Client: “We’re moving to another host; you need to help us!”

Me: “I’d love to, but my wife is in labor right now.”

Client: “Do you understand our website is down?“

Years ago, I was young, naive, and unemployed. While I was browsing the graphic design magazines in a bookstore, an older man approached me.

Client: “I see you look really interested in graphic design. I’m looking to hire a graphic designer.”

Me: “Wow, really? I’m looking for a job right now!”

Client: “Let me get you some information about my company. It’s in my car.”

Me: “Okay!”

He came back quickly and showed me binders and business cards about his cultural institution.

Client: “Here’s what I do. If that sounds interesting, give me your phone number and we can set up a meeting.”

Me: “Yes, I would like that!”

The client called a few days later.

Client: “Let’s meet.”

Me: “Okay. Where should we meet?”

Client: “Let’s meet this Saturday evening at [Nightclub/Dance Club].”

Me: “Umm… that’s a dance club. How am I supposed to bring my portfolio there?”

Client: “Don’t bring your portfolio.”

I’ve been working with a client for a while when I am called into the president’s office.

Client: “We’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

Me: “What? Why? I thought you liked the work I’ve been doing.”

Client: “Oh, your work is terrific. But er, you’ve become known among some higher-ups as a… ‘quirky’ guy.”

He makes air quotes with his fingers.

Me: “Haha, well, there are lots of quirky folks around. It’s a design office.”

Client: “Yeeeahh. Well, some folks aren’t too comfortable with… ‘quirky’ people like you. I think you’d be a lot happier working somewhere else… maybe in another city like San Francisco where there are lots of other ‘quirky’ people like you.”

Me: “Er… can you tell me what you mean by ‘quirky,’ just so I’m clear?”

Client: “Not legally.”

Client: “The site looks terrible. The columns don’t line up, and the text is all over the place. I’m seriously concerned. We had an agreement, and I will not pay your invoice until you resolve these issues.”

Me: “The site looks fine to me in Chrome, IE, Firefox, and Safari. Which browser are you using?”

Client: “I use Internet Explorer on a Mac.”

Me: “That’s a dead browser that can’t support contemporary websites. You should really use Firefox, Safari, or Chrome.”

Client: “Look, it doesn’t work and you need to fix it. Are you going to tell that to everyone else in the world using IE on a Mac?”

Me: “I honestly believe that you may be the last one.”

Me: “Unfortunately, some of the images you sent over can’t be used as they are the wrong file type.”

Client: “Oh, okay. Which files?”

Me: “The animated GIFs.”

Client: “So, why can’t they be used for the brochure?”