I am listening to the client’s thoughts on a few finalized TV spots via a conference call. The scripts were approved a month ago, and a member of the client’s staff was on set during the shoot.

Client: “I don’t know. I don’t really want to bring this up…”

Me: “What?”

Client: “Well, there’s just something about two guys standing at a bank counter…”

Me: “What?”

Client: “Gay.”

Me: “Two guys standing at a bank counter seem gay to you?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

He says the following as if it’s a perfectly logical statement.

Client: “Well, you’re from the city, though. We’re from a smaller town. Of course, you don’t see that.”

Client: “I want a simple font for my homepage.”

Me: “Something like Verdana?”

Client: “Oh, no! I hate that Verdana-style! Look, maybe like on this page.”

Me: “The body text?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s Verdana.”

Client: “D***.”

Client: “I have attached the pictures I would like on my website. I am looking for a dark and mysterious look and feel.”

Me: “I just opened your pictures and noticed that they are all of My Little Pony.”

Client: “Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. Those are meant for my daughter’s birthday cake. Attached are the actual images I would like. Sorry.”

Me: “Sorry to bother you again, but these pictures are all from Woodstock.”

Client: “Yes, that’s correct.”

The client was looking for a professional website for their detective business.

Client: “I’ve worked with web designers before. I used to work at a large firm and was in charge of helping with the website there. I will be able to help you a lot. Here are a few images that we’d like to use on the site.”

Me: “These are pretty low quality, but for how big they’ll be on the site, I could make it work. Are these your only copies?”

Client: “Oh, I have some larger files! How would you like me to send them to you?”

Me: “You could zip them into a single archive file, upload that to [fileshare of choice], and send me a link, or you could put them in the [cloud storage] box we’ve been using. Or you could FTP them into the site’s ‘img’ folder for me. Let me know what you decide.”

Client: “You lost me at ‘zip’. Here’s the first image.”

With forty-plus emails arriving (and more with each passing second), each featuring 20MB-plus attachments, I’m typing this story in frustration.

A client assured me the stain she picked out for her deck was what she wanted. Just to be sure, I did a test in a non-viewable area. 

Client: “This looks horrible! This isn’t what I wanted! This is not what I chose; it makes the deck look burnt!”

The name of the stain she chose was “Cinder”.