My friend works for a mom-and-pop coffee shop. The owners don’t have a set policy for how to greet customers during the holidays like a lot of big corporate places do; they don’t really care as long as you’re polite. My friend takes the approach of responding with whatever the customer might say to her. She recounted this incident from the past holiday season.

Customer #1: “Thanks a bunch. And hey, Merry Christmas!”

Friend: “Merry Christmas. Next!”

Customer #2: *Comes in glaring at my friend* “Manager. Now!”

One of the owners was refilling the pastries next to the register and stands up right away.

Owner: “Yes?”

Customer #2: “You need to take disciplinary action against this employee. That may even be a fireable offense!”

Owner: “Uh, what was?”

Customer #2: “She told the other customer…” *drops his voice* “…’Merry Christmas.'” *Regular volume* “Now, mind you, I wasn’t offended, but it might offend someone, so you need to make an example here!”

Owner: “You’re kidding me, right? You just said you weren’t offended, and the customer who said the same thing to her wasn’t offended.”

The owner calls to the other few people in line.

Owner: “Anyone offended?”

They all shake their heads and roll their eyes.

Owner: “Last I checked, ‘Merry Christmas’ isn’t a swear word or anything like that. Why should I discipline one of my best employees over it?”

[Customer #2] starts ranting about civil liberties that might be infringed upon, and my friend is close to tears, when the next customer in line pipes up.

Customer #3: “Dude, no one here is offended but you, so can you either get a coffee or get a life so I can get my d*** drink?”

[Customer #2] stormed out shouting something about calling the ACLU.

Related:
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 8
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 7
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 6
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 5
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 4

A group of riders strolls into our establishment carrying helmets, and they seem to be all about themselves. They are loud and obnoxious but overall friendly, and they immediately start with a round of coffee. This Axl Rose-looking bandana dude looks at the half-and-half on the table.

Dude: “Do you guys have any hazelnut or caramel-flavored creamer?”

Me: “No, just plain half-and-half, but we do have almond milk or soy milk.”

His face scrunches up and he gives his friends a sarcastic look.

Dude: “Do I look like someone who drinks soy?”

Without missing a beat, I say:

Me: “Dude, you literally just asked me if we have frou-frou creamer.”

The table absolutely loses it and keels over in laughter. Axl Rose just smiles big.

Dude: “…you got me.”

They ended up being really fun and tipped fat.

I know everyone prefers trainwreck stories, but sometimes the good moments are just as entertaining.

I am working the counter at a coffee shop. A customer comes up.

Customer: “Are you human?”

Me: *Thinking he’s joking* “I hope so.”

Customer: “Hmm…”

He leans over and takes a long uncomfortable sniff.

Customer: “You know when you stretch piercings?”

Me: “I think so.”

Customer: “And they start smelling.”

Me: “No? I don’t actually have piercings, sorry.”

Customer: “Like smelly stretched piercings. That’s you.”

He turns around and leaves.

I’m a bit confused and sniff under my arm. I can’t smell anything, so I ask a colleague who’s just come out from the kitchen.

Me: “Do I smell?”

Colleague: *Sniffs me* “Yeah, like grapefruit. Why?”

After telling her about the customer, she just shrugged.

Definitely the weirdest conversation I’ve had here.

I used to work in a [Coffee Chain] kiosk before moving to a better coffee shop with tips, privileges, and benefits. I haven’t had one difficult customer since starting there, but today I go to [Coffee Chain] to get my mom and my sister their daily fix, and the line is MASSIVE.

When I quit, I caused a mass quitting, and now there are only three fully-trained baristas there and everyone else is in training. Two trainees are in the kiosk.

Now, I can judge how they’re performing silently all I want, but they’re new, and of course, it’s going to take them more time to get through customers and drink orders, so people should be prepared for a wait when getting in an already massive line.

An older lady gets in line a few people behind me, and I immediately feel bad for the two East-Indian baristas in the kiosk, since this lovely lady is very volatile with POC; it was always my job to handle every part of her order when she came in because I was the only one she wouldn’t yell slurs at. (The store managers wouldn’t allow us to refuse service to her despite how hard I fought for it.)

Eventually, I hear her witch-like, raspy squeal:

Lady: “Why don’t you get in there and help them?”

She isn’t a daily customer, but she comes in at least once or twice a week, and I haven’t worked in the kiosk for six months at this point, so I’m looking around trying to figure out who she’s talking to. She points her cane at me as she speaks again:

Lady: “Get in there and help them! At least you can understand the customers.”

I groan and decide to interact.

Me: “They’re doing just fine. They’re new, so we all have to be patient. And I don’t work here anymore.”

This does not satisfy her.

Lady: “No, you work here! And even if you don’t, you used to, so you can go fix their mistakes!”

Constantly fixing the kiosk’s problems is why I left in the first place.

Me: “Ma’am, even employees can’t go in to help without clocking in or writing it down due to the union and work safety laws. This is especially true for me because I’m a customer just like you are; I don’t work in this establishment anymore!”

Lady: “You know how to use the PA; go call backup for them!”

Me: “I can’t use the PA because I’m not a store employee.”

Lady: “You should at least try, or you could tell the baristas to work faster or something!”

Me: *Less than kindly* “If you don’t want to wait, you don’t have to. Not serving someone as ungrateful as you wouldn’t be heartbreaking for those baristas.”

Thankfully, she shut up after that, instead of her usual tirades. But after she gave up in the line, I saw her talking to one of the supervisors at the customer service desk while I was heading to my car.

I didn’t handle it the best, but years of her being a monster and having to pretend to be nice to her really ate away at me, so I definitely needed the release. Hopefully, our little conflict stops her from going in for quite some time.

I am serving a customer. One of our regulars is behind him.

Customer: “You’re taking too long to make my coffee!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a complicated order and I want to get it right.”

Customer: “Complicated?! A monkey could make it! Stop whining and hurry up! I’m late for a very important meeting! I’m a lawyer!”

I am hurrying as fast as I can. I hand him his drink and he takes a sip straight away. He ordered it extra hot, so I would not recommend this!

Customer: “This just burned my tongue! Didn’t you hear I was a lawyer?! I’m going to sue you and this place unless you make me another drink and get it right this time!”

At this point, my regular steps in.

Regular: “Oh, you’re a lawyer, too? What firm?”

Customer: “None of your business!”

Regular: “Oh, I’m just curious. You said twice, quite loudly, that you’re a lawyer. Me, too! Actually, I represent this store. Therefore, I’d like to know what firm you represent, just in case there are any conflicts of interest with existing cases.”

Customer: “Um…”

Regular: “As I am sure you’re aware — of course, you are; you’re a lawyer — that impersonating a lawyer or anyone within the legal system is a crime and can carry with it quite a hefty sentence.”

Customer: “Well… I…”

Regular: “So, what firm?”

The customer stares at my regular for a moment and then at me, and then, he suddenly decides his drink is okay and storms off with it.

Me: “Thanks, [Regular]! Although, unless you graduated and didn’t tell me, aren’t you only a law student?”

Regular: “One of the first things they teach you in law school: it’s not about what you know, it’s about what you can prove.”

His drink was on the house that day.

Related:
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 3
Just Lawyered Yourself, Part 2
Just Lawyered Yourself