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Internet Snark Provider

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(It is the early days of the Internet. The Internet provider for which I work is fairly small and only provides dial-up service. Customers have the option of telnetting into a shell account to connect. We also provide Internet service for a couple of local Internet cafes.)

Me: “Welcome to [ISP]. May I help you?”

Cafe Owner: “Hi, this is [Cafe Owner] at [Internet Cafe]. I have a customer who has an account with you and needs help getting into their shell account.”

Me: “Sure, just put them on the line.”

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “No problem.”

(I walk her through the not-too-complicated steps of opening a telnet session and signing in. This takes quite a while, as the customer isn’t familiar with the process at all.)

Me: “And now you’ll enter your username.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Uh. Okay, well, it’s often the first initial and last name.” 

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “And then the password.”

Customer: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Are you sure you entered the password correctly?”

Customer: “Yeah. Oh, I know what it is. My account is at [Rival ISP].”

Me: “Sure. Uh, I’m not familiar with their information, but try [Rival ISP] dot net for the host?” *total stab in the dark*

Customer: “Oh, that worked. Great! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, I’m glad to help. In the future, though, you might want to consider calling [Rival ISP] when you need help? They’re your provider and will have all the information you need.”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

(The customer abruptly flipped out on me, yelling and cursing, even though I had been nothing but polite throughout the whole transaction, and so had she, up until then. I had to put my manager on the phone, and he told her that she should have called her ISP in the first place!)

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Ordering Fish In Troubled Waters

, , , | Working | January 27, 2014

(I’m with a group of my friends and we’re ordering pizza over the phone. We have decided on one sausage pizza, and one pizza with anchovies because some of us like them. We are all about 16. I’m the one calling.)

Worker #1: “Hello. [Pizza Place]. What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi. I’ll have one large pizza with sausage and pepperoni, and one large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *pause* “Is this a prank call?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Worker #1: “Don’t try and prank me you stupid kids. I know nobody orders anchovies on pizza!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank. We want a large pizza with anchovies.”

Worker #1: *hangs up*

(I call back again. The same employee picks up the phone but I repeat my order anyway.)

Worker #1: “I thought I told you not to try and prank call us!”

Me: “This isn’t a prank call. Please, just get us our pizzas.”


(I hang up. At this point my friends have overheard the whole exchange and are laughing hysterically. I decide to call one more time. A different worker picks up the phone.)

Worker #2:“Hello. What can I get for you?”

Me: *repeats order*

Worker #2: “That will be [price]. It will be there in 15 minutes.”

(In the background I suddenly hear someone screaming.)


This story is part of the Pranks roundup!

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Too Hot To Give A Hoot

, , , , , | Right | June 11, 2012

(I work at an amusement park where one of my jobs is to hand out 3D glasses and entertain guests before a show. A guest and his wife come up the queue on a particularly hot day.)

Me: *handing them glasses* “Here you are! Enjoy the show.”

Guest: “This is a 3D movie?”

Me: “Yep.”

Guest: “And it’s inside?”

Me: “Yeah, and it’s air-conditioned, so it’s definitely worth it.”

Guest: “What’s it about?”

Me: “It’s a ten-minute movie about dinosaurs.”

Guest’s Wife: “I don’t care if y’all got a hooters show in there. If it’s air-conditioned, we’re going!”

This story is part of our 3D Movies roundup!

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Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 2, 2011

(I am a customer entering the store. I hear a loud scraping sound. I turn and notice a lady in a minivan trying to drive right over the median barrier in the road. She is trying to get into the drive-thru from the wrong direction. She gets stuck and keeps trying to drive through. I walk into the store to tell the cashier what is happening, but he stops us.)

Cashier: “Sorry, miss. It’ll be a few minutes until we can take your order. It seems as if someone has tried to drive over the median.”

Me: “It’s alright. I saw it happen. I was just about to tell you guys.”

Cashier: “This happens a lot. I think it must be people who really need coffee.”

(Just as she says that, the minivan drives up and parks. The lady rushes through the doors, and starts announcing loudly.)

Lady: “I need coffee. NOW!”

This story is part of our Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup!

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(Opposite Se)X-Men

, , , , , | Right | February 25, 2011

(A little boy comes through my line holding a Wolverine figure. I scan it first and give it back to him before his parents’ groceries.)

Me: “So, is Wolverine your favorite?”

Boy: *looks at me, confused*

Me: “More than Beast or Nightcrawler?”

Boy: *tilts his head, more puzzled*

Me: “Rogue’s always been my favorite.”

Boy: “Bu-But, you’re old. And a girl!”

This story is part of the Adorable Kids roundup!

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