Client: “We’re not so different, you know.”

Me: “Oh?”

Client: “I did my business degree with a minor in visual art. I was very well-liked. I had a certain eye for details.”

Me: “That’s neat. Computer graphics are a little different, though.”

Client: “I bet the ladies aren’t as wild. Mind you, that was the 1970s. I tell ya, visual arts girls in the ’70s… Wildebeests don’t come close to that kind of wild.”

Me: “You know I’m a girl.”

Client: “I know, I know. Just reminiscing.”

This is an email forwarded to me from a potential client, describing his vision for a logo, depicting himself as a superhero. It was full of grammatical and spelling errors.

Client: “So, you already know I wanna be a superhero… Maybe somethin’ out of a MARVEL comic… Rays of power flowin’ in and out my muscled body! I should have REALLY THICK EYEBROWS and three razor lines on my left eyebrow (trademark), and also the title GHETTOCELEBRITY.

“Maybe me holding a ball of power over my head… WITH BALTIMORE INSIDE!

“Try one with me in baggy clothes and iced out with jewelry, BUT I’M STILL A SUPERHERO! AND THE CITY OF BALTIMORE BEHIND ME? JUST AN IDEA!

“Here are pics of me to GET THE FACE GOOD FOR THE LOGO!”

Client: “My laptop won’t turn on.”

Me: “It isn’t charged. You have to charge it.”

Client: “I’ve been charging it for three hours.”

Me: “With what? Your charger isn’t plugged into the laptop.”

Client: “I’ve been charging it with my iPhone.”

Client: “How’s that infographic coming along?”

Me: “I have some themes laid out and some fonts and color palettes, but I’ll need whatever information we want to convey so I can make graphics for it.”

Client: “Well, just get started and we’ll get you something when we can.”

Me: “No, you see, I’ve already gotten started and can’t continue any further until you give me information to insert. Then I can make the graphics to go along with it.”

Client: “I think you’re thinking way too much about this.”

Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”

Me: “Great. I’ll put the high-res files on a CD and drop it off at your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”

Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of ‘traditional’ payment, we would like to put you on the Barter System.”

Me: “But you agreed to my costs weeks ago.”

Client: “Wouldn’t you like a new TV, instead? We could get you one. Or maybe one of our other suppliers could fix your guttering or something?”

Me: “I already have a TV; a new one isn’t going to feed my family. I think I’ll take a cheque as agreed.”

Client: “But the Barter System has been around, like, forever. You scratch my back; I scratch yours.”

Me: “Maybe I should try this Barter System. Tell you what. Instead of paying me, you can come around to my house and cook me dinner every night for a month.”

Client: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Client: “So, how much do I make the cheque out for?”