(I am creating a business card for a customer. She hands me a picture to scan to use on the card.)

Me: “Ma’am, this photo is copyrighted by whoever took it.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. You can still use it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t use it without the permission of the photographer.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, you can just cross out the copyright on the back of the picture and then use it! It’ll be okay.”

Me: “Do you have another picture you would like to use?”

(She hands me the same picture but with a piece of paper taped over the copyright on the back.)

Customer: “Here. Now you can use it.”

Me: “Ma’am, just because the copyright is covered now doesn’t mean it’s not copyrighted anymore. We could be fined $50,000 if we used this. If you can get the permission of the person who took this or another picture we can do this for you.”

Customer: “What kind of business is this?”

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Caller: “Can you add a button to that page?”

Me: “Sure, but you need to be more specific. What do you want it to do?”

Caller: “Can it make the user press ‘File’, ‘Print’?”

Me: “Not exactly. I can get it to the print dialog though.”

Caller: “But it can’t press ‘File’ and then ‘Print’?”

Me: “Are you asking for a button that prints the page?”

Caller: “No! I want the button to press the file menu button, then select print for them.”

Me: “This is a website. You want me to control a user’s mouse?”

Caller: “Is that really so hard to do?”

Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”

Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”

Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”

Customer: “So you can’t do color?”

Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”

Customer: “Aww. Well, I really wanted it in color, but, oh, well… I guess…”

(She then proceeded to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)

(I’m part of a small animation company. One project, in particular, is assigned to me alone, forcing me to deal with two customers. This is a specification nightmare waiting to happen, but I still accept it. This happens at a meeting relatively far along, with work close to being finished.)

Me: “So, that’s the current state. I still have to add in details, but that’s not an issue within the deadline.”

Customer #1: “Looks great to me already. Looking forward to the final product… Just one gripe.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer #1: “The animation runs too slowly.”

(I’m confused, as I made it pretty fast already. [Customer #2] pipes up.)

Customer #2: “What? No! It is way too fast!”

(I try to interrupt the beginning squabble, but am not successful. The two customers squabble for a full fifteen minutes whether it is too slow or too fast.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #1 & #2: *still squabbling*

Me: “Excuse me! I’ve got another meeting in fifteen, so may I make a suggestion?”

Customer 1 & 2: *simultaneously* “Yes?”

Me: “How about we compromise and leave the speed as it is?”

(The looks the two of them exchanged were golden, as if that thought had never crossed their mind. It’s one of those rare cases I got it my way…)

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