Client: “The computer isn’t working.”

Me: “The light’s off. It just hasn’t been turned on.”

Client: “No, it’s broken. We’re not allowed to use it.”

I hit the power button, and the computer comes on. 

Client: “How could you possibly know that?”

Client: “I need some headshots and some portraits. Are you available to do a shoot?”

Me: “Sure! And since you’re a friend, I’ll charge the flat rate of $150, but then we can go nuts and take some really fun shots.”

Client: “Wait, I thought this would be free. Why would I pay you?”

I work as an illustrator, and I’ve had fairly picky clients before but nothing on this level. The client asked for vector illustrations of microscopic cells for a book cover.

I presented him with an illustration.

Client: “That’s okay, but can you make it more realistic?”

I redrew the vector with more detail.

Client: “More realistic, please.”

More detail yet.

Client: “Hmm… but I need it more realistic?”

At that point, I paid for a stock photo and traced over it, keeping it 90% the same but making sure it still looked like it had been drawn.

Client: “Hmm. I want you to have creative freedom, but this is still not realistic enough. What are you referencing? Are you using the photo? The other artist did this illustration that is almost exactly what I want; I just want it more realistic.”

He then sent me the previous artist’s (gorgeous, in my opinion) illustration, which looked nothing like the reference material he’d already given me. I scheduled a Skype meeting to get on track.

During that meeting, I placed the illustration I’d done right beside the photo I’d used for reference to get a specific sense of what he meant by “more realistic.”

Client: “Oh. Huh. I guess your drawing actually is realistic! Wow, they actually look almost the same! I never actually zoomed in or compared the two pictures. Well, you obviously know what you’re doing. Just keep going and go crazy. Just keep it realistic.”

Me: “…”

Eventually, I found out that he’d worked with THREE other artists before me, all of whom fired him for his nitpickiness.

A potential client wanted me to submit a proposal for a social media strategy for his (nonexistent) website, but he wouldn’t tell me the objectives, how to measure progress, or really much of anything besides a general vision for what he wanted.

I did my best to offer ideas for what to do and how I could help, but he didn’t like any of them.

Client: “Look. I really want to see that you can bring something to the table. I need you to show me you can use your brain. I want creative solutions!”

After a long conversation, I went home with a slightly better idea, wrote up a five-page social media marketing strategy, and emailed him.

Me: “Here’s my strategy, with a variety of ideas for marketing. I hope this is more of what you were looking for. Let me know what works and what doesn’t, and we’ll start moving forward!”

The next day, he emailed me.

Client: “I will talk to you shortly.”

I didn’t hear back for over a week, and then I received this email.

Client: “I don’t like any of these. Come on! Get CREATIVE!”

I think maybe my best “creative solution” is to stop working with this guy.

I work for a T-shirt printing company. A frat dude comes in with a design he wants to put on shirts for his brothers.

I recreate his (bad) design and do as he asks. 

Client: “This looks terrible! Why did you do it this way?”

Me: “Because that’s what you asked me to do?”