I am a police officer. My city has a chronic inability to keep crossing guards, but kids still need to cross the road safely to school, so when there is no crossing guard for a corner, officers are assigned to cover it.

I am scheduled to cover a corner at a specific time — too soon to risk getting caught on another call but just long enough away that I can grab coffee at my favorite local place and kill five minutes by sitting to eat my granola bar breakfast.

It is about 8:00 am; almost no calls come out around that time anyway, as it’s after a lot of the morning car accidents and too early for much else.

Enter a Concerned Citizen. She approaches my table and starts talking to me with no intro.

Citizen: “Is the city safe?”

Me: *Confused* “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Citizen: “Is the city safe with you in here?”

Internally, I reply, “As safe as it is when I pee or anything else normal.” But out loud, I say:

Me: “Yes, ma’am. There are lots of other officers working, and I’m eating really quickly before a detail. I’ll hear on the radio if I need to respond to anything emergent.”

The woman snorted and walked off.

I’m still not sure if she thinks I’m Batman, single-handedly keeping the criminals from overrunning the place, or if she just doesn’t think cops should be allowed to use the bathroom or eat food for twelve-plus hours at a time.

I was working in a coffee chain on Christmas Eve. Near closing, a woman came in and ordered the largest cold brew with no water and no ice, and four or five shots of espresso.

Me: “Are you sure?”

Woman: “Santa got my daughter a bike and it needs to be assembled.”

She was extremely nice and didn’t even put sugar in her drink. I hope she’s doing okay.

My friend works for a mom-and-pop coffee shop. The owners don’t have a set policy for how to greet customers during the holidays like a lot of big corporate places do; they don’t really care as long as you’re polite. My friend takes the approach of responding with whatever the customer might say to her. She recounted this incident from the past holiday season.

Customer #1: “Thanks a bunch. And hey, Merry Christmas!”

Friend: “Merry Christmas. Next!”

Customer #2: *Comes in glaring at my friend* “Manager. Now!”

One of the owners was refilling the pastries next to the register and stands up right away.

Owner: “Yes?”

Customer #2: “You need to take disciplinary action against this employee. That may even be a fireable offense!”

Owner: “Uh, what was?”

Customer #2: “She told the other customer…” *drops his voice* “…’Merry Christmas.'” *Regular volume* “Now, mind you, I wasn’t offended, but it might offend someone, so you need to make an example here!”

Owner: “You’re kidding me, right? You just said you weren’t offended, and the customer who said the same thing to her wasn’t offended.”

The owner calls to the other few people in line.

Owner: “Anyone offended?”

They all shake their heads and roll their eyes.

Owner: “Last I checked, ‘Merry Christmas’ isn’t a swear word or anything like that. Why should I discipline one of my best employees over it?”

[Customer #2] starts ranting about civil liberties that might be infringed upon, and my friend is close to tears, when the next customer in line pipes up.

Customer #3: “Dude, no one here is offended but you, so can you either get a coffee or get a life so I can get my d*** drink?”

[Customer #2] stormed out shouting something about calling the ACLU.

Related:
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 8
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 7
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 6
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 5
Tis The Season For Unreason, Part 4

A group of riders strolls into our establishment carrying helmets, and they seem to be all about themselves. They are loud and obnoxious but overall friendly, and they immediately start with a round of coffee. This Axl Rose-looking bandana dude looks at the half-and-half on the table.

Dude: “Do you guys have any hazelnut or caramel-flavored creamer?”

Me: “No, just plain half-and-half, but we do have almond milk or soy milk.”

His face scrunches up and he gives his friends a sarcastic look.

Dude: “Do I look like someone who drinks soy?”

Without missing a beat, I say:

Me: “Dude, you literally just asked me if we have frou-frou creamer.”

The table absolutely loses it and keels over in laughter. Axl Rose just smiles big.

Dude: “…you got me.”

They ended up being really fun and tipped fat.

I know everyone prefers trainwreck stories, but sometimes the good moments are just as entertaining.

I am working the counter at a coffee shop. A customer comes up.

Customer: “Are you human?”

Me: *Thinking he’s joking* “I hope so.”

Customer: “Hmm…”

He leans over and takes a long uncomfortable sniff.

Customer: “You know when you stretch piercings?”

Me: “I think so.”

Customer: “And they start smelling.”

Me: “No? I don’t actually have piercings, sorry.”

Customer: “Like smelly stretched piercings. That’s you.”

He turns around and leaves.

I’m a bit confused and sniff under my arm. I can’t smell anything, so I ask a colleague who’s just come out from the kitchen.

Me: “Do I smell?”

Colleague: *Sniffs me* “Yeah, like grapefruit. Why?”

After telling her about the customer, she just shrugged.

Definitely the weirdest conversation I’ve had here.