I run a home renovation and gardening company. I get a call from a potential client asking about an extensive piece of work.

Me: “Okay, so with the digging, the concrete pour, the decking, the moving of the pipes, my rough quote would be in the region of $5,000.”

Client: “What?! I got the last guy that did it down to $2,000!”

I go to my stock (and time-saving) answer I always go to whenever a client uses this old and tired threat:

Me: “Go with him, then.”

Client: “I can’t! He went out of business.”

Me: “I wonder why…”

He called me a crook and hung up.

He called back three days later when he realized my quote actually came in at the low end.

I’m a freelance graphic designer. I live in a small rural village in England, and while not religious, am friends with a few neighbours who attend the local Catholic church. I’m helping them make some pamphlets for an upcoming religious service, and they’ve sent me the copy text to go into the design.

I spot something and call them back.

Me: “Are you sure this is the final copy?”

Client: “That’s what they told me!”

Me: “It’s just the text to go above the image of the priests. It says ‘let us prey’ – spelled P-R-E-Y.”

Client: “Yes, I see that.”

Me: “I think it should be P-R-A-Y. Prey as a verb is… well… probably not what they intended to go with an image of priests.”

Pause.

Client: “Oh… Oh! Yes… I see it now. Yes, I think I’d best double-check.”

Me: “Yes, I think that would be best.”

I’m an interior designer. I have a new client who has a vision for what they want, but describing it is always an adventure. We’ve moved on to bathroom tiles.

Client: “I need something that goes with this exact shade of mauve. But not purple. Or pink. Or anything cold.”

Me: “So… some warm neutrals and a few soft earth tones that would complement that?”

Client: “No, not beige. Beige is what people pick when they’ve given up.”

Me: “Okay, something warmer than beige but still subtle?”

Client: “It should feel luxurious but also rustic. And modern. But not trendy. I want it to look expensive without looking like I spent money.”

Me: “Right. Understated opulence with no trace of effort.”

Client: “Exactly. Is that so hard?”

Me: “Not at all. That’s my most requested paradox.”

A friend of mine is a music producer, mostly smaller local bands and hobby projects, nothing fancy or big names. He sent a “first mix” to a client (which is kind of a “draft”, not the final product, it’s more a “check it out, what you think” thing).

Client: “The bass is too quiet.”

So he boosts the bass.

Client: “Still too quiet.”

So he cranks it up to eleven, to the point where there simply is no balance anymore.

Client: “Dude, I need BASSSSSSS!”

I happen to be there to listen to it, and it’s horribly muddy and just all low-frequency mush. He’s getting kinda desperate because, you know, customer’s right and all that, but it does sound completely screwed up.

Me: “A stupid question, but what’s he listening on?”

Turns out, his client’s cellphone might not have the most bass-intense speaker…

I’ve been at my design firm long enough now that I have the power to choose my jobs and clients. I have “done my time in the trenches” working for clients who know nothing about design but still insist on their very bad ideas every step of the way. We still have to deal with those clients as a company, but I don’t have to work those jobs anymore.

Most of the time, I accept a job that comes my way, but recently I have turned one down.

Boss: *Coming by.* “Why did you decline to accept [job] from [Client]?”

Manager: “They sent over their proposal, and the entire thing was written in Comic Sans.”

Boss: “…As you were.”