Barefoot And Barely Conscious

, , , , | Right | November 17, 2009

Manager: “Shoe Store], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Shoes? What kind of store is this? I have a bill here from you.”

Manager: “It’s a shoe store.”

Customer: “A shoe store?”

Manager: “A shoe store.”

Customer: “Shoes?”

Manager: “Yes, a shoe store.”

Customer: “A masseuse? ”

Manager: “No, a shoe store.”

Customer: “What are shoes?”

Manager: “…you wear them on your feet?”

Customer: “Shoes?” *pauses* “Oh, shoes! Oh, right! It says that right on my bill here!” *hangs up*

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Confusing Crosses With Crossbones

, , , | Right | August 20, 2009

(An older customer comes out of the fitting room wearing a black and red striped shirt with designs that look like piles of skulls.)

Customer: “I just think that this is so cute. What do you think?”

Me: “That’s a really interesting choice for a blouse.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. I just think these little flower designs are so pretty!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are actually skulls.”

(The customer looks a bit closer at the shirt before finally realizing what she is wearing.)

Customer: “Oh, my Lord, I was planning on wearing this to church!”

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It’s A Fashion Emergency

, , | Right | August 13, 2009

Me: “Apartment maintenance line. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I put too many clothes on the clothes hanger rack in my closet and it fell down.”

Me: “Okay, let me get your information and I’ll send a maintenance tech over. What’s your apartment number?”

Caller: “When is he coming over?”

Me: “Looks like it will be about an hour, maybe a little less.”

Caller: “But this is an emergency! My clothes are all over the floor!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. He’ll be there within an hour to install a better rack for you. It shouldn’t take long for him to do that. Could you provide me with your apartment number?”

Caller: “Where am I supposed to put my clothes? This is an emergency! I’m calling someone else!” *hangs up*

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Closing The Barn Door After The Udders Have Gotten Out

, , , , | Right | June 23, 2009

(A customer comes into our swimsuit store wearing one of our swimsuits, dripping wet. She’s obviously come straight from the pool.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refund for this suit. It’s defective!”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

(Without hesitating, the customer pulls down the front of the suit, flashing her top to me, the store, and the security cameras. The rest of the customers clear out. She’s attempting to show me that the removable cup liners in the bra have curled up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not a defect. It just curled up. You can straighten it out yourself, or you can go into our changeroom, take off the suit, I’ll fix it, and you can put it back on.”

Customer: “But this suit is defective! I need a refund!”

(My supervisor comes over and she flashes the store again to show the “defect”.)

Supervisor: “That’s not a defect, and as it’s clearly posted that there are no refunds on swimwear.”

Customer: “So I’m just out $90, then? I demand a refund! I did not waste my money on a defective suit!”

Me: “Those liners are removable. We can just take them out and they won’t roll up on you anymore.”

Customer: “What?! I’ll show my nipples to the whole f***ing pool!”

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Desperate For Dessert

, , , | Right | May 29, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell pie here?”

Me: “Um, no this is [Department Store]. We sell clothes.”

Customer: “I don’t want clothes. I want pie.”

Me: “You can go across the street to the supermarket.”

Customer: “But I hear that your pie is the best in town.”

Me: “You’ve obviously heard wrong; we don’t sell pie here.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me! I know there’s pie! Where is it?!”

Me: “Sir, there is no pie…”

Customer: “F*** you, are you profiling me? Just because I’m African-American you won’t sell me pie? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

Me: *giving up* “Okay sir, fine; you’re right. Go downstairs, go out the door, and walk across the street. That’s where we sell the pie.”

Customer: “It’s about time…”

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