A Willing Wife

| Romantic | February 3, 2012

(I’m in a Bible study class. Among the class is a couple who are retired, happily married 30+ years, and with grown children. We are discussing fear of death.)

Husband: “I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve had a long life. Things will be fine
here without me. And, I have a will.”

Wife: “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

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Silence Is Holy

| Right | January 6, 2012

(I’m a volunteer usher at smaller church. This takes place before mass and there is a man praying in one of the pews. A woman is at the back of the church talking loudly in an outdoor voice.)

Me: “Ma’am, could you please keep your voice down or talk outside?”

Woman: “Why, I never! I am a member of this church! You have no right to speak to me this way!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are being too loud. There are people trying to pray.”

Woman: “Who prays before church starts!?”

(The pastor, hearing our conversation, walks over.)

Pastor: “Good Catholics do. Now, please go outside.”

Woman: “And who do you think you are?”

Pastor: “The pastor.”

Woman: *leaves in a huff*

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An Omnipotent And Bolivian God

| Right | November 30, 2011

(The church I work at often gets people from the local community asking for financial aid. In order to help us best assess their need we require them to fill out an informational form.)

Me: “Good morning, [church name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “‘Till when is the office open? I need to come in and fill out one of those Bolivian forms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, a Bolivian form? Do you maybe mean a form for our upcoming India trip?”

Caller: “No, [pastor] told me to come in to fill out a Bolivian form.”

Me: “Oh! A benevolent form!”

Caller: “That’s what I said, a Bolivian form!”

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Believing In a Fare God

, , , , | Right | April 14, 2011

(I often help out with going up and down the aisles with the collection basket. A patron puts a twenty in the basket and then stops me.)

Me: “I have to get this up to the front, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, yes. Just one moment.”

(She is rooting around in the collection basket while I stand there.)

Me: “Sorry, what are you doing?”

Customer: “I need change for the bus.”

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If Someone Asks You If You’re With God, You Say Yes

| Right | May 19, 2010

Patron: “I would like to make a complaint about God.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Patron: “I come in here all the time! I am told this is the house of God and I never see him!”

Me: “You do realize that you won’t physically ‘see’ God in the Church? House of God means you can come here to communicate with him, or seek counsel from those who do.”

Patron: “Is that you?”

Me: “I am qualified, yes.”

Patron: “So you’re in direct communication with God?”

Me: “I interpret the scriptures for guidance, and I pray. I don’t have direct communication.”

Patron: “So you’re not with God?”

Me: “I study him and his will.”

Patron: “You’re not friends?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Not even colleagues?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Anyone around here higher up that might be?”

Me: “No more than anyone else I’m afraid.”

Patron: “What about that Pope guy? He’s always talking about what God said.”

Me: “You could try.”

Patron: “Is he around? Can you call him down?”

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