Messianic Rejects

, , , | Right | February 18, 2010

(I check in families to our kids’ program. An older woman approaches me with her two grandkids. I give her the form to fill out).

Me:  “Oh, ma’am, could I get your birthday? You left that line blank.”

Grandmother: “No.”

Me: “But, ma’am, we need that to identify you as an adult. We can’t enter you into the computer without that information.”

Grandmother: “Would Jesus have to give his birthday?”

1 Thumbs
2,418

In Search Of Holy Handouts

, , , , | Right | December 29, 2009

(I work in a church, and answer our public phone.)

Caller: “Hey… I need y’all to come out to [Motel] and take me to the airport.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

Caller: “Oh, and bring forty-five dollars.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I cannot come pick you up.”

Caller: “What? I just came to your crummy town for a weekend and now I gotta get back home. Why the hell aren’t you helping me? I just need a ride and forty-five dollars!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “Ain’t y’all a church? Why don’t you get off your lazy a** and come get me?”

Me: “Sir, I am not accustomed to meeting strange men at motels.”

Caller: “Well, it’s obvious YOU ain’t a Christian!”

1 Thumbs
4,029

Christmas Is All Pope & Circumstance

, , , | Right | December 24, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [Church]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

Customer: “I’ll hold.”

1 Thumbs
3,680

Confusing Crosses With Crossbones

, , , | Right | August 20, 2009

(An older customer comes out of the fitting room wearing a black and red striped shirt with designs that look like piles of skulls.)

Customer: “I just think that this is so cute. What do you think?”

Me: “That’s a really interesting choice for a blouse.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. I just think these little flower designs are so pretty!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are actually skulls.”

(The customer looks a bit closer at the shirt before finally realizing what she is wearing.)

Customer: “Oh, my Lord, I was planning on wearing this to church!”

1 Thumbs
5,050

Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted

, , , | Right | June 17, 2008

(It is nearly Christmas, about 11 pm. The vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello. St. [Saint]’s vicarage. Can I help you?”

Man: “I need to speak to the vicar.”

Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem? I am a reader.” *lay minister* “Perhaps I can help?”

Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the vicar can answer it.”

Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

Me: “…?”

Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the vicar would know.”

Me: “It’s the fifth of January. The day before Epiphany.”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

Me: “…”

1 Thumbs
2,676