, I turn and start toward the door while trying to remain as cold as possible* “You know what? I changed my mind about getting my coffee here. I’ll just go now.”

Barista: *sarcastically* “Wait! Don’t go! I was learning SO much from you!”

(While I heard she didn’t last long, I haven’t had the heart to go back there even for flowers after that exchange.)


The Machines Have Already Started Thinking For Us

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Working | April 21, 2016

(I’m on a three week internship in Toronto and decide one morning to try a popular coffee store again. I’ve tried it before, but me being from the Netherlands, their coffee was tasteless to me. Luckily, they have a new brand of coffee called ‘dark roast’, which is supposed to be more flavourful.)

Employee #1: “How can I help you?”

Me: “Good morning. I would like a latte, please, but with dark roast coffee instead of the regular coffee.”

Employee #1: *stares at me as if I’m crazy* “What?”

Me: “A latte, but change the regular coffee with dark roast coffee. The regular is too mild for me.”

Employee #1: “But the latte is machine-made. It is always the same settings.”

(Employee #2 happens to overhear our conversation.)

Employee #2: “No problem, [Employee #1]! Just make the latte, pour some out and put dark roast coffee in it.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable!”

Employee #1: “I’m not sure… It is machine-made! I can’t change the settings!”

Employee #2: “That’s why I said, make the latte with the machine, then afterwards pour some out and put dark roast coffee to fill the cup again.”

Employee #1: *stares at [Employee #2] as if he suddenly sprouted wings or something*

Employee #2: *sighs* “Never mind. I will make the latte myself.”

(He proceeded to make my latte with dark roast coffee. I thanked him, and Employee #1 handled the receipt with an amazed expression still on her face. I guess that when machines come into play, you don’t have to use your brain anymore. The dark roast latte was perfect, by the way, exactly how I wanted it.)

Venting Tall

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Right | April 20, 2016

(I’ve gotten up early to get my mom and me coffee one morning. I’m not a morning person by any means.)

Me: “Can I get a tall white mocha?”

Barista: “Sure, anything else?”

Me: “A tall, venti nonfat cappuccino please.”

Barista: “A what?”

Me: “A tall, venti nonfat cappuccino, please.”

Barista: “Honey, you’re making up drinks now. Would you like a tall or venti?”

Me: *suddenly hitting me what I’ve been saying* “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry. I meant venti.”

Barista: “I give everyone a break this early.”

(Luckily she had been our barista for about six years and knew I was actually smart.)

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