Client: “Can you put AI on my website?”

Me: “Maybe, what do you want it to do?”

Client: “I don’t know, but I want it. Just put it on there somewhere.”

Client: “I need amendments made to the website.”

Me: “Okay. What changes would you like to do?”

Client: “The size of the header. Can you make it four inches tall and six inches wide?”

Me: “I am sorry, a website measurement should be in pixels. If you are measuring it by inches, it may look different in my monitor screen resolution compared to yours.”

Client: “Can’t you just get a f****** ruler and measure the inches on your monitor? That is what I am doing now! I can do it; why can’t you? And you call yourself a web designer?!”

Client: “Change the image of the guy.”

Me: “Why?”

Client: “He looks depressed. Use a more cheerful and bright image. Balloons, people smiling, etc.”

The preceding was for a funeral services advertisement.

A client hired me to redesign their business cards after they got a new corporate identity. I asked them to email me their logo in AI or EPS format. They sent me a low-resolution JPG with a watermark symbol on it.

I did a mock-up of a card using the low-res logo as a placeholder and let them know that once I received their vector logo, I could just insert it into the design.

Client: “Yeah, you’re just going to have to go ahead and use what we supplied.”

Me: “Are you sure you don’t have an AI or EPS file of the logo kicking around?”

Client: “Our old designer won’t release the vector files until we pay them, so we’re just not going to pay.”

I fired the client.

Two months later, I saw the owner at a networking function. He handed me his card, which was my design. They’d had the cards printed from the proof I originally sent — which included the low-resolution JPG logo with a giant watermark over it.

A client was referred to me to have her hardware product repackaged. Somebody was assembling these things in his garage, and frankly, they didn’t look very professionally made. 

Me: “Okay, I’ll quote 100 hours at [rate] to redo this from the ground up. It’ll be in a more attractive, more durable case, and most importantly, you’ll be able to get it manufactured in bulk quantities instead of the way you’re doing it now.”

Client: “That sounds fine, but I can’t afford your quote.”

Me: “I understand. It’s tough to scale up a small business. So, I’ll tell you what: if you let me build the first 500 units, I’ll build an extra margin into the manufacturing quote to recover my design and engineering expenses. You won’t be out any money upfront, and I’ll recover my fee as your customers pay you.”

Client: “Okay, sounds great!”

Six months or so later, I’ve built about 100 units and momentum is building. I’m hopeful that [Client] might be able to sell the additional 400 I need to break even within the next six months.

Client: “We’ve looked at the numbers, and we’ve decided that your price is too high for these. We can get them made by [Designer] for [just about exactly my fee margin less].”

Me: “Yes, our agreement was that they would be more expensive so that I could recover my design fee.”

Client: “Yeah, but we can get them made cheaper since you did the redesign. So that’s what we’re going to do.”