Scammers Never Take A Holiday

| VA, USA | Right | August 30, 2016

Customer: “Hi, can I get [Popular Holiday Beverage]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that’s only available during the holiday season. Can I get you something else?”

Customer: “Well, since you’re out of what I want, can I get some of those free drink coupons you give out?”

Me: “No, sir, literally no one has [Popular Holiday Beverage] right now. It’s April.”

Customer: *scanning menu board* “What about [Item he thinks sounds obscure]?”

Me: “It’s available in half pounds right here, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t want that. I just hoped you’d give me some coupons ’cause you probably didn’t have it.”

(After he leaves:)

Coworker: “That’s like ordering a pony at McDonald’s, and demanding free stuff because they don’t have it. What the h***?”

Putting The ‘Table’ Into A Stable Relationship

, | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | August 29, 2016

(I’m working at a coffee shop cleaning tables, when an older gentleman tells me what a good housewife I’ll be due to my table washing abilities. Many men make comments like this towards women at my work, so we thank them politely, even if it actually annoys us. After yet another comment, I call my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to remind you how lucky you are to have me, because I was just told by another gentleman what a good housewife I’ll be, because I can wash a table!”

Boyfriend: “Babe… That’s a problem. Because… I’m pretty good at table-washing, too… So who will wash the tables?! I thought I’d be barefoot in the kitchen cooking for you when we’re married!”

Me: “No, no, babe. You can only do those things now because you’re a bachelor! Once we’re married—”

Boyfriend: “Oh, right! You become my slave. I forgot!”

Me: “Exactly!”

Boyfriend: “You’ll cook all my meals, and speak only when spoken to.”

Me: “Except when you’re not home. Then I’ll sing as I clean the house.”

Boyfriend: “With woodland creatures?”

Me: “You know it!”

Double D-erogatory, Part 2

| Australia | Friendly | August 28, 2016

(Friends and I are discussing sleeping habits. I am the token big-boobed friend and get teased about it.)

Me: “I tend to sleep on my stomach.”

Friend: “How can you sleep on your stomach with those boobs? Where do you put them?”

Me: “That’s what armpits are for; I’ve just got to remember they are there before I try to roll over.”


On The House, By And Large

| Newark, DE, USA | Working | August 27, 2016

(It’s chilly so I’ve decided to get a cup of cocoa on my way home and stop at a VERY well known coffee shop. It’s my first time going to this shop seeing as I don’t drink coffee.)

Barista: “Hi there! What’re you interested in today?”

Me: “Uhm, can I just get a medium hot chocolate with whipped cream?”

Barista: “Are you sure you don’t want a large? They’re free today!”

Me: *looking around for any promotional banners* “Are you sure? Is there some kinda promotion going on?”

Barista: “Nope. Register’s broken so the drinks are on the house today!”

Not A Latte Sense

| Casselton, ND, USA | Right | August 27, 2016

Customer: “I want a hazelnut cappuccino.”

Me: “Okay, just to be sure, did you want a latte or a cappuccino? Cappuccinos have less milk and more foam.”

Customer: *usually with a look of pure smugness* “No, I want a cappuccino.”

(I make their drink with all the extra foam. It is served in the same size cups as the lattes.)

Customer: “Excuse me! This was only like two mouthfuls! Why wasn’t my drink full?”

Me: “As I mentioned, cappuccinos are made with less milk and more foam. Lattes, however, are made with the cup filled with steamed milk.”

Customer: “Oh, I wanted a latte.”

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