I’m a mobile app developer. A startup founder hires me to build what he calls a “simple” app. He has… big dreams.

Client: “Okay, so I want to build the next Uber.”

Me: “Alright. Do you have a business model? Wireframes? Feature list?”

Client: “No, no, that’s your job. I just have the vision.”

Me: “Understood. What core features are you imagining?”

Client: “It needs GPS, real-time tracking, in-app payments, push notifications, user profiles, live chat, driver ratings, and an algorithm that matches riders with drivers instantly. Also, can we add food delivery later?”

Me: “That’s quite a bit. What’s your budget?”

Client: “I’ve got $400 for now, and more will come when we’re up and running.”

Me: “That… might cover the ride to the planning meeting.”

I explain that for $400, I can make a bare-bones prototype using mock data. A few days later:

Client: “This isn’t what I pictured. The map’s not moving!”

Me: “Because this is a demo. You’re not actually in a car.”

Client: “Well, make it move anyway. It should feel real.”

Me: “You want it to simulate driving?”

Client: “Yes. Also, can you make it available on iOS, Android, and maybe PlayStation? Oh, and I want it done in two weeks. I told investors it was launching soon.”

Me: “You told investors you had an app… before hiring a developer?”

Client: “That’s how Steve Jobs did it. That guy had vision!”

I fired him as a client pretty darn quick (or… as soon as the money ran out!)

Related:
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 4
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 3
It’s Just Not App-ening, Part 2
It’s Just Not App-ening

I’m a freelance graphic designer. The client is a small business owner who has very strong opinions… and no design sense.

Client: “So I want a logo. Something simple. Clean. Professional. Also, it needs to have a sword, a lightning bolt, a wolf, and a dolphin.”

Me: “Okay… that’s a bit more than ‘simple,’ but we can work with that. Do you have a color scheme in mind?”

Client: “Yes! Black and neon yellow. But not, like, too yellow. More like the idea of yellow. Oh, and the wolf should look trustworthy.”

Me: “…I’ll do my best.”

A few days later, I send mock-ups.

Client: “I don’t like any of these.”

Me: “No problem, what don’t you like?”

Client: “All of it. They just don’t feel… iconic.”

Me: “Can you be more specific?”

Client: “It should be the kind of logo that people remember, like Nike.”

Me: “…So you want a logo as iconic as Nike?”

Client: “Yes. But with a dolphin. And a sword.”

Me: “…Got it.”

Client: “Also, it needs to work as a tattoo. My cousin’s doing it for free.”

Me: “Of course he is.”

After three more rounds of changes…

Client: “Okay, this version is closer. But now I’m thinking the sword should be pointing up, the wolf should be howling, the lightning bolt should be behind the dolphin, and the dolphin should be smiling. But like, a sexy smile.”

Me: “…”

Client: “I think I’m being very clear here.”

I’m a freelance web designer. I’m just starting out and trying to build a client base, so I am taking on new clients even if they initially have a few red flags.

This new client has hired me to build a sleek, modern website for their artisanal soap company. They’ve sent me… a single blurry photo of a bar of soap on a napkin and a three-sentence business plan.

Client: “I want the website to go viral. Like, instantly.”

Me: “…Well, a good website doesn’t get that on its own. That involves a marketing strat—”

Client: “—What about SEO? I heard that’s a button we can add.”

Me: “It’s more of a strategy. Not really a button.”

Client: “Okay, well, I saw a website once that played music when it opened. Can we do that?”

Me: “Technically, yes. Should we? No.”

Client: “I also want it to look like Apple’s site. But with more glitter. And make the soap spin.”

Me: “…Spin?”

Client: “Yes! Like a 3D spin. When you hover over it. With glitter trails. Like a sparkle comet.”

Me: “Got it. Out of curiosity, what’s your budget?”

Client: “A hundred dollars… but I can pay the rest in soap!”

I work in a small PR Agency that handles international clients. We have an office manager, but booking travel is handled by the teams themselves. I am very junior and have been tasked to book a flight to the US for my boss on relatively short notice, about ten days in advance.

Client: “Please book a flight for your boss to DC for our meeting.”

Me: “Are you sure you want me to do it? If we book it, you’ll have to pay our service as per the contract, but if you book it yourself, it’ll be cheaper. I give you all my boss’s data, no problem.”

Client: “You book it.”

Me: “No problem.”

I book the flight, my boss flies to DC, and attends the meeting.

At the end of the month, we send our invoice, and we get a call:

Client: “Why do I have to pay several hundred Euros on top of an already very expensive flight?!”

Me: “That’s the reason I suggested you book the flight for my boss.”

Client: “Is there anything you can do about it?”

Me: “I’ll check with the owner, but I have my doubts. Let me get back to you.”

The owner didn’t waive the fee, and the client asked in a civilized manner, so no harm done, but read your contracts and don’t outsource services that you can easily do yourself!

I had just graduated from college, and I was looking for my first freelance job. Someone from my school was kind enough to introduce me to a local business owner.

Client: “I need this done yesterday. I need a new logo and a business card, and I need them quick! I’m only gonna pay you $100 since you’re fresh out of school and I was told you’d get me a deal.”

I was annoyed, but I needed money. I agreed.

Client: “95% of my company produces gas tanks for bigrig trucks, and 5% of it is me selling vintage guitars. So, I want my logo to be a guitar. And for my business card, I’m going to give you my work number, but I don’t ever answer it. Instead, I’m going to give you my cell phone number, but I want it to be secretly hidden in the card so only special people will know what it really is.”

Terrible ideas, sure, but he wasn’t paying me enough to fight him. I banged out a guitar logo and sent him a screenshot to see if he liked it (without giving him a copy he could steal).

Two weeks later, I got a voicemail.

Client: “Hey, this is the guy you’re building the logo for. I received our email, and the logo is looking really good. But you didn’t give me your email, so I can’t get back to you. I’m not really sure how this whole ‘paying you’ thing is going to work out.”

He didn’t understand the concept of responding back to an email.

I erased the files and blocked his number. I don’t care how new I was in the field. It wasn’t worth it.