I work for a coffee chain that’s opening two new locations in a new massive mall development, so we’re hiring like crazy. This results in conducting group interviews to get through the numbers. 

We start with a breezy opening question.

Me: “So, what’s everyone’s favorite drink from [Coffee Chain]?”

Interviewee #1: “I like black coffee, but then when I get bored of it, I pour in milk halfway through and turn it into tea.”

Me: “Tea?”

Interviewee #1: “Yeah. You know how, when you pour milk in coffee to turn it into tea?”

I look to the other interviewees to see if any of them will step in to correct her.

Interviewee #2: “Wow…”

Here we go.

Interviewee #2: “I didn’t know that!”

Oh no…

Not one of them knew enough to contradict her. At this point, I wasn’t blaming them, but the recruitment guy who let all these resumés get to the group interview stage.

I get things back on track.

Interviewee #3: “I like the coconut frappe.”

Me: “Well, a frappe is a Starbucks drink. I wanted to know your favorite drink from [Our Chain].”

Interviewee #3: “Oh, I don’t order any drinks from here. They all suck.”

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…

Interviewee #4: “This isn’t Starbucks?”

It is late October. Our store is doing the typical pumpkin spice range, as well as a limited-edition series of drinks as a merchandise tie-in to the upcoming Wicked movie adaptation.

Customer: “So, what do y’all do with the pumpkins? I was wondering if I could have ’em?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you want a pumpkin drink?”

Customer: “No, no. You got all the pumpkin spice drinks, but I want the pumpkin skins you don’t need. I wanna make jack-o’-lanterns for Halloween.”

Me: “Uh, we don’t use real pumpkins for the pumpkin spice drinks. It’s all flavorings.”

Customer: “…huh?”

Me: “We don’t use actual pumpkins. It’s just a syrup.”

I hold up one of the flavoring bottles for them to see.

Customer: “Wait… so y’all don’t use real pumpkins?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “So y’all lying?”

Me: “No, it’s just how we flavor it with pumpkin spice. The available list of ingredients doesn’t say real pumpkin.”

Customer: “So when you say you put something in a drink, it’s not real? That’s lying! I ain’t ever coming here again!”

The customer storms out.

Coworker: “Wait until they discover that Glinda’s Pink Potion and Elphaba’s Cold Brew aren’t made with real magic…”

I’m catching up with a friend in a coffee shop.

Friend: “My landlord is increasing my rent again!”

Me: “Wow, again? Didn’t he do it at the beginning of the year? How can he justify doing it twice in one year?”

Friend: “He said I’m not allowed to keep animals on the property, so he’s increasing my rent when he found out about Tim.”

Me: “Tim… your tarantula?”

Friend: “Exactly! See! He’s an insect, not an animal!”

Me: “The fact that you were wrong twice in that sentence suddenly makes me very worried for Tim…”

P.S. Tim is fine.

My family owned a coffee shop/general store where we sold all kinds of random stuff, from office supplies and toilet paper to lattes and smoothies. It was random, but it filled a need in the neighborhood.

At one point, we decided to pour candles. They were popular, so we started selling wholesale and at events. I was selling one day at a farmers’ market when a woman came to the booth. She recognises the candles, but doesn’t look at the rest of my booth.

Customer: “Oh, these candles are great! I usually buy them at this little s*** shop downtown.”

So, there I am, with my logo for the ‘s*** shop’ on my candles and a big banner for the same shop behind me. She hasn’t clocked on that the candles are handmade in my shop.

Me: *Pointing to the banner.* “Is it that s*** shop?”

Customer: *Eyes widen.* “Oh… uh… no, it must be another shop!”

Me: “Could you tell me which one? I make these candles myself, so if someone is selling low-quality copies of them, I need to know.”

Customer: *Backing away.* “Oh, I forgot. It was… uh… downtown.” *Trips over some items as she’s backing away.* “S***! F*** it.” *Runs away.*

I work in a coffee place on a large college campus. Most of us coworkers are students at the college, making some extra money. I’m putting out some fresh brownies on the display:

Coworker: “Oh, that reminds me, I need to bring brownies for a party tonight.”

Me: “Well, if we don’t sell any of these, I guess you could take them.”

Coworker: “They need to be special brownies.”

Manager: *Joking.* “How do you know these aren’t special brownies? Maybe this is how we keep our customers so mellow!”

Coworker: “I know those aren’t special because I don’t see the customers blowing out smoke when they eat them.”

We all laugh at the joke and the mental imagery, until we realize she’s being serious.

Me: “[Coworker], you know you don’t smoke a weed brownie, right?”

Coworker: “Of course you do! It’s weed!”

Me: “[Coworker], aren’t you a straight-A student?”

Manager: “Well, now we know how, by never doing drugs!”