Client: “Here’s that $3,000 we owed you.”

Me: “Thanks! But where’s the rest?”

Client: “Well, we were talking about it, and we think the quoted price in the contract is a bit more than we’re willing to pay.”

Me: “But…”

Client: “We’re paying you in cash off the books. That means no taxes! Don’t you hate it when you work hard for money and the government keeps it from you? We’re doing you a favour!”

After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”

Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”

Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”

Me: “It’s pay per click.”

Client: “As in…”

Me: “We get paid per click.”

Client: “I’m not getting it.”

Me: “I’ve attached four different options for the cover page. Please let me know which one you prefer so I can purchase the relevant stock image. I’ve provided the cost of each image below for your convenience. Thanks.”

One week later:

Client: “Yes… I like the images.”

Me: “If you want a custom Christmas e-mail template, it’ll take at least two billable hours.”

Client: “We don’t want to pay extra. Can’t you just add a snowy background?”

Me: “It’s a bit more complicated than that. I’m sorry, but I do have to charge by the hour.”

Client: “No. Why don’t you spend a couple of hours figuring out how we can do this for free.”

Me: “You want me to sit here for a “couple hours” to figure out a way you can get me to work for a couple of hours for free?”

I sent the project manager a spreadsheet filled with edits and tracked defects.

Client: “Oh, look at all the nice red and greens. Such nice Christmas colors, very festive of you!”

Me: “Thanks, ’tis the season. But the red means there’s a problem, and the green are values that need to be filled in.”