It’s Black Friday in a very busy lotion store.

Customer: *To an associate* “Merry Christmas!”

Associate: “Happy Holidays to you, too!”

Customer: *To me* “Well, that was rude!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: *To me* “I told your employee Merry Christmas and she didn’t say it back!”

Me: “Oh… Well, we aren’t a religious organization so we don’t promote or forbid our employees from using any particular holiday greeting.”

Customer: “Christmas is the reason for the season! She should be fired!”

Me: “What if she’s Jewish?”

Customer: *To me* “Then you should fire her!”

Me: “That’s called discrimination.”

She pauses, takes a step back, thinks for a moment, and says:

Customer: “Our forefathers did not form this country to ignore Christmas!”

Me: “Um… Yeah, they kind of added that whole freedom of religion thing.”

She pauses again… for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Customer: “Oh. That. Well, that’s not what they meant!”

She storms off angrily.

Associate: *To me* “I’m not Jewish.”

Me: “I know, but she’s not sane.”

This story is part of our Black Friday 2023 roundup!

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(I’m a technical support agent for an Internet service provider. If you enter your account number in the automated system, it automatically pulls the account when your call is answered.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?”

Customer: “This is [Customer].”

Me: “Could you please verify the account holder’s name?”

Customer: “It’s… Well, it could be under two names; can I give you the account number?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “It’s [number].”

Me: “Oh, okay. That’s actually not what came up when you called; let me get the right account. Okay, can you verify the account holder’s name?”

Customer: “It’s either [Name #1] or [Name #2].”

Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, maybe I have an old account? What was the other one?”

Me: “Uh… the wrong account.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: *pause* “That’s someone else’s account?”

Customer: “Uh…”

(It is the early days of the Internet. The Internet provider for which I work is fairly small and only provides dial-up service. Customers have the option of telnetting into a shell account to connect. We also provide Internet service for a couple of local Internet cafes.)

Me: “Welcome to [ISP]. May I help you?”

Cafe Owner: “Hi, this is [Cafe Owner] at [Internet Cafe]. I have a customer who has an account with you and needs help getting into their shell account.”

Me: “Sure, just put them on the line.”

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “No problem.”

(I walk her through the not-too-complicated steps of opening a telnet session and signing in. This takes quite a while, as the customer isn’t familiar with the process at all.)

Me: “And now you’ll enter your username.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Uh. Okay, well, it’s often the first initial and last name.” 

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “And then the password.”

Customer: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Are you sure you entered the password correctly?”

Customer: “Yeah. Oh, I know what it is. My account is at [Rival ISP].”

Me: “Sure. Uh, I’m not familiar with their information, but try [Rival ISP] dot net for the host?” *total stab in the dark*

Customer: “Oh, that worked. Great! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, I’m glad to help. In the future, though, you might want to consider calling [Rival ISP] when you need help? They’re your provider and will have all the information you need.”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

(The customer abruptly flipped out on me, yelling and cursing, even though I had been nothing but polite throughout the whole transaction, and so had she, up until then. I had to put my manager on the phone, and he told her that she should have called her ISP in the first place!)

(I’m with a group of my friends and we’re ordering pizza over the phone. We have decided on one sausage pizza, and one pizza with anchovies because some of us like them. We are all about 16. I’m the one calling.)

Worker #1: “Hello. [Pizza Place]. What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi. I’ll have one large pizza with sausage and pepperoni, and one large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *pause* “Is this a prank call?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Worker #1: “Don’t try and prank me you stupid kids. I know nobody orders anchovies on pizza!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank. We want a large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *hangs up*

(I call back again. The same employee picks up the phone but I repeat my order anyway.)

Worker #1: “I thought I told you not to try and prank call us!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank call. Please, just get us our pizzas.”

Worker #1: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, YOU STUPID KIDS! NOBODY EATS F****** ANCHOVIES! THEY TASTE LIKE S***!”

(I hang up. At this point my friends have overheard the whole exchange and are laughing hysterically. I decide to call one more time. A different worker picks up the phone.)

Worker #2:“Hello. What can I get for you?”

Me: *repeats order*

Worker #2: “That will be [price]. It will be there in 15 minutes.”

(In the background I suddenly hear someone screaming.)

Worker #1: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN ‘GET OUT’? NOBODY EATS F****** ANCHOVIES!”

This story is part of the Pranks roundup!

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(I’m a waitress at a popular franchise, and we are unexpectedly busy for a Monday night. I’m serving an elderly couple their drinks.)

Me: “Here you go: I have an iced tea and a water!”

Old Man: “Oh, I know you! We had you last time.”

(The couple is an older couple, maybe in their sixties or seventies. I don’t recognize them, but I’ve been working at this location for a couple of years, so I’ve met an awful lot of people.)

Me: “Oh, you did? Well, it’s great to see you back, then!”

Old Man: “Yes, I recognize you, because there aren’t a lot of people that cheerful.”

Me: *grins* “Yeah, I’m usually pretty happy.”

Old Man: “That, or you’re on some seriously good s***!”

Me: *busts out laughing*