All Aboot Jesus, Please

, , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2019

(I have rather odd taste in music. I’m packing dinner kits at church with a group of friends and we’re discussing music as we put together the kits. Most of us favor pop or country music.)

Me: “I’ve been really into [Band] lately.”

Friend #1: “Cool, what genre are they?”

Me: “Christian Canadian punk rock.”

Friend #1: “What?”

Me: “Christian Canadian punk rock.”

Friend #2: “Those words do not go together!”

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Blimey! What A Lot Of Rubbish!

, , , , | Learning | October 16, 2019

(I teach kindergarteners and first-graders on Wednesday nights at my church. Tonight’s lesson is about the Tower of Babel. The point is to teach how language can be confusing.)

Me: “It’s hard to understand someone when they speak a different language, but sometimes it can be hard to understand someone even if they speak the same language as you. For instance, in Britain, even though they speak English, they use different words to describe the same things we have.”

Students: “No, they don’t. They speak English.”

Me: “So, you think if you went to London tomorrow, you could understand what they were saying?”

Students: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay. So, I leave my flat and take the lift down, only to discover my car is out of petrol. I call a tow truck on my mobile, but they want fifty pounds. So, I start my holiday off by taking the Tube to the football game, where I eat chips, not crisps. What did I say?”

Students: “Uh… We don’t know.”

(I pulled out a list I had prepared earlier, and we went through them one by one.)

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I Confess To Being As Mature As A Seven-Year-Old Boy

, , , , , , | Learning | October 13, 2019

(In second grade, my class prepares for first Reconciliation by practicing with our teacher and a nun who works at the church. The teacher or nun sits in the priest’s chair and we go in and have a pretend confession. The rest of the class watches so that we can learn from each other. Naturally, some students decide to have some fun with it.)

Nun: “What sins have you committed?”

Student: *grinning* “I farted in my dad’s face on purpose!”

Nun: “Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?”

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These Are Our Kind Of Humans!

, , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2019

(My church has two high-school youth groups: the large main group and a small “misfits” group with less than eight regular attendees, meant for those who are more socially awkward and don’t connect with the main group. I’m a part of the smaller group. After a meeting, I’m talking with the rest of the group: three other girls. A girl from the main group passes us with her family and we see them coming.)

Me: “Oh, crud, humans! Everyone act normal!”

Girl #1: “Hello, fellow human!”

Girl #2: “Yes, hello! We are also humans!”

Me: “Perfectly normal humans!”

Girl #3: “Nothing to see here! We’re just normal humans like you doing normal human things!”

(The girl and her family smile politely and hurry away, probably questioning our sanity.)

Girl #2: *laughing* “This is why we’re the misfits.”

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If That Bothers Him, Wait Until He Hears What It Means For The Gays!

, , , , , , | Learning | September 29, 2019

(I am five or six years old and attending Sunday school. We are outside after a brief rain, being supervised by a husband and wife.)

Male Supervisor: *pointing at a rainbow in the distance* “So, kids, does anyone know what a rainbow is?”

(I excitedly raise my hand to answer, as I have just learned this from a science-themed kids show.)

Me: “A rainbow is caused by extra water in the air from the rain that makes a prism which refracts the sunlight!”

(The husband and wife make disgusted faces and share a look, before turning back to me.)

Male Supervisor: “No, a rainbow is God’s promise to never flood the earth again.”

Me: “Oh…”

(It wouldn’t have been so bad, except they decided to punish me, as well. I was made to stand in the corner for fifteen minutes for “spreading wrong thoughts.” I consider this my first push towards atheism.)

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