The Drink Of The Month

| IA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work at a kiosk of a popular coffee chain. It’s before school, and my coworker is ringing up a girl’s order.)

Customer: “I want a peppermint mocha, but with no coffee in it.”

Coworker: “Okay, so a steamer.”

(My coworker hands me the cup and I can’t help but giggle a little.)

Coworker: “What is it?”

Me: “Oh, you wrote down PMS for the drink order.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh jeez, I didn’t even think about that. But that’s what it is, a peppermint mocha steamer.”

Customer: “That’s one way to start a morning.”

(I make the drink and hand it to her.)

Me: “Here’s your PMS, ma’am.”

Customer: “Don’t go PMSing now!”

Giving You A (Prison) Break

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

Me: “I-I-I, um…”

Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Me: “Uh, you, um…”

Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

Should Have Put Dairy In The Diary

| Canada | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a fast food coffee shop. Every year since it opened, our location has been the only store to remain open during the holidays. I volunteer to work Christmas Day.)

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How can we help you?”

Customer: *in drive thru* “Excuse me, are you guys open?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we are. What can we get for you?”

Customer: “Do you know if the grocery store next door is open?”

Coworker: “Unfortunately I do not know their holiday hours. You will have to go take a look.”

Customer: “You are a coffee shop, right? You must have cream, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Great. I don’t want to go the store, so can I have 16 cups of cream?”

Coworker: “I am sorry; I have no way of entering that into my till.”

Customer: “Well, just give me a carton.”

Coworker: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I will need to charge you for it, but since we don’t sell cream by the cup or carton I have no way of doing so.”

Customer: “Just give me some d*** cream. I need it for a recipe for Christmas dinner. It is an emergency!”

Coworker: “Once again, I am sorry but we cannot just give you 16 cups of cream.”

Customer: “Well, what am I going to do now for dinner?!”

Coworker: “I do not know, ma’am, but if it was as important as you said you wouldn’t have waited to get the ingredients until Christmas Day, when everything basically closes.”