Client: “I want to call my company [Company Name].”

Me: “You do realise that name’s almost identical to [Existing Company Name], which is a huge international corporation?”

Client: “Yes. It’s a great idea. People will come to my website, thinking I’m them.”

Me: “Do you also realise that [Existing Company] has a habit of suing people for that sort of thing.”

Client: “Wow! Just think of the publicity I’ll get. A true David and Goliath story. The press will love it! Fantastic. Do it!”

Me: “Sorry, but I really don’t want to be sued by them.”

Client: “You’ll get the publicity, too! Don’t you want free publicity?”

I wear fairly simple (and I like to think professional and sophisticated) clothing to meetings. My client wears nothing but animal prints, strings of giant gold beads, and such, and sells costume jewelry in the same style. I figured out (correctly) that she would want a website based on said pattern.

Client: “I want my business to be like Mary Kay. God, I’m such a cougar. But what the h***, I’m proud of it. Anyway, I want my clients to host parties and to get free stuff for hosting while selling my jewelry to their friends.“

Me: “It’s a common business model, so it could be done. However, I’m a designer, not a business planner, so we should be discussing your design for the website and business cards.”

Client: “That’s my point!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Client: “If you sell jewelry for me, then you would have to make up business cards and e-vites, and then you could just forward them to me and I’ll change it from to your name to my name. Your money would come from stock sales. And in exchange for letting me use the e-vites and cards, I’ll give you some free gold jewelry!“

Related:
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 11
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 10
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 9
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 8
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 7

I’m a videographer and I am on the phone with a client I am doing a shooting campaign for:

Me: “We got some great footage on the shoot yesterday, and I’ve scheduled some more b-roll shooting for tomorrow.”

Client: “That’s great. Listen, we didn’t meet our sales goals for this quarter and we can’t spend anything on marketing, so we’ll have to hold off on starting the video project until next quarter. And, I’m sorry, but we won’t be able to pay you the down payment at this time.”

The down payment is stipulated by the contract they signed a month earlier.

Me: “That’s odd because I received a check from [Client’s Company] two weeks ago, and it cleared the bank just fine.”

Client: “Oh, that’s not good. I thought I put a stop payment on that check last week.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Client: “Is there any chance I could get that money back from you? It would put you in real good favor with my boss. Please send us a cheque as soon as possible.”

I did NOT do that.

I work for a corporate travel office, and I’m explaining travel locations to a client.

Me: “…Alabama, Mississippi, the state of Georgia, Florida—”

Client: “Why is it that you always say ‘the state of Georgia’ but not, like, ‘the state of Alabama’ or anything else?”

Me: “We have international locations, as well, including Tbilisi in the nation of Georgia, so it’s safer to avoid any confusion.”

Client: *Looking concerned* “Oh… I didn’t know about that. The country probably existed before the state, right?”

Me: “I’m not sure… I think they were part of the USSR, though, so the current nation is probably younger.” 

Client: “Oh! That’s good. You see, I’m from Atlanta, and I’d hate to be sued for copyright infringement if we stole their name.”

I’m a self-employed home organizer and get my clients through word of mouth.

I work very hard one day so I can take a week off. I decide to organize this guy’s whole house beyond the day-to-day. I reorganize his closet, and after throwing away trash and doing dishes, I am able to put everything away in the closet neatly. Then, I leave town.

I receive a frantic call while on the road, so I get off the freeway and call my client.

Me: “Hi! What’s up? Do you need me to tell you where I’ve moved something?”

Client: “I… Yes… Where is my stuff? It’s all gone! What happened?!”

He sounds worried. He trusts me and doesn’t want to accuse me, but his stuff has all disappeared.

Me: “Did I forget to tell you I organized the closet? Have you looked in there?”

Client: “I don’t really use the closet, so no. But… where is everything, though?”

Me: “Go look in the closet; I’ll wait on the phone.”

A moment later:

Client: “YOU’RE A WIZARD!”

That had me smiling for a few reasons, including the male-gendered word since I’m a trans man. [Client] rarely sees me in person, so I was happy he remembered.

Over my break, he sent me a few texts saying I was magic.

I had to stop doing this work in part due to a physical disability, and in part due to other time commitments, but I loved how happy it made people.