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You Could Just Use The Vacuum In Your Head

, , , , | Working | July 19, 2021

Because large sums of money are routinely stored there, our finance office is kept locked when not in use, and only a limited number of specific people are allowed to have the key.

Head Of Finance: “Our janitors are so lazy. They never vacuum the finance office.”

Me: “Do they have the key?”

Head Of Finance: “No.”

Me: “Do you want them to vacuum while you’re in there working, then?”

Head Of Finance: “No. I want them to stop being so lazy.”

Just Try, “I’m So Sorry” Next Time

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 2, 2021

In my freshman year of college, I take an Introduction To The Old Testament course to fulfill a general education requirement. I don’t recall how we got into this discussion, but somehow we get on the topic of how many Christians tend to use variations of “God has everything happen for a reason” when trying to comfort people and how most people don’t like hearing that.

Professor: “You know, I was on the receiving end of one of the worst variations of that I’ve ever heard. It was several years ago now. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I was obviously devastated about it. It also happened far enough along that everyone already knew I was pregnant. The first time I went back to church after it happened, this woman I had never spoken to before in my life walked up to me, and you know what she said? She said, ‘I’m sorry about your miscarriage, but it’s okay! God did it because he knew your baby would become a criminal!'”

There’s a pause as the whole class “ooh”s in sympathy.

Professor: “You know, I have never hit someone ever in my life, but that’s the closest I’ve ever come to changing that.”

Classmate: “That would have been too kind. I probably would have murdered her in front of the altar.”

We’re Guessing She Doesn’t Go To Public School

, , , , , | Learning | June 19, 2021

I am an assistant for a Sunday school working with three- to five-year-old children. Class hasn’t yet started today, so I’m trying to entertain some of the early arrivals in the meantime.

Me: “What are you going to dress up as for Halloween?”

A few kids shout out their costume choices. However, one little girl who doesn’t usually frequent our church speaks up afterward. She speaks in a completely serious voice.

Girl: “We don’t do Halloween because it makes baby Jesus cry.”

I swear that was the first, and only, time I’d ever heard someone use the whole “makes baby Jesus cry” phrase with complete seriousness. I had trouble just keeping a straight face and pretending that was a normal comment.

I didn’t see the girl back again. I suppose our heathen church that would allow children to enjoy a secular holiday that wasn’t harming anyone in any way wasn’t up to her parent’s standards.

God Loves All Creation… Except That

, , , , , | Friendly | June 11, 2021

Our church holds a Thanksgiving Day mass mid-morning on the holiday. There are always two big tables set up in the church: one for food donations for the Thanksgiving dinner the church hosts for the needy, and one for people to bring something they’ll eat themselves that night. Both tables of food get a blessing.

However, one year the priest came forward to bless the food and noticed a plate of Brussels sprouts.

Priest: *Pauses* “Hmm, Brussels sprouts. I don’t know if I can actually bless those.”

Religion Is Trending

, , , , , | Right | June 4, 2021

It’s 2016. Our priest is showing some kids a picture of the Hindu god Krishna. He has a weapon called a sudarshana chakra, which spins on his finger.

Kid: “Look, he has a fidget spinner!”