Client: “I cannot access the Internet.”

Me: “Okay, I can help with that. What have you tried so far?”

Client: “I clicked on Internet Explorer and all I see is this MSN crap!”

Me: “That is the Internet.”

Client: “No, this is not! I want the Internet.”

I was so stumped for a while, but then inspiration struck.

Me: “Look at the top of your screen. Do you see where ‘MSN dot com’ is? Great! Click there and delete that text. Now, type ‘Google dot com’ and press enter.”

Client: “Great, thanks so much for your help!”

I’ve spent weeks trying to get a client to return my calls/emails in order to book a project review meeting.

Me: “Okay. Let’s nail down the review meeting for Friday [two days later]. What time is good for you?”

Client: “Don’t kid me. You’re not that busy. All you guys do is sit around and doodle s***, and I have stuff to do on Friday. We’ll do it today.”

Me: “Okay. You can come by if you want, but I’ll be at another client’s office. The bench outside my office can double as a bed and the coffee shop next door has Wi-Fi. See you Friday.”

I didn’t hear from him again.

I’m on the phone with an acquaintance of my boss. They want to host a server with all of the music they’ve copied from CDs, pirated, or downloaded from iTunes.

Me: “Legally, I need to sway you from starting a website that charges people to download all of the music you’ve copied off of your CDs.“

Client: “What? Why? There are all kinds of places you can get music for free. iTunes charges. I’m like iTunes!”

Me: “No, iTunes has paid for licensing to distribute the music and make a profit off it.“

Client: “Whatever, I’ll just get one of those… Now, on to the design. I want it to look exactly like iTunes so people think they are using them. Can we even get a web address that’s similar? Something like uTunes or iMusic.”

Me: “You know Steve Jobs enjoys suing people, right?“

Client: “Who?”

Client: “We’re moving to another host; you need to help us!”

Me: “I’d love to, but my wife is in labor right now.”

Client: “Do you understand our website is down?“

Years ago, I was young, naive, and unemployed. While I was browsing the graphic design magazines in a bookstore, an older man approached me.

Client: “I see you look really interested in graphic design. I’m looking to hire a graphic designer.”

Me: “Wow, really? I’m looking for a job right now!”

Client: “Let me get you some information about my company. It’s in my car.”

Me: “Okay!”

He came back quickly and showed me binders and business cards about his cultural institution.

Client: “Here’s what I do. If that sounds interesting, give me your phone number and we can set up a meeting.”

Me: “Yes, I would like that!”

The client called a few days later.

Client: “Let’s meet.”

Me: “Okay. Where should we meet?”

Client: “Let’s meet this Saturday evening at [Nightclub/Dance Club].”

Me: “Umm… that’s a dance club. How am I supposed to bring my portfolio there?”

Client: “Don’t bring your portfolio.”