I’ll Take It Black Death

| Columbus, OH, USA | Right | January 10, 2017

(I am the customer in this story. I walk into my local coffee shop this morning and notice that one of the menu TVs is showing a Blue Screen of Death.)

Me: “I wasn’t expecting to see that on your menu.”

Barista: “Yeah, we have a new Blue Screen of Death Latte. It tastes like a burnt out computer.”

Me: “Mmm… Silicon Dioxide.”

Barista: “Yummy.”

Double Doubling The Work Load

| USA | Working | January 6, 2017

(I frequent a coffee shop famous for its “double double” order. This happens every time I go to one, anywhere I’ve ever been in one.)

Me: “Can I get a large double double with caramel, please?”

Cashier: *baffled* “What?”

Me: “A large coffee with two creams, two sugars, and a caramel shot, please.”

Cashier: “Okay, so that’s a large double double with caramel.”

Your Friend Is Way Out Of Disorder

| Swindon, Wales, UK | Friendly | January 5, 2017

(I’m in recovery from a very serious eating disorder where I’ve not eaten more than 100 calories a day for months. Because I’m still curvy, people regularly don’t believe there was anything wrong with me. My friends, however, all know what I’m been going through. This is my first time out at an eating establishment since recovery.)

Me: “I’m kinda nervous about this. I mean, what if I forgot how to drink coffee?”

Friend: “You never forget. It’s just like falling off a log.”

Me: *reaches for a sugar cube to put in the coffee*

Friend: “Um, I thought you didn’t want to be fat? Skip the sugar.”

(Yeah, thanks. Two months of therapy down the plughole.)

Coffee Consumption Breeds Family Assumption

| England, UK | Friendly | January 4, 2017

(We’ve just had our second child. I am exhausted; I haven’t slept properly for weeks. My wife and I share the feeds but she has been feeling worse than I, so I let her sleep through and am up every other hour. I take advantage of our youngest having a midday nap and take her out to the coffee shop around the corner.  I’m barely functioning but I manage to get to the counter and order.)

Me: “A coffee please, black.”

Cashier: “What size?”

Me: “Huh?”

Cashier: “I’m going to put you down for a large with a double shot.”

Me: “Yes, yes, that sounds good.”

Cashier: “Go sit down and I will bring it over.”

Me: “No, no, it’s fine.”

Cashier: “I insist.”

(I find a table, quickly realising that there was no way I could push a buggy and carry a hot coffee. The server brings me my drink and a small mountain of sugar. I see the elderly couple next to me turning around and talking loudly. I miss a lot of what they say until the woman turns around.)

Woman: “You know you should have waited to have children if you can’t handle it!”

(The lack of logic and rudeness wheels around my head as I try to come back in the politest way possible.)

Me: “I’m here for coffee not your opinion.”

Woman: “Typical kids, shacking up. Learn some responsibility and get a job. Sponger.”

(I am far too tired to put up with this, but this gives me some energy.)

Me: “Listen, you old bat, I have a job. A good one, in fact. And I’m not a child; I’m 30. Not that it’s any of your business but I’m giving my wife a break. I want to sit here and drink my coffee without some miserable crone making my life any more difficult.”

Woman: “Well, I never! We will see about this!”

(She storms off to the coffee shop counter. I can see that she is giving the woman an earful. I’m past caring at this point and see what happens. She returns alone grabs her things and they both leave. Just before they get out of earshot I call after them.)

Me: “If you are so much better than everyone, how come you are stealing newspapers?”

(She throws the newspaper down; embarrassed, they dart off. During the commotion my daughter wakes up and as I start to feed her the cashier turns up.)

Cashier: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “You know what?  I feel great. I think that was exactly what I needed.”

‘Tis Always The Season For Stupidity

| Devon, England, UK | Right | December 27, 2016

(I am finishing off my last-minute Christmas shopping after payday, and decide to treat myself to a coffee. I go to a different coffee shop than my usual one, for a change, and to check out their seasonal drinks. The employee who is serving is a friend of a friend who I’m on good terms with.)

Me: “I’m glad you’re working. Now I can ask what’s better: the toffee nut latte, or the honey and almond hot chocolate? I couldn’t decide.”

Employee: “The toffee nut latte.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try that one, then.”

Employee: “One has coffee in it, and one doesn’t.”

Me: “I know…?”

Employee: “Oh, good. I just thought I’d let you know.”

Me: “Seriously? Does that really happen? Are there people who don’t know the difference between a latte and a hot chocolate?”

Employee: “Yes.”

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