(I’m being trained as a barista at a little family cafe.)

Manager: “So you make the coffee like this, and if they ask for flavouring, what do you do?”

Me: “Well, there’re flavouring things here. Do I use them?”

Manager: “Yep! You use the flavouring pumps. But you should always squirt the flavouring into the cup first, because…”

(She throws a look around and turns back to me conspiratorially.)

Manager: “Sometimes there’re ants in the flavouring. We keep it right next to the window!”

(That job didn’t work out; she sent me home and never invited me back. I can’t help but wonder if the problem was the face that I made.)

(I’m working in a coffee shop with a new starter who is in her late teens. This shop has a giant clock mounted to the wall behind the counter. It’s more for aesthetic, but it also means very few of us bother with watches.)

Me: “Okay, [Starter], your break is at three pm.”

Starter: *blank stare*

Me: “Is that all right?”

Starter: “When will I know?”

Me: “That’s about four hours from now.”

Starter: “…but how do I know? I’m not allowed to have my phone.”

Me: “There’s a clock behind you.”

Starter: *staring wildly at the wall, and directly at the clock* “Where?”

Me: “The giant circle.”

Starter: “That’s a CLOCK? It’s just see lines! How can you understand that?”

Me: “It’s an analogue clock. The long… line represents minutes while the short line represents hours. They rotate around the middle as time goes by.”

Starter: *staring at me like I’m from another world* “Who came up with that? Why not just have what’s on my iPhone?”

Me: “That’s digital. I guess the owner wanted an analogue because it looks fancier.”

Starter: “But, the numbers. Where are the numbers?”

Me: “There. They have roman numerals.”

Starter: “Oh, like gypsies?”

(What on earth are we teaching kids these days?)

(I am at a popular doughnut/coffee shop in New England. I just want a cup of coffee.)

Me: “I’d like a large cup of black coffee, please.”

Counter Help: “Cream and sugar?”

Me: “No, thanks, just a large black coffee.”

Counter Help: “Iced?”

Me: “No, just a plain hot black cup of coffee.”

Counter Help: “Room for cream and sugar?”

Me: “No, just a large black hot coffee.”

Counter Help: “Cream and sugar on the side?”

Me: *feeling a little frustrated now* “I just want a hot cup of black coffee.”

Counter Help: “Okay.” *sets two large cups of hot coffee on the counter*

Me: “I just wanted one.”

(I work in a popular international coffee chain. We often get confusing drink orders from customers, but this exchange takes the cake!)

Customer: “Can I get a [Popular Hot Drink] with regular milk?”

Me: “Did you want skim, 2%, or whole?”

Customer: “I want regular milk.”

Me: “Right, but what do you consider ‘regular’? We have three types: Skim, 2%, or, whole?”

Customer: *clearly getting agitated* “REGULAR. MILK.”

Me: “Right, so 2%? Whole?”

Customer: “I JUST WANT SOME GOD-D*** REGULAR MILK! IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!”

Me: *quickly writes 2% on the cup and passes it down*

Me: *over the headset after the customer walks away* “What is regular milk?”

Coworker #1: “I always drink 2%.”

Coworker #2: “I would have said whole.”

Coworker #3: “I’m tempted to make his drink with water to be honest.”

Manager: “He wants you to get the cow and squirt the milk directly into his drink. Obviously.”

(The customer continued to make comments about our incompetence under his breath while his coffee was being made, but didn’t seem to care that I had written “2%” on his cup instead of “regular.”)

(We’re a competitor to a very popular coffee and donut shop, but we also serve bagels. Our popular competitor places their bagels and donuts side by side. We just have a sign listing our bagels, but keep them behind the counter. This was an everyday occurrence.)

Customer: *looks at donut rack* “Oh, it looks like you don’t have any bagels. Oh, well!”

Me: “Actually, we do have bagels. Everything that’s on that list.”

Customer: “Oh… where do you keep them?”

Me: “In the deli, stored in a pantry.”

Customer: “But… how do they stay fresh when they’re not on the shelf, in the open?”

Me: “…”

(Everyday occurrence…)