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The Trouble With Trekkies

| Healthy | October 31, 2017

(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

Enough To Give Anyone High Blood Pressure

| Working | June 14, 2014

(My dad rolled his ankle very badly while on his way to work. He has an important meeting, so he tried to ignore it until he got home. By the time he gets home his ankle is deep purple and swollen to the size of a grapefruit. My mom takes him to an urgent care clinic.)

Doctor: “Okay, sir. Let me check your vitals. Wow! Your blood pressure is really high.”

Dad: “Yeah, I haven’t taken my medicine yet tod—”

Doctor: “You really need to take your blood pressure medicine! It’s very important!”

Dad: “Well, I’m not here for that anyway. I’m here about my ankle.”

Doctor: “Well, you should be more concerned about that blood pressure!”

Mom: “He just switched blood pressure medications last week. We were told we wouldn’t see any change for a whi—”

Doctor: “But still! You need to take them every day!”

Dad: “I DO TAKE THEM EVERY DAY! I just got home from work. I take them before bed. Can you PLEASE tell me if my ankle is broken?”

Doctor: “I don’t think it is. Anyway, I think we need to get that blood pressure under control.”

Mom: “Look here. My husband fell on our driveway THIS MORNING. Over 12 hours ago! He has been walking on that ankle ALL DAY LONG. You would have high blood pressure in that situation, too, and no medicine in the world would fix that. Will you please look at my husband’s ankle?!”

Doctor: “Ugh, fine. No need to get b****y!”

Mom: “EXCUSE ME?! I want to see another doctor!”

Doctor: *smugly* “I’m the only one here.”

Mom: “Whatever! A nurse! A PA, anyone who can look at an X-ray and determine if my husband’s ankle is broken!”

Doctor: “I looked at the X-ray. He’ll be fine. Just stay off your feet for a few days. Just a sprain, you big baby!”

(My dad went to see his regular doctor, since he didn’t trust this one’s opinion. Surprise, surprise, he had a hairline fracture.)

Utter The Speech Of Mortals

| Working | March 11, 2014

(We’re closing up soon. I have no more clients, so I’m helping the receptionists by taking care of some of the work instead of leaving early.)

Me: “I returned, to the cycle, the element of life, and extinguished all the beacons of a false God’s hope.”

Coworker: “… What!?”

Me: “I dumped out the water for you and turned off all the lights.”

Coworker: “Oh. Why can’t you just talk normal!?”

Natural Medicine Versus Naturist Medicine

| Right | January 22, 2014

(I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

(The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”

Trying In Vein

| Working | July 20, 2013

(I’ve been sent to a diagnostics clinic to have my blood drawn and some tests run. I’ve never had this done, and I’m a bit nervous as I sit in the chair. I am naturally extremely pale, to the point where my skin is translucent enough to see the veins with ease.)

Phlebotomist #1: “Okay, give me an arm. It doesn’t matter which one.”

(I hold out my left arm.)

Phlebotomist #1: *mumbling to herself* “Alright, I’ll just stick it… here.”

(The phlebotomist pushes the needle through my skin, and goes right through the vein. She pulls the needle back, re-angles it, and shoves it forcefully into my arm, going through the vein a second time. She pulls back a bit and starts digging around in my arm, trying to hit the vein. She RIPS the needle out of my arm so that it tears a diagonal gash about an inch long, which starts bleeding profusely. As she does this, she starts yelling.)

Phlebotomist #1: “S***! I just can’t deal with this patient any more! I am DONE with this girl. Someone else can do it; I’m not touching her again!”

(She storms out of the room as another phlebotomist rushes in.)

Me: *bewildered* “What just happened?”

Phlebotomist #2: “Oh, don’t worry about it! You’re just the last patient of the day, and on a Friday. We’re all anxious for the weekend.”

Me: “I suppose…”

(I hold out my right arm for the second phlebotomist. She hits the vein perfectly the first time, gets the blood quickly, and draws the needle out smoothly, all without leaving a mark.)