I am walking a long-standing client through some problems with her email setup. I’ve known this person for a long time and we’ve had a good working relationship. I’ve told her that the whole setup will take no more than ten minutes.

The domain for her email address includes her first name and last initial.

Me: “Okay, [Client]. Click ‘Account Settings’ and select ‘Outgoing Server (SMTP)’. Highlight the server and click ‘Edit’.”

Client: “A small box just popped up.”

Me: “Great. Now, in the server field, I want you to type in ‘mail dot [Client] dot com’ and click ‘Okay’.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “Can you send mail?”

Client: “No, it still says it won’t let me send.”

And we go back to the SMTP settings.

Me: “What do you have written in the server field?”

Client: “[Client] at [Client] dot com.”

Me: “Right, type ‘mail dot [Client] dot com’ in there and click ‘Okay’.”

Client: “Mail dot [Client] at [Client] dot com.”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Mail at [Client] dot com.”

Me: “No, mail dot [Client] dot com.”

Client: “Mail [Client] at [Client] dot mail dot [Client] dot com.”

Me: “You’re messing with me, right?”

Client: “No, I don’t think so.”

After a few minutes of this, it is quickly dropping to Abbott-and-Costello levels.

Client: “Okay, ‘mail dot [Client] dot com’? Are you sure? That doesn’t look like an email address.”

Me: “Just try it.”

Client: “Oh, I can send mail! Thank you!”

Total time: ten minutes and ten seconds.

Client: “My daughter has taken a college English course and she says that every instance of ‘that’ needs to be ‘which’ and the opposite in all instances in the book.”

Me: “Actually, they’re all correct as is, honoring the standard ‘that’ for restrictive and ‘which’ for non-restrictive. For example, it would properly be, ‘The dog that my aunt had, which was a mixed breed, was named [Dog].’ If one were to follow your directive above, it would incorrectly read, ‘The dog which my aunt had, that was a mixed breed, was named [Dog].'”

Client: “She took a college English course.”

Me: “With all due respect, I majored in it, plus I have thirty years of editing experience.”

Client: “I’m sure the rule has changed since you were in college. Maybe you should take a refresher to catch up on current rules.”

I billed for the hours I’d spent and gently ended my association with that (not which) project.

I am a freelance web developer.

Client: “My site is down. What did you do?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t done anything in a while. Can you get to Google dot com?”

Client: “No. Why did you take Google down, too?”

A client is upset that the animated .gifs from his site aren’t animated when printed out. I’ve tried to explain that it simply isn’t possible.

Client: “Why are you lying to me? I know it’s possible! Have you not seen the moving posters and pictures in Harry Potter?!”

I’m trying to schedule an appointment with a client who “absolutely needs to see me ASAP.”

Client: “I don’t know a set time. I may want to go to the gym and stuff. Just keep your phone on, and I’ll call you a half-hour before I want to meet.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I have other commitments and other clients I need to meet with that day. If we could set a time, that would be appreciated.”

Client: “Fine! Why don’t we all just work around your schedule?!”