Me: “…and your total comes to $10.28.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t. I bought two shirts.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but today is a buy 1, get 1 free sale on all women’s apparel.”

Customer: “Is this some sort of scheme? Because I’m not gonna pay unless I pay for both! I ain’t falling for no scheme!”

Me: “Miss, I can assure you that today is a a buy 1, get 1 free sale.”

Customer: *throws down a $20 and a $1 and storms out of the store*

(I work in a medical uniform store. The first customer of the day comes into our store with her father; she’s making a big return on several different items. Instead of doing an even exchange, she picks out different clothes as well as adding a watch that wasn’t originally with the purchase. I’ve rung everything through and the new total is five or six dollars above $100. This is important, as the place she works at gives her a $100 allowance at our store.)

Customer: “Are you sure the price is right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, one of the tops rang up above price, but I knocked it down to the ticketed price for you.”

Customer: “What about the money from my return?”

Me: “It was taken out of what you were buying already. [Price] is what’s left over after the return money has been taken out.”

Customer: “That’s still not right. I took a cheaper pair of shoes to afford the watch.”

Me: “Let me show you how this breaks down…”

(I take out the register calculator and add up her returns for her. I then add up her purchases total, which comes out bigger than the returns. She makes me repeat this another time. Meanwhile a line is starting to form with other customers; it’s a small store and I’m the only register open. She decides to switch tactics.)

Customer: “I think I was overcharged when I first bought the clothes. The tag and the charge on the receipt don’t match, see?”

(She holds out the original receipt and makes me recalculate everything again. Sure enough, she hasn’t been overcharged on anything. As the line is growing longer, she switches tactics again.)

Customer: “I get a discount for working at [hospital] right?”

Me: “Normally, yes, but that’s only for full priced items. All of yours are already on sale. I can’t compound discounts.”

Customer: “But I work at [hospital]! You should give me the discount!”

Me: “Ma’am, store policy says I cannot put a hospital discount on something that is already discounted.”

Customer: “The girl who rang me up the first time did!”

Me: “Ma’am, we just went through the receipt. Nowhere were you given a hospital discount when the item was already on sale. And, regardless, that was her and this is me; store policy says I cannot compound the discount.”

(The customer opens her mouth to try again, but thankfully her father, who has been patiently waiting along with the other customers in line, intervenes.)

Customer’s Father: “She has given you all the discounts she can. Here, I will pay for it.”

(He hands me the money, I finish the transaction, and they leave. The next customer in line steps up and I thank her for waiting.)

Next Customer: “You have a lot of patience, young lady! I would have kicked her out of the store a long time ago.”

(I am a customer in a clothing store, waiting in line behind a family of five Muslims. There are two cashiers trying to help them. One eventually leaves and comes over to serve me, as there is also a queue behind me building up.)

Cashier: “GOD, they’re so annoying.”

Me: *ignores the cashier’s complaining* “Can I get a carrier bag, please? A 5p one?”

Cashier: “Yeah, sure…” *goes back to complaining* “I mean, seriously. They’re all trying to claim their tax back on their clothes ‘for work,’ but they blatantly just want to send the stuff to whatever h***-hole country they’ve come from for their nine thousand relatives.”

Me: “Uh…”

Cashier: “I’d like MY taxes back too. D’you know what I mean?”

Me: “Uh, you can claim tax rebates for laundering and purchasing of work clothes. It’s UK law. That family would be within their rights to do that.”

Cashier: “Thing is, they come in regularly. We wouldn’t know if they changed the style of scarves they were wearing once in a while, yeah?”

(The women are wearing niqabs, and depending on the particular branch of Islam followed, it would be offensive for women to reveal any more flesh than the niqab permits.)

Me: “Um, that’s a bit offensive. You know, if you really have a problem with customers, you should just get your manager over to deal with them. Also, it’s kind of up to the tax office how much rebate they give out. At the store, you don’t even have to deal with it. Print them a duplicate receipt, maybe, I would guess.”

Cashier: “I dunno why YOU’RE offended. You’re one of us!”

Me: “Uh, a human?”

Customer: “I would like to return this dress. I don’t have my receipt, but I paid for it with a credit card.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. I can take care of that.”

(After running her credit card and scanning the item to see if there is a matching transaction, nothing comes up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, looks like there’s nothing matching this item on this credit card. Did you maybe pay with a different one?”

Customer: “NO! I always pay with THIS credit card here. There’s no way it could be on anything else!”

Me: “Okay, maybe the cashier who did this made a mistake. Let me try a few things…”

(I run the card several times, trying to manually match it with one of the 28 different size combinations my store has.)

Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry. There’s nothing coming up on this card.”

Customer: “Well, then what do we do from here?”

Me: “Well, you can either exchange this item for the same thing in another size or color, or we can send you a merchandise credit by mail.”

Customer: “No! I paid for this item with THIS CARD! I’d like to see a manager!”

Me: “Absolutely…”

(I walkie my manager a few times. She finally comes over after five minutes.)

Manager: “Now, what’s the matter?”

Me: “I’m trying to return her dress. She doesn’t have her receipt. So, I tried to pull it up on her card, but nothing’s happening.”

Manager: “Did you try another credit card?”

Customer: “NO! It’s definitely on THIS CARD! It’s the only card I use here!”

Manager: “It’s not coming up on that card, though, so we have no proof of purchase. I’m not supposed to, but I can issue you a merchandise credit now, and if you find your receipt later, I can redeem it for cash.”

Customer: “No! I want that dress credited back to the card before my next bill!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that without a proof of purchase. I’m sorry, but that’s not worth losing my job over!”

Me: “Look, shot in the dark here—hail mary—we’ll just do this for the fun of it. Let’s just try one of your other credit cards. What do you have to lose?”

Customer: “FINE! If it was any card it would be this one, but I KNOW it wont work!”

(I run the card and scan the dress…)

Me: “Hey look, a match. Okay, $29.94 will be credited back to THIS card. Thanks for coming in. You have a GREAT night!”

(The customer pulls down her shades, looks down, and mumbles quickly.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry. Bye…”

(A customer walks in, and I start helping her out with styles and sizes. Her mom walks in right behind her while I’m starting a fitting room.)

Me: “So, I’m just going to start you out with these styles first. Let me know how they fit.”

Daughter: “Okay, thanks!”

(While she’s trying her clothes on, I’m folding product and talking to my coworker.)

Mom: “Excuse me, sir!”

Me: “Yes! How’s everything going?”

Mom: “Are you gay?”

Me: *chuckling* “Excuse me?”

Mom: “Are you gay? You’re well groomed, well dressed, and smell good… and, all gay guys look and smell like you. Plus, you know what looks good.”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Mom: “Tell me, how does my daughter look in that outfit? Would you let her be your Hag?”

Daughter: *blood-shot face* “MOM!” *to me* “I’m sorry, sir.”

Mom: “What?! The gays always have beautiful girls surrounding them!”