Client: “My website is all blurry; I can’t read any of the text.”

Cue fifteen minutes of debugging questions: “What browser are you using?” “Is it the whole site?” And so on. Finally…

Client: “Oh! Google’s blurry, as well! Wait. where are my glasses?”

Client: “Can you do SEO?”

SEO is Search Engine Optimization.

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Can you get us a number-one ranking?”

Me: “We have in the past. What keyword phrase do you want to rank for?”

Client: “I want to rank number one for ‘Lady Gaga’.”

Me: “‘Lady Gaga’?”

Client: “Yes, she’s quite popular, and I’m sure there are a lot of searches for her.”

Me: “Yes, she is, but you won’t be able to rank number one for that term.”

Client: “Why not? Didn’t you just say you can get us a number-one ranking?”

Me: “Yes, I did, but it has to be related to your business. Lady Gaga has nothing to do with your children’s dance troupe.”

Client: “The children dance to her songs and listen to them, so we want to be number one for ‘Lady Gaga’.”

I was commissioned to design a store backdrop to celebrate the World Cup, so I drew a football player jumping in the air and kicking the ball. 

Client: “It’s perfect! The only thing is that we are scared FIFA might sue us, so lose the player and the ball, and just to be safe, the field, too. Other than that, keep it just the way it is.”

Client: “Because this is the first time that we’ve met, I want to be completely up-front and honest with you. I want to let you know that about five years ago I was in a mental institution, but then I found Jesus and he showed me a vision. That vision was what I want to discuss with you today.”

Me: “Okay… How can I help you?”

Client: “I want you to design some business cards for my company. I fix air conditioners.”

I’m working for a client who has a male project manager and a female marketing director. I’m only half-listening at the moment.

Client: “This looks good. I’d like for you to get together with [Project Manager] and [Marketing Director] for a little ménage à trois before the next phase of the project starts.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Client: “Hmm? Oh, ménage à trois? That’s a French phrase. It means collaboration.”