I’ll Take A Groot Beer

| Cambridge, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

(Sometimes we get customers in costumes who are in good humour if we name them instead of asking their name. We have a group come in who give themselves some DC-ent and MARVEL-ous names. I’m on the bar, making the drinks.)

Me: *with the Batman cup* “Good luck with the night shifts, Dark Knight.”

Batman: “Cheers!”

Me: *Superman* “Who’s the Man of Steel?”

Superman: “That would be me!”

Me: “Sorry, dude. I don’t have chocolate; is Kryptonite okay?”

Superman: “Go for it. It’s my day off.”

Me: *Rocket cup, looking at the last in the group* “Are you Rocket?”

Rocket: “I am Groot.”

Lacks The Power To Comprehend

| London, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

(One morning there is an electrical fire under the city streets that blows out power to the entire downtown core. Our store is completely closed, dark, and the roads are blocked off by the hydro company and firefighters who are tackling manhole fires. People still managed to get to our doors nonetheless. One tries to come in behind our manager as she is returning and locking the door.)

Customer: “I just need my coffee. Two milk, two sugar, please.”

Manager: “Sorry, sir, we’re closed. We have no power.”

Customer: “That’s fine. Just pour the coffee and give me the rest on the side.”

Manager: “Sorry, but we have no coffee right now and we won’t be open until at least noon.”

Customer: “How do you not have coffee?”

Manager:“Because we’re closed. We haven’t had power for three hours.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just ask them to turn it on quick?” *points to the city hydro truck and workers on the street*

Manager: “They said it won’t be back until at least noon.”

Customer: “Can I just come in and see what you have?”

Manager: “We have no power, so we can’t use our tills, or sell you anything here.”

Customer: “I’ll just start going to the other store, then!” *the other store is two blocks down, also without power*

Manager: “Sure. Have a good day.”

(The outage lasted about nine hours and knocked out every utility in radius of about 10-15 blocks in the core of downtown, including stores, traffic lights, and even complete road closures due to fires. People still couldn’t comprehend that we couldn’t sell them coffee all day.)

Casting The First Stone Cold Glare

| Anaheim, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Religion, Top

(I am visiting two good Jewish friends. They are gay men and engaged. We’re at a coffee shop for breakfast.)

Friend #1: *holding Friend #2’s hand* “Hey [Friend #2], what do you want?”

Friend #2: “[Store Brand Drink], babe.”

Customer #1: *spies them holding hands* “You should be ashamed of acting like that in public! There are children and God-fearing people in here! Couple of sick f**s…”

Friend #1: “We’re not f**s. We’re gay. Last time I checked, we’re not cigarettes or bundles of twigs.”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for being a couple of sinners! You’re going to burn!”

Friend #2: “So what are you drinking, [My Name]?”

Me: “[Store Brand Drink], please!”

Friend #2: *to Customer #1* “What about you, mister? What are you drinking?”

Customer #1: *splutters* “I am not accepting charity from some dirty, sick homosexual!”

Friend #1: “If your Jesus was brave enough to dine with prostitutes, the least you could do is accept our ‘charity.'”

Customer #1: “F*** you!”

Friend #1 & #2: *deadpan* “No, thanks. You’re not my type.”

Customer #1: *screams* “This whole place is going to Hell!” *storms out*

Customer #2: *starts clapping* “That… was… AWESOME! Please, let me pay for your order!”

Me: “Nah, thanks. I’ll get it for them.”

Manager: “No, you won’t. This order is on the house!”