(I’m a newspaper reporter and am interviewing a new store owner about their business.)

Me: “What lines or quality of clothing do you sell?”

Owner: “We buy seconds from [high end chain] and sell them to women seeking high quality for less money…”

(A few hours after story is published, my boss speaks to me.)

My Boss:  “The owner of the new store came in to complain that you printed that he was selling [high end store] seconds.”

Me: “Yes, that is what he told me. I did not think it was anything bad or damaging.”

My Boss: “Well, don’t worry about it…”

(48 hours later, my boss speaks to me again.)

My Boss: “Our ad sales guy talked to that store owner. The owner told him that within a couple of hours after the story came out, his store was swamped with women wanting to buy the [high end store] seconds. They sold out of merchandise in 12 hours.”

Me: “I don’t suppose the owner will call and apologize for prematurely b****ing?”

My Boss: “Probably not!”

Client: “Can you make these messages go away?”

Me: “Which messages are those, sir?”

Client: “The ones I get when I run backups.”

Me: “Ah. What do they say?”

(He reads out the error messages.)

Me: “Uh, sir, how long have you been getting these errors for?”

Client: “Since your software was installed last year. Why?”

Me: “And did you report this earlier, sir?”

Client: “No, but they’re really starting to bug me. How do I make them go away?”

Me: “Sir, you do realise that ‘Backup Failed [error code], contact [supplier]‘ means you have no backups of your entire financial system?”

Client: “What the h*** does that matter? I’m sick of having to hit ENTER all the time! Just tell me how to get rid of these stupid messages!”

(One of my tech staff gets off the phone with a loud client. He is visibly frustrated.)

Me: “Next time he calls, put him through to me.”

Tech Staff: “Okay!”

(Minutes later, the call is escalated to me.)

Caller: “This is unacceptable! I demand you fix my issue!”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, you are using an unsupported email client. When you called us to set it up, we explained to you what would happen if you used this client. It appears that you did it anyway. We cannot fix it for you.”

Caller: “That’s unacceptable! We pay you good money to host this for us! I expect you to resolve this for me!”

Me: “Okay, sir. You are a financial advisor to your clients, right?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “So, imagine a customer came to you, and told you they wanted to move all of their investments into magic beans. What would you tell them?”

Caller: “Well, that’s just stupid. I—”

Me: “EXACTLY! So, imagine they did it anyway, and came back to you a few weeks later complaining that they’d lost all of their money. Would you accept liability?”

Caller: “No, but—”

Me: “Well, that’s where I am right now.”

(We never heard from the caller again.)

Supplier: “We haven’t gotten paid for [Customer]’s time.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me who the customer’s company is, so I can connect you with the analyst who handles that account?”

Supplier: “[Supplier Name].”

Me: “No, that’s you. Where was the work being done?”

Supplier: “[My Company Name].”

Me: “Okay… that’s us. Where did [Customer] perform his job?”

Supplier: “[Supplier Name].”

Me: “There are three parties in this relationship. There’s our company, and your company, and…?”

Supplier: “[My Company Name]?”

Me: “Okay. [Customer] gets out of bed in the morning. He brushes his teeth, takes a shower, gets dressed, drinks a glass of orange juice, gets into his car, and drives to a work site. Where. Does. He. Go?”

Supplier: “Oh! [Customer’s Company]!”

(The office where I work is fairly small, which results in me overhearing the receptionists’ half of the phone conversations with some of our clients.)

Coworker: “[Office’s name], how can I help you?”

(The client talks, coworker answers the usual questions.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I understand that but we can’t open your mail to check it for you.”

(The client continues talking.)

Coworker: “Yes, but as I said earlier, we can’t open your mail to check. It’s best that you get a P.O. box.”

(The client is talking again and is apparently upset, as the coworker has a frustrated/annoyed look on her face.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, you’ve called us many times in the past before, and we’ve said it many times before. We really recommend you to get a P.O. box, because we legally can not open your mail to check.”

(Eventually, the client hangs up.)

Me: “Not the first time?”

Coworker: “Won’t be the last.”