Giving You A (Prison) Break

, , , , , | Right | January 8, 2015

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh, for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess, too.”

Me: “I-I-I, um…”

Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Me: “Uh, you, um…”

Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

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Stuff Your Assumptions

| Friendly | January 5, 2015

(I’m in town with my best friend and her two girls. We stop in a coffee shop and all get a drink and some cake. As I’m paying, I hear two older women comment behind us.)

Woman #1: “So many things wrong there; it’s disgusting.”

Woman #2: “I know. A kid having kids, and an immigrant only here for the cash handouts. Plus feeding those poor girls all that garbage.”

Woman #1: “I hope you enjoy having all that on us!”

Me: “Excuse me? But why should the colour of my skin determine if I’m British or not?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Second, just because we are lucky enough to look young in our late thirties, that’s not our problem. Third, I work d*** hard putting in long hours to put a roof over our heads and making sure these girls get fed, so if I want to treat them when I have some spare money, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to treat them. And if you don’t like that, then you can just—”

Girls: “—GET STUFFED!”

(The women walk out, red-faced, quite quickly.)

Barista: “Well, I know which two girls I want on my side!”

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Penny For Your Lack Of Thoughts

| Working | December 28, 2014

(This happens between two coworkers. Coworker #1 is 29 and Coworker #2 is 23.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, look, they changed the pennies!”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, that’s from the Bahamas. We must have accepted it by accident.”

Coworker #1: “No, I took it on purpose. It’s a penny.”

Coworker #2: “Well, yeah, in the Bahamas. It’s not worth anything here. It’s not American currency. We can not accept this.”

Coworker #1: “But it’s a penny.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, from the Bahamas. It’s not legal tender in the US.”

Coworker #1: “But it’s a penny.”

(Throughout the day at various points I’d hear her say “it’s a penny.” She still doesn’t get it.)

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Should Have Put Dairy In The Diary

| Right | December 23, 2014

(I work in a fast food coffee shop. Every year since it opened, our location has been the only store to remain open during the holidays. I volunteer to work Christmas Day.)

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How can we help you?”

Customer: *in drive thru* “Excuse me, are you guys open?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we are. What can we get for you?”

Customer: “Do you know if the grocery store next door is open?”

Coworker: “Unfortunately I do not know their holiday hours. You will have to go take a look.”

Customer: “You are a coffee shop, right? You must have cream, right?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Great. I don’t want to go the store, so can I have 16 cups of cream?”

Coworker: “I am sorry; I have no way of entering that into my till.”

Customer: “Well, just give me a carton.”

Coworker: “I can’t do that, ma’am. I will need to charge you for it, but since we don’t sell cream by the cup or carton I have no way of doing so.”

Customer: “Just give me some d*** cream. I need it for a recipe for Christmas dinner. It is an emergency!”

Coworker: “Once again, I am sorry but we cannot just give you 16 cups of cream.”

Customer: “Well, what am I going to do now for dinner?!”

Coworker: “I do not know, ma’am, but if it was as important as you said you wouldn’t have waited to get the ingredients until Christmas Day, when everything basically closes.”

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Off-Color Customer

| Right | December 8, 2014

(I am changing out the coffee urns by the entrance when this exchange happens. It’s a very slow part of the day so the restaurant is empty but for one person.)

Customer: “Hey, where do I order a sandwich?”

Me: *pointing to the counter not 15 feet away where the only other customer is ordering* “Right over there, sir.”

Customer: “Where? I don’t see it.”

Me: “Just give your order to that employee right there.”

Customer: “Who? Do I order with you?”

Me: “…no. That guy standing behind the counter right there.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: *pointing* “Okay, do you see that large sign suspended from the ceiling that says ‘Order Sandwiches Here’?”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: *pointing again* “Do you see those two people standing right there? It’s just above them. Just walk over there.”

Customer: *looking directly at them* “I don’t get it. Where’s the sign?”

Me: “Sir, just walk over to where that other customer is standing and the employee will take your order next.”

Customer: *staring in that direction* “Who?”

Me: *starting to wonder if his eyesight is very bad* “Sir, do you see that person standing at the counter right there?”

Customer: “Oh, you mean that BLACK GUY? He’s a customer?!”

(This was loud enough that the other customer heard and turned around.)

Me: “….yeeeahhh. He’s at the front of the line. Just go over there and stand behind him.”

(The customer still looked confused, and still seemed to have some trouble finding it as he wandered over. I apologized to the other customer as he was leaving, while my poor coworker had a deer-in -the-headlights look while he was trying to get the other guy’s order (which took over five minutes). Thank goodness he came in while it was slow!)

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