I’m a web developer and software designer. I get a client who sounds very excitable over the phone.

Client: “So, I’m gonna need your help for this. Imagine this! CatCoin!”

Me: “Uh… what is that?”

Client: “It’s a crypto! CatCoin!”

Me: “And you wanted me to design the website for it?”

Client: “No, you need to develop the coin. I can’t pay you up front, but when people start buying it, I can split the costs with you.”

Me: “You want me to… make a cryptocurrency?”

Client: “That’s one of the things you do, right?”

Me: “Not even close. What would you be doing in this… enterprise?”

Client: “I came up with the name! The concept!”

Me: “CatCoin?”

Client: “Yeah!”

Me: “So you’re doing nothing?”

Client: “H*** no! I came up with the idea! I… y’know, will sell it on the blockchain!”

Me: “If you can tell me right now what the blockchain is, I will humor you for a few more minutes.”

Client: “It’s… the chain of… things that cryptos run on.”

Me: “But what is it?”

Client: “It’s… it’s… It’s crypto!”

Me: “Well, this has been fun. Good luck, but I’m not the guy for you.” *Click.*

F****** crypto-bros.

I worked for a point-of-sale company. One weekend, when I was on call and drinking at the bar across the street, I got a call from a manager from a chain full of not bright people, and to compound that, most of them weren’t even remotely nice, insulting us tech guys every call like they forgot they were twice my age managing a Denny’s knock-off.

So, the guy called and said:

Caller: “A screen on one of my POS terminals isn’t very responsive.”

Me: “Is it dirty?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, let’s calibrate it.”

These people were using Windows XP in 2017; that should tell you the condition of the equipment. I walk him through how to calibrate it. Nope, still barely responsive.

Caller: “I’m pressing it, but there’s stuff caked all over the screen.”

Contrary to it not being dirty earlier. POS screens are nasty, considering the environment they’re in.

Me: “Wipe it down with a damp towel.”

Caller: “Won’t it damage it?”

Me: “Nah, Posiflex terminals have water-resistant screens. At the trade shows, they’ll sometimes have water dripping on the screen to demonstrate that. Screen cleaner would be best, but a damp towel will work.”

Caller: “Okay.”

He hangs up. Twenty minutes later, I get another call, him yelling and swearing about how it’s not working at all, not turning on.

I head over to my apartment and hop on TeamViewer. I can’t see it on the network, and I start the whole tracing the power cable routine.

Caller: “I put it through the dishwasher, and it just stopped working!”

I said verbatim:

Me: “You ran a computer through a f****** dishwasher?”

When I relayed this to my boss the next Monday, he didn’t even care because it was so stupid. Swearing at customers isn’t professional or okay, but this one was kind of explainable.

Caller: “You said it was water resistant!”

Me: “I said wipe the screen down! Water resistant is NOT the same as waterproof, dude. I mean…”

Caller: “Well, I need a new terminal now, so send someone. We are packed and can’t go without it.”

A quick check of his sales report and table seating chart determined that it was a lie; they were dead and had been all day.

I told him even if I left right then, going to the office, imaging a new terminal and driving the two hours to get to the site would put me there well after they close, and the other three terminals they had should work just fine, especially when the time clock showed just two servers on.

Caller: “Well, it’s under warranty, right?”

Me: “No, if it has Windows XP its well out of warranty at this point, plus your corporate office has to okay all equipment purchases.”

I told him this, rather than cause further chaos by telling him that doing something that freaking stupid voids warranties. After a few moments of awkward silence…

Caller: “You better stay out of xyzville!” *A smaller town that I would never ever go to on my own free will anyway.*

He hung up, and I went back to the bar and kept drinking.

I work in visual effects. We were working on a music video when the video’s director came into the studio to see the progress and give feedback. I’m working on a shot filled with purple smoke, and he comes over to my desk and starts giving me notes:

Director: “This shot is looking too purple. Make it less purple.”

Me: “Okay, I can take down its saturation.”

Director: “No, I still want it to have a lot of color.”

Me: “What color would you like instead?”

Director: “Like blue and red, mixed together.”

It sounds stupid (and it is!), but after years of learning to speak ‘client’, I learned that they probably wanted something closer to magenta or violet, rather than whatever shade of purple it was. I added a filter to make the smoke appear in either of those two colors, and the client loved it.

Related:
Color Me Confused

A few years ago, there was a terrible fire in a high-rise in London that killed close to eighty people. I was brought in as a management consultant to help coordinate various public sector agencies to deal with the families of the deceased and people who had been made homeless, lost their possessions, etc., in an expedited manner.

When the time came to pay the bill, the public body that hired me was late. It happens, but as a small business owner, I can’t afford for clients to be late. I tried to engage with the public body to get payment, but was stonewalled. So, I applied the legally required late penalty charges.

A senior manager at this body went BALLISTIC. Refused to pay, called me every name under the sun. I stood my ground until the manager said, “I’ve told everyone [e.g., other potential clients] how horrible you are to use a national tragedy to try and extort money from us”.

I didn’t want my reputation to suffer, but I wasn’t going to back down. I told her it was (a) the law, (b) in the contract she signed, and (c) I had tried to get payment several times to avoid these charges. So I immediately made a freedom of information request for a copy of all those communications. This manager then backs down and claims she never said anything to anyone and paid the bill (with penalties).

But did say she would not be using our services again.

I told her that I wouldn’t want to work with someone who, in fact, DID use a national tragedy to try and get out of paying her bills, but if she changed her behaviour and improved her financial systems, I might consider telling peers in my industry not to run a mile if she calls them.

I’m a personal chef, and on the side, I make cheese/charcuterie/crudité boards. A former client asked me to make a fruit board for after dinner at a small event she was having. I double checked to make sure she wanted JUST fruit, as that’s not on my menu, but other styles I have do contain fruit.

She confirmed, just fruit.

I didn’t want this to look like some resort breakfast buffet fruit platter, so I wound up going to six different stores, sourcing the best I could find from each. In the end, there were mangosteen, pineapple, clementines, red and white strawberries, issai kiwi, mango, figs, blueberries, dried orange segments, and some garnish flowers. I was happy with how it turned out, especially with finding perfectly ripe fruit in each variety.

I packaged it up and immediately drove it the half hour to her house, unscathed. I delivered it to the housekeeper and said it needed to be refrigerated.

About three hours later, I got an email from the client asking what happened. It looked like it had been sitting out for a day; the fruit looked old. She’s confused because my other work was so good, but she doesn’t think she can serve this to guests.

Attached was a picture of a turkey fig looking like a perfectly ripe turkey fig and a pineapple spear looking like a perfectly ripe pineapple spear.

She asked me to call, but by the time I saw the email, her event had started. I texted her explaining that I’d bought all of the fruit the day before, so it’s very fresh and perfectly ripe. If the housekeeper did, in fact, refrigerate it, all of it was only unrefrigerated for maybe 2 hours between my beginning to cut the fruit and delivering it to her door.

No response.

Followed up with an email this morning.

No response.

I’m hoping she tucked tail, realized I know what I’m talking about, and served it, but I suspect this means all that gorgeous fruit went in the trash and she’s ghosted. Thankfully, I take payment up front for this work, but the waste pisses me off after I spent half a day sourcing.