A few weeks ago, we were sent a product to film and highlight its key selling points, which we did.

Client: “I have reviewed the images and video you did for me. You got the product wrong! It’s not even the right color! It should be white.”

Me: “The version you sent us was black. Was that the wrong version?”

Client: “Yes, that was a prototype. Change it. Also, the control panel has moved. Try to incorporate that.”

Me: “Okay. Can you send us the correct product?”

Client: “No, this is your problem. You got it wrong; you fix it.”

I was writing a money-back webpage for a major “eco-friendly” household cleaner brand. The client was explaining their refund process.

Client: “If a consumer wants their money back, they have to visit our site where they’ll download a printable refund form. We’ll give them an address where they can send their completed form, along with the original receipt.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier to have them submit the form online?”

Client: “Well, honestly, we don’t want to make the refund process easier. That would result in more refunds.”

Me: “Right. But we are a ‘green’ brand, right? Seems odd that an eco-responsible company is asking consumers to print out a paper form and then send it through snail mail.”

Client: “Well, we’ve done this before and nobody complained, so it should be fine.”

Client: “I’d like a Christmas catalog video made.”

Me: “Okay, how many products, and do they need to be shown with actors in a lifestyle setting?”

Client: “About ninety products and in a lifestyle setting, but the video needs to be less than ninety seconds.”

Me: “Okay, but that would be less than one second per product and wouldn’t give enough time to show them.”

Client: “Can’t you do it in slow motion?”

I’m a graphic artist, and several of my clients are politicians. Here are some of the requests they’ve made.

Client #1: “Make me thinner.”

Client #2: “Give me more hair.”

Client #3: “Remove the bags under my eyes.”

Client #4: “Use this photo of my face, but put me in the suit from this magazine — you know, like paper dolls.”

Client #5: “I love this old photo of me, but my ex-wife is in it. Take her out and put in my current wife.”

Client #6: “Here’s a photo of me debating my opponent. Make me look taller than him. Also, could you make it look like he’s sweating?”

Client #7: “It’s important that everyone sees how family-oriented I am. Make my wife stand out more. Now make my kids stand out more. Now make me stand out more, because now you can’t tell I’m the focal point.”

The best, though, is that this has been an exchange I’ve had with every politician client.

Client #8: “Above all, this has to be unique!”

Me: “Understood.”

Client #8: “Great. Now use the American flag as a background, and make the text red and blue.”

Me: “Okay, my estimate for what you’re looking for is $120.”

Client: “That seems high.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but those are my rates.”

Client: “Is this one of those ‘floating price’ things? I think that’s just a dramatic way of asking for more money.”

I changed the client’s name in my contacts to “Cheap Know-It-All”.