I was in charge of the signage for a marathon. One of the sponsors was concerned about how their logo appeared next to other sponsors.

Client: “Is there any way for our logo to be better represented?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re looking for in terms of signage. Can you be more specific?”

Client: “Just make it so the other logo underneath ours is a little more ‘logo-y’.”

Me: “You want us to change another company’s logo?”

Client: “Don’t change it! Just make it look better next to ours.”

Me: “How?”

Client: “By making it more ‘logo-y’.”

Client: “Great, I like the website design you made, but can you make it nicer?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Client: “I mean, with nicer colors or shapes.”

Me: “Define ‘nicer’ for me.”

Client: “Something like what you did, but a bit more nice.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t quite make sense.”

Client: “I know, it should be, ‘…like what you did, but nicer,’ but you asked for me to make things clearer.”

I’m on the phone with a client.

Me: “If you could send me some digital photographs of the property, that would be great.”

Client: “Okay, I’ll send them tomorrow first class!”

Me: “First class?”

Client: “Yeah, I’ll put them on a memory stick tonight and put it in the post first thing tomorrow.”

I was talking with someone who wanted me to illustrate their webcomic.

Me: “It sounds like an interesting project. What was your budget for art?”

Client: “Budget? I’m not paying you at first, but once we get going and money starts coming, I’ll make sure you get paid.”

Me: “I can’t work for free. I’m currently working on some art commissions for other people, and since they are paying me, they take top priority. Have you considered raising some funds or doing a Kickstarter?”

Client: “You’re really asking me for money? I’ll have you know that as a freelance writer, I’ve gone by months without any pay, so why should you get paid if I don’t get paid?”

Me: “Well, you’re clearly doing freelance wrong if you’re not getting paid.”

Client: *Blocks me*

Client: “Make the words right there bold.”

Me: “They’re already bold. If you want them to stand out more, we could—”

Client: “No, shut up. Just make it bolderer.”