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Christmas Is All Pope & Circumstance

, , , , | Right | December 24, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [Church]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

Customer: “I’ll hold.”


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Confusing Crosses With Crossbones

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2009

(An older customer comes out of the fitting room wearing a black and red striped shirt with designs that look like piles of skulls.)

Customer: “I just think that this is so cute. What do you think?”

Me: “That’s a really interesting choice for a blouse.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. I just think these little flower designs are so pretty!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are actually skulls.”

(The customer looks a bit closer at the shirt before finally realizing what she is wearing.)

Customer: “Oh, my Lord, I was planning on wearing this to church!”

Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted

, , , , | Right | June 17, 2008

(It is nearly Christmas, about 11 pm. The vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello. St. [Saint]’s vicarage. Can I help you?”

Man: “I need to speak to the vicar.”

Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem? I am a reader.” *lay minister* “Perhaps I can help?”

Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the vicar can answer it.”

Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

Me: “…?”

Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the vicar would know.”

Me: “It’s the fifth of January. The day before Epiphany.”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

Me: “…”


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Jesus, Now Peanut Free!

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2008

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids from next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy comes up right away and just stands there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Boy: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Boy: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Boy: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing, then?”

(I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing.)

Boy: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

(I wonder if we should make up a “Jesus – Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case.)


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