(I am in the middle of a cross-country road trip in my RV, and have been stopping at places with free WiFi in the evenings to take an online continuing education course while I do so. I’ve been sitting in an armchair with my laptop and headphones for about 45 minutes when I notice that a guy about my age is trying to get my attention. I ignore him for a while but he’s distractingly insistent.)

Me: *takes off headphones* “Yes?”

Guy: “Hey, what’re you looking at there?”

Me: *turns laptop around so he can see the screen* “A swollen ferret vulva.”

Guy: “Ew, what the h***?”

Me: “I’m a vet. It’s for science.” *puts headphones back on and goes back to ignoring him*

(The guy left immediately afterwards. Never try to chat up a veterinarian unless you have a strong stomach!)

(A local cafe which makes all of its dishes from scratch is offering “luxury cheese on toast” as a special. Being allergic to nuts, I ask what the ingredients were.)

Cashier: “It’s a secret!”

Me: “Okay, but I need to know the ingredients.”

Cashier: “It’s a secret recipe, but it’s very nice.”

Me: “I can’t eat nuts. Can you tell me if it has nuts in the recipe?”

Cashier: “It’s cheese on toast. I wouldn’t think it would have nuts. It’s been a very good seller. Lots of people have given us good feedback.”

Me: “I’m sure, but can you tell me for sure if there are any nuts or nut oils used in it?”

Cashier: “I don’t have the recipe; it’s secret. But I don’t think it has nuts.”

Me: “…”

Cashier: “…”

Me: “I’ll just have a coffee.”

(We have one lady who is a regular and comes in every morning. I am fairly new to this store, but I’ve seen her in enough to know what she usually gets. She’s a little quirky and surly but has never shown signs of anything beyond normal old-lady crankiness.)

Me: “Oh, hello, Mrs. [Name]! Would you like your usual?”

(She fixes me with a look both terrified and furious.)

Customer: *shouting* “LADY, I have NEVER seen YOU before in my entire life! You stay AWAY from me!”

(She then runs from the store. My manager walks over.)

Manager: “Oh, yeah… so, that one? She doesn’t like knowing that we know.”

(I am at the mall and decide to stop by the stand for a well-known coffee chain to get a frozen drink. There are three employees: Employee #1 who is rude, Employee #2 who is doing all the work, and Employee #3 who is too lazy to live. Employee #1 takes my order and I move to the bar to wait for my drink.)

Employee #3: “Who had the green tea frappe?

Me: “I did.”

Employee #3: “So, yeah, we don’t have enough matcha powder to make your drink. I mean, there’s some in there, but it’s not enough.”

Me: *thinking I’ll be asked to re-order* “Okay…?”

Employee #3: “We should have another container upstairs in stock. Do you want me to go getu it? You’d have to wait.”

Me: “I’ll wait. Please go get it.”

(He leaves and I’m waiting roughly eight minutes all while Employees #1 and #2 are arguing because the former is speaking to both customers and the latter rudely and can’t seem to comprehend why everyone’s mad at him. Meanwhile, Employee #2 is the only one making drinks as Employee #1 plays with pastries and a long line behind me is forming of unhappy customers.)

Employee #3: *returning* “So, yeah, we don’t have anymore. Do you want what’s already made up?” *it’s just the milk and powder mixture that’s been sitting on the counter uncovered this whole time*

Employee #2: “No, you are not giving her that. [Employee #1]! Go find that powder! *turning to me* “I am so sorry about this. I know it’s there; I don’t care what he says.”

(I’m getting annoyed but am too polite to say anything so I wave it off. Another eight minutes go by and Employee #1 returns with the powder.)

Employee #3: *addressing [Employee #2]* “So, add this to what I already made, or…?”

Employee #2: “DUMP THAT OUT, YOU IDIOT. Start again!”

(My drink finally got made. But all this time, for my inconvenience, I was not offered a discount, a refund, a free cookie, or anything.)

(While waiting for my order at the window of a local coffee place, I overhear this conversation:)

Employee: “One large chocolate chip chocolate Frappuccino with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate sauce.”

Woman: “That’s me.”

(I eye her drink with slight judgment.)

Woman: “It’s not for me; it’s for my grown-*ss man child who would rather play Halo all day than get food.”

(The entire store heard this and was laughing for ten minutes. The manager gave her a $10 gift certificate for the comment.)