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Sometimes, This Job Really Blows

| Right | June 27, 2012

(I work as a drug tester for state agencies. Most people come in for breathalyzers. Our machine though does not stop on its own and I have to tell people when to stop blowing. A new client has just come in and is doing his blood alcohol.)

Me: “…and stop blowing.”

(The client doesn’t stop, but keeps blowing until the machine gives a system error.)

Me: “Okay, let’s try one more time…” *client blows* “…and stop.”

(Again, the client doesn’t stop, which causes a system error again. This goes on ELEVEN more times, with me explaining repeatedly that he needs to stop when I tell him to.)

Client: “What the F***! Why won’t this f***ing thing work?!”

Me: “As I’ve explained multiple times, you have to stop when I say or it won’t work.”

Client: “I don’t like people telling me what to do!”

Don’t Try Doctoring The Doctor

| Right | May 30, 2012

(I am a medical receptionist for a busy medical centre. On this particular Friday night, we only have two doctors on and at least 35 people waiting. A new patient comes in.)

New Patient: “Yes, I’d like to see a doctor, please.”

Me: “Certainly sir. Although I must tell you, there will be approximately an hour and half wait. As you can see, we are very busy tonight.”

New Patient: “Are you sure you can’t just squeeze me in at the top of the queue? I couldn’t be bothered to go to work today, so I need a medical certificate.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that won’t be possible. We have a large number of patients with more serious ailments.”

New Patient: “That’s f***ing ridiculous!”

(About ten minutes pass. One of the doctors comes out and calls another patient’s name.)

Doctor: “Mr. [another patient]?”

New Patient: “Yes! That’s me!”

Doctor: “No, it’s not.”

New Patient: “How do you know?! How dare you assume that I’m lying! Do you know who I am?!”

Doctor: “I know for a fact that you’re not my brother-in-law, whose name I just called.”

New Patient: *sheepishly picks up his bags and leaves*

Meet The New Time, Same As The Old Time

| Right | February 4, 2012

Patient: “I’d like an appointment tomorrow with the doctor.”

Me: “How does 11:20 sound?”

Patient: “No! I want something between 11:00 and 11:30!”

Me: “No problem! How bout 11:20?”

Patient: “Great, see you then!”

The Fine Wine Between Pleasure And Pain

| Right | February 3, 2012

Me: “Thank you for calling Pain Management of Hamilton County. This is Pat, are you a new or existing patient?”

Caller: “This isn’t Branchville Winery?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is Pain Management of Hamilton County.”

Caller: “I guess I’m looking for a different kind of pain management…”


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The Devil You Know

| Right | August 19, 2011

(I am getting ready to wash a resident’s open wound. While I am putting on my gloves, the resident sees that I am wearing a ring that marks me as a member of a certain Christian sect. It is a sect that many other Christians do not consider to be Christian, and there is a fair bit of prejudice towards us.)

Resident: “Is there anyone else who could do this?”

Me: “[Coworker] is the only other person on the unit today qualified to do this. Is something wrong?”

Resident: “Your ring. I don’t want to be touched by one of you demons. You’re a sex-crazed cult.”

Me: “I am sorry you feel that way, ma’am. If you’re uncomfortable with me, I can certainly get [coworker].”

Resident: “I’m so glad you’re here. Her lifestyle is just so sex-crazed and evil. It’s frankly un-Christian!”

Coworker: “You do know that she is a virgin who has never smoked or drank in her life and carries a picture of Christ in her wallet, right?”

Resident: *speechless*

Coworker: “Oh, and one more thing. I’m an atheist, I live with a man I’m not married to, and I have three kids.”