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A-Pee-l For An Appointment, Part 2

| Right | June 24, 2011

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for drug screening.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed for the day. We open tomorrow at 8.”

Customer: “What! You mean I have to hold it until then?”

Has The Gall To Ask Those Questions

, , , | Right | April 28, 2011

(I approach the family member of a patient we have just operated on.)

Me: “I just wanted to let you know he’s doing fine. We removed his gallbladder and everything went well. He’ll be able to go home today.”

Family Member: “Will it grow back?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Family Member: “Will it grow back? His gallbladder?”

Me: “No, it doesn’t quite work that way. We had to remove it because it was full of large gallstones that were causing him pain.”

(I show them the x-ray.)

Me: “See here. This is fat, and here’s the gallbladder and gallstones.

Family Member: “How’d the fat get there?”

Me: “He… ate too much?”

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Somebody’s Not Listening

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2010

(I am leaving the small medical clinic where I work in the laboratory. A couple enters the doors looking lost.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “We’re trying to find the, ‘er-ology’ clinic?”

Me: “Ah urology. That’s on the second floor, so if you go up the elevator–”

Man: *interrupting* “Wait, wait! There it is, right there!” (He points to a door that says ‘Ear, Nose, and Throat’.)

Me: “Well, actually that’s the door for Ear, Nose–”

Man: *interrupting again* “Yeah! Ears. Like Ear-ology!”

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At Least Someone Is Receiving Maintenance…

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(I work at an asthma and allergy specialists office. A mom calls me five minutes to 5:00 pm on a Friday. We are getting ready to close for the weekend.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need to bring my son in…”

Me: “Ma’am, we close our office at 5:00 pm, and we don’t work weekends. Would you like to talk to the nurse?”

Caller: “No, he needs to see a doctor right now!”

Me: “Well, we have our doctor on call — you’re more than welcome to call him. He can answer your questions and help with anything–”

Caller: “Do you speak English?! I just told you that my son needs to be seen right now! He’s had this cough since Monday, and he hasn’t been breathing right since he got it!”

Me: “Well, it seems that if he’s been that bad since Monday, you would have brought him in then to be seen, or even Tuesday, and not wait until the weekend to call…”

Caller: “I was really busy this week! I had an appointment at the salon almost every day after work to get my hair done, my nails… I just didn’t have time! I have time today because the stylist just called me; she had an emergency and had to re-schedule.”

Me: “Ma’am, right now our office is closed. Please take your son to the emergency room, as it seems like he needs to be seen immediately to have that cough taken care of.”

Caller: *very agitated* “If I take him to the ER, that’s a $100.00 copay! That would eat into my salon funds!”

Me: “…”

That Hot Tub Had Better Be Filled With Spermicide

, , , , , | Right | February 17, 2009

(A woman comes in walking with her daughter trailing behind her and cuts in front on several people.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but someone here yesterday told my 15-year-old daughter she was pregnant and I would like to complain.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can straighten this out. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in line, these people were–”

Customer: “This won’t take long. I just need you to apologize for lying!”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t diagnose your daughter so if–”

Customer: “She can’t be pregnant; she’s 15 AND a virgin. She’s waiting until marriage so unless this is the immaculate conception, I’m going to need an apology.”

Me: “Ma’am, like I said, I did not personally–”


Me: “Ma’am, it doesn’t quite work like that. Now, if you could just–”

Customer: “All I want is an apology. My daughter has been traumatized!”

Me: “Fine, I’ll call the doctor and I’ll see if he can speak to you for a moment.”

Customer: “Tell him to get his butt down here right away, too. My daughter had to leave her boyfriend in the hot tub!”