My client was sending me logo ideas for a group that was responsible for building buzz about a wide variety of books to raise sales. The client sent me a photo of cabs driving in Times Square, a photo of some teenagers with backpacks, and a cartoon of three people talking around a water cooler.

Me: “I got the images. Can we discuss how these images relate to your ideas so I can get started on the project?”

Client: “Sure, I just need you to create logos from them. Basically, just convert those three different images into three logo files. What do you call them… EPS files, right?”

Me: “So, you want that image you pulled off the Internet of Times Square to be the logo for your book buzz-building group?”

Client: “Yep!”

Client: “Why would anyone have a hard time using a website? It’s all about clicking buttons. Make buttons big red squares, and maybe add some sound to each one, so when a user points to a button with the mouse, he’ll hear a ‘button voice’ yelling, ‘Click me! Click me!’ Now, this is what I call a user experience!”

Me: “…”

Client: “Listen, boy, I am not supposed to provide these kinds of solutions. I am paying you to do that! Listen… are you r*****ed or something?”

Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”

Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come to pick it up in person?”

Me: “We’re four states apart and it’s a twelve-hour drive…”

Client: “It’s a nice drive, though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you tomorrow!”

Client: “It was my mum’s sixtieth at the weekend, and I filmed two hours of party footage and vox pops of my family sending her best wishes. I want you to turn that into a ten- to fifteen-minute video. I’ll give you £30.”

Me: “That’s nowhere near enough for my time.”

I usually do two or three nightclub promos for £100.

Client: “Yeah, but it’s a present for my mum, so I can’t afford to pay as much.”

Me: “I’ve never met your mum, and I’m not willing to give her £70 worth of my time, especially if you’re only putting up £30 of your own money for it.”

Client: “I’m not asking you to give my mum £70; just do her video. I’m paying £30 of my own money. And I’m thinking of starting a business filming birthdays, so this’ll definitely lead to more work, I promise.”

Client: “The draft looks great. However, since we are marketing this website to college-age students, it is important that the background changes all the time — at least once a week so that they don’t get bored. College students love the Internet, y’know? They expect something new every time they visit a website. It should switch to things like a blackboard, a laptop, a desk… things like that. I should also mention that we have no budget for this. Please find a way to do this for no money.”