Client: “So you got everything you need? Take all the time you want. We really believe we understand the mind of the creative individual. We know it takes time to create a powerful ad.”
Me: “Yeah. It does. Thanks.”
Client: “But it’s urgent. Just imagine that it should have been done as of yesterday.”
Me: “But no deadline?”
Client: “Right. Well, I mean, we need it for four days, but otherwise, yeah; no deadline.”
While designing a Sherlock Holmes poster for a children’s theater group.
Client: “You know how you have both Watson and Holmes? Just take out Watson and make Holmes bigger. Also, take out Sherlock’s hands.”
Me: “But then the notebook he’s holding will be floating…”
Client: “I can’t overstate how okay I am with a floating notebook.”
I need to get a hold of a client’s IT department to check on some compatibility issues:
Client: “IT… IT… I don’t know who’s in IT. We have a bunch’a Indians running around here sometimes, I’ll grab you one of those. Just let me look in the directory here and find an Indian-sounding name… Raji. That sounds good. I’ll send you over to Raji. I know he’s not in sales because he couldn’t sell his left nut to save his life… so he’s probably in IT. Besides, he’s Indian, they own the tech sector so I’m sure he can help you regardless of his position here. I’ll transfer you now.”
Client: “Here’s that $3,000 we owed you.”
Me: “Thanks! But where’s the rest?”
Client: “Well, we were talking about it, and we think the quoted price in the contract is a bit more than we’re willing to pay.”
Me: “But…”
Client: “We’re paying you in cash off the books. That means no taxes! Don’t you hate it when you work hard for money and the government keeps it from you? We’re doing you a favour!”
After a forty-minute in-depth presentation entitled “Pay Per Click Activity.”
Me: “…and that’s all the pay per click activity we have run this month.”
Client: “Looks great. But how do we get paid?”
Me: “It’s pay per click.”
Client: “As in…”
Me: “We get paid per click.”
Client: “I’m not getting it.”
Clients From Hell
