Client: “Web designer seems like a sweet job.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s great.”

Client: “You probably love it so much that you would do it even if you didn’t get paid!”

Me: “Um…”

Client: “Great! So, I don’t have to pay you?”

Client: “Good God! Is this website going to be made of gold or something?”

Me: “Ahh, no. Is there something wrong with the design?”

Client: “No, it’s the price! We are a charity! You can’t make charities pay for things. You’re supposed to give them to us for free!”

CEO: “Hi, [My Name], we wanted to talk to you in person (over the phone) to resolve the question of payment.”

Me: “Okay.”

CEO: “Let’s forget all of the stuff that has gone on in the past with this project. Let me put [Accountant] on the phone.”

Accountant: “What we’d like to do is offer to pay [amount] for the project. Based on what you billed us, we think [amount] is a fair amount, minus what we’ve already paid you, minus the recruiter fee.”

Me: “So, you’re ‘offering’ to pay me half of what is still owed on the bill for the work you hired me to do.”

Accountant: “Well, based on the total cost we’re willing to pay, minus the recruiter fee…”

Me: “A simple yes or no will suffice. If you owe me [total] and are ‘willing’ to pay [amount], if my math is correct, and I believe it is — I can redo it on my calculator if you’d like — you’re ‘willing’ to pay me half. Even though I rushed the work and everyone was thrilled with it.”

CEO: “Well… yes, I guess, you could say that is half…”

Me: “I do.”

CEO: “Look, I’m sure you just want to put this behind you—”

Me: “Actually, no. I want to be paid in full.”

CEO: “Well, this is all we’re willing to pay.”

Me: “You know you signed a contract, right?”

Accountant: “Well, we’ve had several conversations via email and in person about this—”

Me: “Yes, in each, you tried to weasel your way out of paying me.”

CEO: “I think this is a fair compromise.”

Me: “I think you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”

This conversation occurred after receiving a retainer check that was $1,000 short of the agreed-upon amount and had a post-it note stuck to it informing me that they had decided to pay me in cash.

Client: “We decided to pay you in cash, which means that we can have a 20% to 30% discount on your services.”

Me: “How so?”

Client: “Well, since you won’t report the income, that will save you money. We figure that you’re in a 30% tax bracket, so we can certainly reduce your fee by that amount as you would be making more money.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Client: “Oh, yes, it is.”

Me: “Um, I am not in the practice of giving cash discounts. Plus, you just sent me a check.”

Client: “You mean you won’t do this?”

Me: “No.”

Client: “So, you’re trying to rip me off?”

Me: “You were the one who decided to pay cash and decided that you were getting the discount.”

Client: *Yelling* “Okay, fine! Forget we ever had this conversation!” *Hangs up on me*

Me: “When you click on the button, it takes you to the Paypal donation page that you set up.”

Client: “What do you mean? I don’t want the donate button to do this. I want it to automatically charge their card. These are seniors; they won’t understand this if I don’t. You can’t have them type stuff in.”

Me: “But you wanted to go with Paypal because you couldn’t afford a secured shopping cart website. Either way, at some point, they will have to type in their information.”

Client: “Can’t you just take their credit card information without them knowing? That way they won’t get confused.”