The Lion, The Witch And The Supply Cabinet

, , | Right | July 28, 2008

(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall which also holds an eight-foot tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies. )

Coworker: “Thanks for calling [Coffee Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, is this [Coffee Place]?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “This is the [Coffee Place] in [Public Square]?”

Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “The one with the bathroom?”

Coworker: “Uh… yes?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I can’t get out.”

Coworker: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”

Customer: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”

Coworker: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”

Coworker: *to me* “Ummm… so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is, in fact, a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here! ”

(I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)

Me: “Okay. Well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”

Customer: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”

Me: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”

Customer: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”

(I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)

Customer: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one…” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”

(Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)

Coworker: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”

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One Coffee Conflagration, Coming Right Up

, , | Right | July 10, 2008

Customer: “I’d like a venti latte made with organic milk. It has to be organic milk.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have organic milk in this store.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not? It says that you do on the menu!”

Coworker: “Well, our customers here rarely order drinks made with organic milk, so we don’t stock it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?! I cannot drink my latte if it isn’t made with organic milk!”

Coworker: “If it’s that important to you, we can make your drink with soy, which is organic.”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Soy milk is disgusting! Regular milk is disgusting! I should be able to get what I WANT when I come here! It is imperative that I have my god-d*** latte made with organic milk!”

(They go back and forth like this for several more minutes as the line behind her grows longer and more impatient, while my friend is desperately trying to appease her with our milk options. Suddenly, the customer’s friend seems to finally have run out of patience…)

Customer: “I NEED it to be ORGANIC!”

Customer’s Friend: *suddenly loud* “Why? So you can stand outside and drink your d*** organic latte while smoking your organic cigarettes? They don’t have it! Drop it already and get something else!”


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Coffee Shop Customer Found Poked To Death

| Right | July 9, 2008

Customer: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”

Me: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”

Customer: “Just let me feel it.”

(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

Customer: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”

Me: “Alright…”

(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

Customer: “Not THAT one! It’s got holes all in it!”

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The Baby Steps Diet

, | Right | July 8, 2008

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Coffee Shop]. How can I help you?”

Regular Customer: “Hey, buddy!”

Me: “How are ya today? The usual?”

Regular Customer: “Nope, I cut back on my sugar. I no longer take eight.”

Me: “Oh. What can I get you, then?”

Regular Customer: “I’ll get a large with seven and three quarters sugar.”

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What Planet Is She From, Because I Want To Live There

, , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

Me: “That’ll be $1.95.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t want to pay for it.”

Me: *shocked* “Ma’am, this is a store. We sell things for money in order to make a profit.”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “The coffee isn’t free.”

Customer: “Can I have the coffee anyway, since you already poured it?”

Me: “No. ”

Customer: *looks at me for a moment and then walks away*

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