(I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. There is a small hospital, as well as a holistic health clinic. The answering machine for the holistic health clinic says:)

Clinic: “You have reached [Clinic]. We are open from [time] to [time]. If it’s an emergency, go to the hospital in [City a little over an hour away]. If you cannot make it to that hospital, go to the hospital in [Smaller City around 40 minutes away]. ONLY IF YOU WILL NOT LIVE to get to that hospital should you go to the local hospital. In that case, good luck… Please leave a message after the beep.”

(The unfortunate thing is they are quite right. While the staff seem nice enough, they have so little practice that they really aren’t any good. I got a small gash in my knee once, and needed stitches. Somehow the remaining scar is now double the size of the original gash. Since then I’ve always made a point to go to a different hospital if I need medical care.)

(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

(My dad rolled his ankle very badly while on his way to work. He has an important meeting, so he tried to ignore it until he got home. By the time he gets home his ankle is deep purple and swollen to the size of a grapefruit. My mom takes him to an urgent care clinic.)

Doctor: “Okay, sir. Let me check your vitals. Wow! Your blood pressure is really high.”

Dad: “Yeah, I haven’t taken my medicine yet tod—”

Doctor: “You really need to take your blood pressure medicine! It’s very important!”

Dad: “Well, I’m not here for that anyway. I’m here about my ankle.”

Doctor: “Well, you should be more concerned about that blood pressure!”

Mom: “He just switched blood pressure medications last week. We were told we wouldn’t see any change for a whi—”

Doctor: “But still! You need to take them every day!”

Dad: “I DO TAKE THEM EVERY DAY! I just got home from work. I take them before bed. Can you PLEASE tell me if my ankle is broken?”

Doctor: “I don’t think it is. Anyway, I think we need to get that blood pressure under control.”

Mom: “Look here. My husband fell on our driveway THIS MORNING. Over 12 hours ago! He has been walking on that ankle ALL DAY LONG. You would have high blood pressure in that situation, too, and no medicine in the world would fix that. Will you please look at my husband’s ankle?!”

Doctor: “Ugh, fine. No need to get b****y!”

Mom: “EXCUSE ME?! I want to see another doctor!”

Doctor: *smugly* “I’m the only one here.”

Mom: “Whatever! A nurse! A PA, anyone who can look at an X-ray and determine if my husband’s ankle is broken!”

Doctor: “I looked at the X-ray. He’ll be fine. Just stay off your feet for a few days. Just a sprain, you big baby!”

(My dad went to see his regular doctor, since he didn’t trust this one’s opinion. Surprise, surprise, he had a hairline fracture.)

(We’re closing up soon. I have no more clients, so I’m helping the receptionists by taking care of some of the work instead of leaving early.)

Me: “I returned, to the cycle, the element of life, and extinguished all the beacons of a false God’s hope.”

Coworker: “… What!?”

Me: “I dumped out the water for you and turned off all the lights.”

Coworker: “Oh. Why can’t you just talk normal!?”

(I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

(The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”