A friend of mine is a music producer, mostly smaller local bands and hobby projects, nothing fancy or big names. He sent a “first mix” to a client (which is kind of a “draft”, not the final product, it’s more a “check it out, what you think” thing).

Client: “The bass is too quiet.”

So he boosts the bass.

Client: “Still too quiet.”

So he cranks it up to eleven, to the point where there simply is no balance anymore.

Client: “Dude, I need BASSSSSSS!”

I happen to be there to listen to it, and it’s horribly muddy and just all low-frequency mush. He’s getting kinda desperate because, you know, customer’s right and all that, but it does sound completely screwed up.

Me: “A stupid question, but what’s he listening on?”

Turns out, his client’s cellphone might not have the most bass-intense speaker…

I’ve been at my design firm long enough now that I have the power to choose my jobs and clients. I have “done my time in the trenches” working for clients who know nothing about design but still insist on their very bad ideas every step of the way. We still have to deal with those clients as a company, but I don’t have to work those jobs anymore.

Most of the time, I accept a job that comes my way, but recently I have turned one down.

Boss: *Coming by.* “Why did you decline to accept [job] from [Client]?”

Manager: “They sent over their proposal, and the entire thing was written in Comic Sans.”

Boss: “…As you were.”

Client: “Can you build a website for me?”

Me: “I’m a web designer, so yes. What’s your budget?”

Client: “Fifty.”

Me: “Fifty… thousand?”

Client: “What? No! Fifty dollars!”

Me: “Fifty… dollars?”

Client: “So, can you build my website for me?”

Me: “For fifty dollars, I can describe your website for you.”

I’m a mobile app developer. A startup founder hires me to build what he calls a “simple” app. He has… big dreams.

Client: “Okay, so I want to build the next Uber.”

Me: “Alright. Do you have a business model? Wireframes? Feature list?”

Client: “No, no, that’s your job. I just have the vision.”

Me: “Understood. What core features are you imagining?”

Client: “It needs GPS, real-time tracking, in-app payments, push notifications, user profiles, live chat, driver ratings, and an algorithm that matches riders with drivers instantly. Also, can we add food delivery later?”

Me: “That’s quite a bit. What’s your budget?”

Client: “I’ve got $400 for now, and more will come when we’re up and running.”

Me: “That… might cover the ride to the planning meeting.”

I explain that for $400, I can make a bare-bones prototype using mock data. A few days later:

Client: “This isn’t what I pictured. The map’s not moving!”

Me: “Because this is a demo. You’re not actually in a car.”

Client: “Well, make it move anyway. It should feel real.”

Me: “You want it to simulate driving?”

Client: “Yes. Also, can you make it available on iOS, Android, and maybe PlayStation? Oh, and I want it done in two weeks. I told investors it was launching soon.”

Me: “You told investors you had an app… before hiring a developer?”

Client: “That’s how Steve Jobs did it. That guy had vision!”

I fired him as a client pretty darn quick (or… as soon as the money ran out!)

Related:
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 4
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 3
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 2
It’s Just Not App-ening

I’m a freelance graphic designer. The client is a small business owner who has very strong opinions… and no design sense.

Client: “So I want a logo. Something simple. Clean. Professional. Also, it needs to have a sword, a lightning bolt, a wolf, and a dolphin.”

Me: “Okay… that’s a bit more than ‘simple,’ but we can work with that. Do you have a color scheme in mind?”

Client: “Yes! Black and neon yellow. But not, like, too yellow. More like the idea of yellow. Oh, and the wolf should look trustworthy.”

Me: “…I’ll do my best.”

A few days later, I send mock-ups.

Client: “I don’t like any of these.”

Me: “No problem, what don’t you like?”

Client: “All of it. They just don’t feel… iconic.”

Me: “Can you be more specific?”

Client: “It should be the kind of logo that people remember, like Nike.”

Me: “…So you want a logo as iconic as Nike?”

Client: “Yes. But with a dolphin. And a sword.”

Me: “…Got it.”

Client: “Also, it needs to work as a tattoo. My cousin’s doing it for free.”

Me: “Of course he is.”

After three more rounds of changes…

Client: “Okay, this version is closer. But now I’m thinking the sword should be pointing up, the wolf should be howling, the lightning bolt should be behind the dolphin, and the dolphin should be smiling. But like, a sexy smile.”

Me: “…”

Client: “I think I’m being very clear here.”