(A client comes up to my desk to apply for an advertised job vacancy. He seems suitably qualified, so I phone the employer to arrange an interview.)

Me: “Hi, I have a Mr. [client name] with me. He’d—”

Employer: “No.” *hangs up*

Me: *to client* “Right… Looks like he doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Client: “Wait, what was the guy’s name again?”

Me: “It is [employer’s name].”

Client: “Aw s***, sorry mate. If I’d known it was him, I wouldn’t even have bothered. I shot his son in the leg a couple of years back. It was an accident, but for some reason he’s had a grudge against me ever since.”

(I work in a jewelry store that makes its own jewelry. Because of this, we can do custom jobs and jewelry repair. We get some crazy requests, things from witchcraft to erotic.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! I’d like to get a custom piece made. I have the design and everything!”

Me: “Alright. Can I see it?”

(The customer hands me a large wingnut. The kind you buy in the hardware store for a quarter.)

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I need about a dozen of these made, in silver!”

Me: “You realize this isn’t very practical, and will be expensive, right?”

Customer: “Oh, no! It’s a wonderful idea! That’s why I’m giving it to you! You can produce them, and you’ll make enough within a couple of months!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t think that’s true.”

Customer: “But I’m giving you the idea, and you can just pay me back by giving me a dozen of them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll have to charge you about $100 to produce each one of these. I’m not giving you $1200 for this idea. I know it will not sell. If you want me to make them, I need to be paid, in cash, in full.”

Customer: “It’s a great idea! You’ll be sorry you passed it up!”

(I’ve been hired by a film studio that wants to start making animated shorts. No one working there has any idea how animation works, so I have to be very patient.)

Me: “Alright, so here’s what the animation looks like right now; we’ll be adding color next week.”

(I play a black-and-white animation of the main character running down a hallway, away from the camera.)

Manager: “Hmm, I don’t know. I can’t really recognize the character like this. Can you turn him around?”

Me: “Turn him… around?”

(Note: The character has been running away from camera since the storyboard phase. This is the first I’ve heard of this problem, and I’ve already finished most of the actual animating.)

Manager: “Yeah, because we can’t see his face. Just turn him around.”

Me: “You want him to run towards the camera?”

Manager: “No! I want to see his face. Just turn the drawing around so we can see his face while he runs.”

Me: “This is 2D animation; if you want to see his face, I’ll have to re-draw—”

Manager: “You’re not listening to me. Just take the drawing and turn it around so we can see his face. You don’t have to redraw it! You just have to turn him around! What is so hard about that?! Just get it done, already. Jesus! You animators are too picky.”

(I work as a graphic artist for a large company. The vast majority of my job is fulfilling requests for screen graphics, print items, web ads, and whatnot.)

Me: “You’ve made a personal request through the system. I’m sorry, but we only handle [company]-related items. We can’t take requests for non-work related stuff.”

Co-worker: “But you’ve done stuff like this in the past.”

Me: “If my boss approves it, and we’re not busy, we do, but lately the hammer has come down and we can’t make anything for anybody that isn’t work-related. We used to do this more often, but then it got abused, so we had to stop completely. Also, you used the work request submission form, so my boss has seen the email too, and will not be okay with the personal request coming through that way.”

Co-worker: “Well, that’s just great. What am I supposed to do now?”

Me: “Pay a graphic artist privately for the thing you need?”

Co-worker: “Why would I do that?!”

(I’m a newspaper reporter and am interviewing a new store owner about their business.)

Me: “What lines or quality of clothing do you sell?”

Owner: “We buy seconds from [high end chain] and sell them to women seeking high quality for less money…”

(A few hours after story is published, my boss speaks to me.)

My Boss:  “The owner of the new store came in to complain that you printed that he was selling [high end store] seconds.”

Me: “Yes, that is what he told me. I did not think it was anything bad or damaging.”

My Boss: “Well, don’t worry about it…”

(48 hours later, my boss speaks to me again.)

My Boss: “Our ad sales guy talked to that store owner. The owner told him that within a couple of hours after the story came out, his store was swamped with women wanting to buy the [high end store] seconds. They sold out of merchandise in 12 hours.”

Me: “I don’t suppose the owner will call and apologize for prematurely b****ing?”

My Boss: “Probably not!”